Pour Your Heart Out

fair

 

Same here but I just let it be I just try to make the best of it

 

Madara I am bi and I don't know how to tell my parents how should I tell them?

 

.. just tell them, it might be hard, maybe try texting them or something

 

idk It will be hard bc my grandma will give me a f.ucking lecture

 

your grandma believes in god?

 

yes

 

then she will give you a lecture, mainly because of stuff god said about being gay/ bi and some other stuff.

 

I know but it is all stupid bc I can do what I want

 

yeh family is rough sometimes

 

Madara do you have any advice on self consciousness, kinda like about appearances? Its something I struggle with

 

a little about:
My birth mother does a little drugs, she nice and stuff and she's addicted to smoking. I don't want to lose her. Also my mom and dad got split up. My dad married my step mom. More later

 

I hope ur well. My parents are separated too. My dad is addicted to smoking and I can't afford to lose him

 

Y'know, this year has taught me a great many things. Not the least of which, is being thankful. I know im not the only one who takes stuff for granted. This year was a stark reminder that stuff we do, the people we are close to can all be gone just like that.

This year (and as a result corona) showed me that I need to stop taking stuff for granted. That we should stop and admire the simple things in life, because they can be gone in the blink of an eye. stuff like spending time with friends, going on picnics with family are so part of the norm that we just dont think about it. corona stopped all those happenings and put the world on halt. we were forced to reconsider our lives and ponder what we are doing with them. both my parents lost their jobs and for over 6 months this year we were in a hard place.

but doing stuff like going for walks around parks and lakes, the simple things, became more important. i when i went for runs and bikerides around parks i was astounded at how many families were going for walks, talking; reconnecting. corona (at least in my opinion) has made the world give more time to the things we love.

so yeah, this year sucked a tonne, but its reminded me to not take stuff for granted, and be thankful for the simple things in life.

 

ditto

 

It means a lot to me that you wrote this specific part because I am definitely an introvert and don't need nearly as much of this as most people do, yet I have had mild depression (i think mild, never had it before so I wouldn't know) for periods of several months on and off after the first 5ish months of shutdowns because I've been missing these little things.

Doesn't help that cabin fever came along too, making me less motivated to even go out to do the things my mind really needs to get back on track.

***start of rant
I thought of the term 'cabin fever' when I finally emailed my best friend after months of no communication and had to explain what I was feeling. I googled it and a list of symptoms I found included:

• boredom
• irritability
• restlessness
• impatience
• anxiety
• lack of motivation
• loneliness
• hopelessness
• depression

Of these I only didn't feel hopelessness and anxiety. These were on and off for a few months or weeks at a time and different combos, so not always all of them. Probably the worst of these is lack of motivation. I am already not the most motivated person. This was compounded by the shutdowns and I actually failed (D, technically not failing, but it's not a pass either) a class for the first time ever. (A/B student here, no C's or D's ever) Gonna have to retake Marine Bio yay. I am already going to be taking 5 years to complete a 4 year major. I can't afford to take time for classes that I need to retake. The others were completed with minimal effort and for the first time in my life I didn't care about my grades either. I just wanted it to end. Only got an A in spanish 101 because I already know some spanish lmao.

These feelings were kept at bay for while during the summer because I had an actual job and got to talk with a few coworkers each day though, so I am thankful for that. It really hit like a truck though when I had to start online classes. Boredom isn't a huge one, but being able to sit at my laptop and not feel like playing any of the games I have just feels off. I always have at least 1 game I am working intently on (even if that is speed running something I already have finished) and a few other small ones to fall back on if I get tired of grinding throught the main 1, so I shouldn't ever feel bored of what I have.

Part of the loneliness was not wanting to be with anyone. Weirdly I wanted to be alone, but also not... if that makes sense. I wanted so bad to hang out with my best friend who I haven't talked to in months or seen since even longer ago, but at the same time didn't have the motivation to call, email, etc. My mood would fall when my family wanted to play videogames together. I would rather play alone. (just to be clear, this is only true during cabin fever. normally I love playing with others, like L4D2 or The Forest) Also I would say no to walks with my mom or sister at first. I started saying yes just because it was so easy to just mindlessly say yes, forcing myself to have to go with them. It ended up feeling good, so I started saying yes every time. This was the first thing that really made me feel good during cabin fever. Back from the walk and I was back to wanting to be alone.

