ZYCERAK UPDATE:
A couple months ago, my father found me in the washroom blacked out on the floor with my butt out and vomit in the sink. Little did I know, this would be the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.
Three weeks later, I learnt from my mistakes and instead I locked the door, threw up only in the toilet, and kept my pants up. But I forgot to drink enough water, suffering the second-worst hangover I've had the next day.
I find poetry in puking in the toilet. I picture someone laying on their side, legs out with one slightly bent. They're supported by crossed arms over the toilet seat, creating a sensual C-curve with their body. Their head is tucked down in the middle, only part of the back of their head visible as they look down at the water. It's something I want to paint
What I learnt about my experience is that Wellbutrin and alcohol do not mix, because I knew I was not drinking more than normal. Last night at the function, I only drank PBR's, and I was one of the least joshed. For once I wasn't the one sleeping on the washroom floor. I was coherent enough to beat my friends at Smash Bros. I even beat Ike using Duck Hunt. Wellbutrin has put me off alcohol, and aided my cessation of THC concentrate. For now I call it a friend
I find poetry in the bathroom floor, for reasons I don't feel like explaining. Have I explained it before? I could write a book about it
I find poetry in washrooms, especially public washroom stalls. Have I mentioned this before? It's something I can write a book about. It's an oasis amidst a chaotic society. When that door is closed, all expectations, all pressures vanish. I am there for poop and nothing else, not work, not social interaction, neither play nor practice, just poop. I feel I can stay in there forever sometimes. I long overstay my welcome, but no one would know, no one stays long enough to track it, and regardless I am completely anonymous behind that door. I feel safe, I find it hard to leave, I find it more of a home than home.
I am forgiven too quickly. Sometimes its best to be beaten with sticks or other hard objects
INTERMISSION
Now to continue with the post,
Recently I'm realizing I do not want to befriend most of the people I meet. Social pressures make me feel like it is valuable to have as many friends as possible, so I always feel ashamed when I do not take opportunities to deepen the friendship I have with my peers. But then I remembered that most people are fake asf, and I would have to be fake asf around them too.
You know what else is fake asf? The business world. Now halfway through my second year of business courses, I learnt that business is the art of lying. Lying or embellishing, both the same to me. Just the other day, my professor brought one of his buddies who is supposed to be this expert professional entrepreneur, and he said he fell for a scam ring product because their influencer marketing was so good. He said it like it was a good thing for the company who sold it to him. I was just like... erm... what the deuce?
My professor was actually in the fancy wine business, and his whole job was upselling cheap wine for rich and careless consumers. Because expensive wine tastes better solely because it costs more. It's the placebo effect, which I always thought was a silly thing, until I grew up, and learnt in my psychology class that a strong placebo can actually change the chemicals in your brain to the extent where its effects become real and measurable, so its not even a placebo anymore. Maybe that's not a bad thing in many cases, but business people use it to their advantage to shill cheap bummy products to sheeple.
It is these whole "sell me this pen" philosophy, where the product never matters, its only how its described. Sheeple need to wake up. Never buy the pen for a premium. All we need is basic necessities (food, air, water, shelter). Anything else that does not support these basic necessities is useless. Wanting is mass hysteria that infects us all. Wanting is a curse. We need fulfillment and we need to be occupied, to be entertained, but material goods are not the only way, spending money is not the only way, big houses and fancy cars are not the way. Wanting leads to more wanting. Once you get that big house, you'll want a bigger house. Fancier cars. Rarer funko pops. You will keep chasing the dragon, trying to find fulfilment in these material goods, and it will never come, and you will wonder why, and think the solution is buying the next best thing, the next best lie a business man shills.
Sheeple are the problem. But there are so many wolves in sheep's clothing guiding them to their dinner tables so they can feast. They can go slow, eat the sheeple bite by bite, and the sheeple will not scream or run away or even know they are about to die soon.
But these wolves are sheep too. Sheep in wolves in sheep's clothing. They have just enough know-how and lack just enough empathy to betray their fellow sheep. They eat fellow sheep's flesh and convince themselves its good. They market fellow sheep's flesh to each other, it's the placebo that makes them keep wanting it. They want the same things. They fall into the same traps. They're victims too, but what's worse is that they're victims of their own betrayal. I've thought about using my redpill, alpha wolf sensibilities to prey upon others as well, but I remembered the trap, the illusion of wolfhood, the illusion of fulfilment. I saw the goals in the distance but realized they were just a mirage. Some fake wolves see it, but most seem to continue chasing after it, feeling its nearer but not realizing it never gets any closer.
It's why we see lots of bitter old people. It's why we see people with nothing smile more than people with everything. On deathbeds, no one ever regrets not being a billionaire, not having the fanciest car, not the biggest house, not the most funko pops. They've conducted interviews, and the most common regret by a sweeping margin was a lack of meaningful social connections. People regret not spending more time with family and friends, regret not strengthening their relationships, regret working too much, etc. This should come as no surprise, I feel like everyone knows this, yet no one acts upon it, they just get swept back up into the delusions, or mass hysteria, mind plague, whatever.
It's why lab rats start eating each other when everything is provided for them (Calhoun's Behavioural Sink). We're rats in sheep's clothing; we're rats in sheep in wolves in sheep's clothing. We've been eating each other alive spiritually, killing each other spiritually. We're committing spiritual genocide against ourselves. It's why we see husks roam the Earth. It's the people trying to get on top of others, trying to be the first to feast. Nothing will ever change because we won't let it, there's no reason to be the first to concede, it's kill or be killed. It's crabs in a bucket. We're crabs, rats, sheep, whatever, we're animals, we're no better than animals, we're no smarter than animals, we die the same as animals, we die the same as animals, we are surviving better, but we die the same as animals, the only difference is our suffering is mostly self-inflicted. We have what it takes to be better than animals, we have better brains, we have the foundations of an organized society, we have the resources and know-how to ensure everyone can survive comfortably. There is a lot of good and good people out there, but not nearly enough to make large sweeping changes
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