hiya bubs. lotta text here, feel free to read, not read. you should read the final paragraph for sure though
never feel a big need to post my feelings, real, fake, or otherwise. had the thought to type this up here instead of do other things, heehee, so here goes
gone through big waves of depression, anxiety, dysphoria, etc. for big amounts of years. larger and larger fraction of my life now. lots of causes, lots of excuses, not a lot of growth or change on my part. those big words feel like jargon so far removed from the reality of any of my (and maybe your?) situations. and it was MUCH easier to spout them out, complain, and commiserate with everyone else writhing in the mud of life. used good ol' sativa to distract me and allow my life to feel great even when i didn't make it feel great starting in college. college itself sucked, both because i didn't apply myself and also because i didn't feel like i fit in. didn't feel like i fit in in high school, in middle school, honestly didn't feel like i fit in around here either. none of that was likely true in reality, but damn was it real in my head.
i've recently been feeling like much of that was inner turmoil within myself, what i wanted to do, and how i felt people reacted to what i found interesting. this game, games in general, film, music, art, history, theater, golf! "what a friggin white kid in a small town colorado is gonna go far with golf?" "how do you think you'll go anywhere if you don't want to make a script for your movie idea?" "can't barely exercise, why would you think anyone would hire you as an actor?" "why would you try and learn things yourself when you can get someone qualified to tell you how to REALLY do it??" what i was really doing throughout all this was allowing other people to have more of an opinion over my work than i did for myself. i WANTED to fit in. i WANTED to be liked, to be like everyone else.
i've recently come to the decision that i'm not at all like other people, while also being every other person. and i think i'm finally starting to see change in my life because of that...
i'm in a play at the moment. pretty much the only serious, long standing theater on the small side of colorado. 250 seats. hasn't sold out since covid. i've been doing stuff there since i was seven. SEVEN. fifteen years later i finally feel like i've found a spot.
it's a version of Amadeus. if you don't know what that is, it's about mozart. i'm playing mozart. it won a tony in the 80s, the movie won a ton of awards when it came out later. the script is fantastic. i'm finally getting to work on the same level with multiple different actors that i've grown up with, gotten to watch on stage again and again, wanting to have the power over an audience that they seem to wield. one of them is an ex teacher of mine, who any way i look at it let me pass his class after i could barely scare up the energy to do any work for it. somehow i'm an equal in his eyes now. we talked about our shortcomings the other night after one performance, and it made me realize that i always felt behind not because i was, but i wasn't good enough at looking at the flaws of another person. just myself! silly me. many many other such cases over the course of getting this play together over the last few months, but i digress.
last night was the best performance of the show thus far. have another one in about an hour, then four others. LOTS of things didn't go right, but even more things went fantastically. FANTASTICALLY. nearly cried after i got off stage (in a good way!). shared the best work with another that i think i may have ever done in my life so far. everyone else went out for the bows first, and we shared a look behind the front of stage about fifty feet away. all we did was hold eye contact and nod at each other.
i realized that i'd never felt that way about myself before those moments. i beat myself up even the tiniest little detail going awry, both in tracks here, and in my own life. it stifles you. strangles the creativity life provides. haven't finished a track properly in like six years? been working on songs and film ideas for about as long, haven't finished anything.
nah. no more of that.
i'm gonna make it damn good, but i'm gonna trust myself. when it feels right, GOD does it feel right. gotta wait for it to feel right. gotta be patient. and you GOTTA work. every day. every. single. day.
shout out to
Volund for posting my silly lil unfinished track in his favorites, make me think that i may have been on the right track a very long time ago. that i had found it, then doubted it, then strayed away yet again. i gotta gotta gotta gotta gotta gotta gotta go with the gut.
can't thank everyone here enough for supporting me when i didn't realize you were supporting me. can't thank everyone enough for trying to push others up. i can't care if i fit in, but i can care so very deeply about all of you.
all we can do is our best. all we'll ever do isn't even close to Our worst. love each other, despite the setbacks love loves to provide for you. you will get through every single thing you think is impossible, because you can be the strongest thing the universe has ever seen.
You can be Alive.
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