Irritability came with wanting to be alone. I got annoyed when anyone talked to me for too long. I just wanted to be left alone. They kind of go hand in hand, so not much to add here.

I noticed I've been incredibly restless. I can't stand still waiting in lines. I am constantly shifting my weight back and forth, often swinging one foot in front then behind the other, tapping my toe behind me, etc. For some reason, this only applies while standing... I can sit still all day.

Impacience, I don't know how to describe this one. It wasn't too major. I think I just wanted days to end quickly. But then I wasn't motivated to go to sleep. Kind of like right now, writing this at 4am. Without a job or classes I feel no motivation to take care of myself. I haven't been brushing my teeth much lately. (gross I know, but it's hard to explain why) Luckily I can bother myself to use mouthwash sometimes because I don't like smelling my breath while lying in bed, but without that reason I probably wouldn't even do that. Showering is another issue. I think about how I haven't taken I shower today, so I think "did I take one yesterday morning or night?", can't be bothered to answer the question so I wait till nighttime. It comes up on 10 and I don't feel like it. By the time I go to bed, I don't want to take a shower because I can't sleep right after taking a shower. My hair is wet and the shower wakes me up. No exercise: sitting all day without feeling inclined to do anything. I tried stair climbing for a few days (2 story house), so I would walk up and down the stairs for 10-15 minutes straight (harder than it sounds if you are out of shape). Lost motivation to do that.

Hopelessness is just part of depression I think. Never had depression like this before, so I don't really know. Not hopeless about the pandemic, not at all. Just hopelessness. I don't know how to describe it. (edit: realized I said I didn't feel this at the start, but I guess I did to a degree)

One symptom not listed here is paranoia. Not general paranoia, that would be terrifying to have (although I have had it before). I've been paranoid about my health, as ironic as that sounds. Knowing how long I sit all day, not moving my legs, getting up to stretch, arms resting on a hard table, etc. I started getting paranoid of any concentrated pain or discomfort because I was paranoid it was a blood clot or something fatal. It's not a healthy mindset to be in. That also added to not going to sleep at night. I would kept up till 4am often because I was afraid I wouldn't wake up or I would sleep on the couch downstairs so my family would find me right away should anything happen in my sleep. Again - not a healthy mindset.

Lack of motivation also effects eating. Hunger doesn't faze me much already, so the depression and lack of motivation just keeps me away from food. I have an appetite, but I just don't ever feel motivated to get up, go to the kitchen, think of what to eat, take it out or make it, then take the time to eat it. So instead I just forget about it and continue wasting time at my laptop. I lost 10 pounds in the last 4ish months. I haven't lost or gained weight in 4 years. When I eat dinner, I eat all I can. My mom tries to make just enough to prevent leftovers, so it isn't enough to make up for not eating all day. When eating out or at family's house, I eat all I can. It's not that I lost my appetite or am disgusted by food, just no motivation. No anorexia trust me, but still not healthy.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I'm sure there's more, but this was just an rant, so I don't feel like taking much effort remembering every negative thing I've felt during the pandemic. Never thought I'd post here tbh. I always thought I would only post things here if I needed help, but honestly I have had moments where I just want to get this out, so here it is.

 

i should have copied and paste dantexpess's part and just quote this and say ditto lmao

 

whenever its a holiday i feel depressed when my mom has to go to work. We will have to go to my dad for the day. Once we get into his house he says dont open the door for anyone and that stuff and he leaves. He always parties with his friends when me and my siblings are stuck at home. We spend time together of course but i would always wish that we would celebrate holidays with my whole family

 

so when its a holiday i also try to spend time with this community but no one seems to even look at my alts track

 

You got hundreds of plays from your last tracks; I feel like that's enough for the effort you put in your tracks. Also, what's up with your signature?