ZYCERAK UPDATE:
I am always surprised with how much I learn about myself & grow as a person. There was a period of time in highschool where I thought that I thought every thought I could think and that I would stagnate forever. There are some things I know and always knew that I do not want to accept, but slowly I am starting to accept some things. For instance:
I am a lone wolf. I am the Alpha and Omega. I have narcissistic tendencies. Narcissism gets misunderstood. I have very low self-esteem. But I think too much about it. I'm self-obsessed: that is narcissism. Which means I am not that interested in other people. I'm only interested in certain elements, certain observations that I can study under a microscope. But I find it difficult to fully invest myself in the lives of others to a fault, including my closest friends and family.
There is something I lack that prevents me from truly connecting with people, and I think it mostly does come down to a lack of interest in other people. I realize I am always in my head, talking to myself, in my head. Most of the time I am too invested in the conversation in my head to converse with other people.
I suffer from FOMO a lot, but I am learning to overcome that. What helps me is starting to hate other people more. If I turn myself against a group of people, then there's no reason why I would want to associate with them, thereby eliminating that fear of missing out. Hating is clutch. I would be sitting in the studio hearing everyone else laughing and conversing loudly, and thinking, wow they are so loud and annoying (honestly, one person laughs so loud I think they do it on purpose, it sounds obnoxious). I would crank up the volume on Ice Cream Juke and tune them out. (honestly, art students are usually annoying. I find art students whine a lot about things. I feel justified in being a hater).
I am a lone wolf. I am different. It's true; I am different from everyone else. I am an outcast, I don't fit in. I think different, everyone will be talking about things that I don't think matter, while I sit there chad in silence. I feel like Patrick Bateman walking through the office with his walkman. I feel chad. I feel quiet and mysterious. Social pressures tell me I should feel ashamed for being a loner, but I'm over that now. Society can shame me and I will stick my middle finger out because I do not gif a fudge.
I think all of society should be ashamed. I look down on all of society, I spit on them like hawk tuah. That's narcissism. But I still have a low self-esteem. Because secretly, I am seething and coping. I hate being vulnerable, open, etc. There are a lot of things I find I can never say; there are a lot of questions that if I am asked I will lie without thinking twice, or I freeze up. I do not like being asked these questions, which is one of the reasons I avoid social interactions with people I do not trust.
But I'm not coping and seething, because I learned its not the amount of friends you have, but the quality of. I have high quality friends, they're like Gucci and Louis Vuitton, where everyone else is like The Gap. Nothing wrong with The Gap, but I'd rather save my money on the Gucci, Louis, three box logo. FOMO, and society, will have sheeple buy from The Gap, and they end up only buying from The Gap, and when they die, they will think with deep regret, after all these years I died with zero drip. Me? I will die dripped down from head to toe in Gucci, Louis, three box logo.
Should I try to be more interested in other [eople? Perhaps. Definitely the people closest to me. I do not know why I find it so difficult when its something so easy. Many such cases. For most of my life, and ever increasingly so, I become more aware of a disconnect between me and my actions. I do not feel in control of my body. Sometimes that is fine because it does exactly what I want it to, but other times it will not. Many such cases I say or do things I never wanted to say or do, and I am still puzzled as to why I would ever do them, as if something else had possessed my body. Many such cases I wanted to say things but never did. Do things I never did. I will live with lots of regrets.
But I hold my regrets with pride, like scars, I feel like Luffy, instead of King of the Pirates, I'm just trying to be King of myself, King of this beautiful life I have been giving. Right now? I am a peasant. I don't know how to regain control of myself. I still feel very far away from myself. "Come back! Please! I need you!" I would yell to the person I see at the horizon, and he will turn around, and stick his middle finger out because he does not give a fudge about me.
I do not always feel connected with my closest friends, and sometimes I will feel so lonely despite everyone and everything around me. And in those times, it feels like all I am left with is my work. I feel like my work is the only thing that keeps me company; I feel it takes a life of its own. But we share a toxic relationship. I can't break up with him though, I'm too dependant, I have no one else. He gives me s***t, he doesn't agree with anything I do, he never listens. But I treat him worse. I expect too much from him, I am never happy, I always tell him how ugly he is and how he needs to change for me. I always threaten to leave and find someone else. Maybe it is time I make amends with my work, and accept him for who he is, because he's an extension of me, and I have no one else. I have to work with what I give myself, but it is so so so hard to be content a lot of the times. That's good, I do not want to be content or satisfied, but there needs to be a mutual understanding between me and my work, we have to work and grow together, we have to lift each other up . I need to find the value in my work, because I have nothing else. I need to convince myself it's all worth it, which is not something I believe often. But when I look back, I see improvement, I see change at the very least, and there is no telling where it will go. I need to convince myself it doesn't matter if it;s worth it or not, because guess what? It's about the journey, not the destination. That quote makes so much sense to me, always, I think about it a lot.
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