Pour Your Heart Out

I do not feel hope or happiness or any warmth when thinking about any part of my future. Often times I do not feel sorrow I just feel a sense of bleakness or acceptance towards the fact that I will simply not like my own life or who I am

 

I feel as though I sell or corrupt any of me that was good

 

I am selfish

 

It appears that you are still dealing with some pretty intense nostalgia, and what you describe does sound like a pretty great childhood with great memories. I can see why you don't want to forget any of these things. Maybe you can try to document these experiences, in writing, art, or whatever else you deem fit. Maybe even a Free Rider Track. But by putting these memories down on some form of medium other than your mind, you don't have to constantly recall these things and have them perpetually on your mind, and you can remind yourself of these things when you want to. It's also important to not dwell on the past too much. Perhaps you can try and forge new memories with those people or places, maybe going back to enjoy the canyon or the beach with your family and friends.

I assume you wrote everything in your previous message as a random string of thoughts that came to your mind, and when you posted it, it didn't look as pretty as you thought. As weird as it might look online, it makes sense that it would look that way. When something's stuck in our heads, it's likely the only thing we're thinking of, and I don't cringe from it since it's genuine. That message would be a good poem, to be honest, and I was picturing some sort of sad flashback scene in a movie. I do like the Snoopy reference, though.

You may think that, but your friends still invite you to go out and hike and stuff. Would they be inviting you if you were a detriment to them? Also, this is you needing extra support right now. What's to say that you're not going to help people in the future? In fact, just you being willing to respond to people on this thread means you're already helping people. And there is always the butterfly effect, that you might do something somewhere that seems totally insignificant, but in reality you just changed someone's life. You never know the full effect of your actions. And if you weren't there to say "thank you," shake someone's hand, order a sandwich, or do literally everything else, those people might have turned out differently. Being one out of the 8 billion people in the world doesn't mean that you don't matter, it means that you're part of it.
(I say "order a sandwich" as an impactful decision because you never know, that by ordering that specific sandwich, the chef making it became happy because for once they got to make their favorite meal for a customer.)

You're still early into your life. Right now, it might seem that you'll spend the rest of your life in this constant state of pain, but none of us can see the future. We can predict, but it's important to remember that we're wrong a lot of the time. Your feeling of being destined to live this way the rest of your life is valid, as it can feel like forever when you're going through so much pain. Heck, a minute-long plank can feel like forever because it's such a hard position. I guess your situation could be like a timed run for an unknown amount of time. You've been running for so long and you don't know when it's ever going to end, if it'll end at all. Sometimes you might get your second wind, or third, fourth, fifth wind, and it doesn't feel as bad, but then the wind dies down and you feel even worse than before. But you don't stop, no matter how bad it gets because if you stop, you won't get anywhere.

There's a lot of good about you that you don't seem to realize. While I don't know a lot about you, I do know that you're a very nice and selfless person that is always willing to help. You're definitely a great artist and Free Rider, with a featured track and other really nice tracks/drawings. Now, I don't know about you, but I don't think these things have been sold or corrupted. You're still great person and a great artist. I don't understand why you would think you're selfish and don't have any good in your person.

 

https://open.spotify.com/track/1huwlOdeokQzum8XHFcIpf?si=BIeCx8oOR8uE5_IuGtpg2g

 

i feel like im in a dark pit that i cant get out of climing out only to fall back in i try but i cant

 

Reminds me of The Dark Knight Rises. What's making you feel that way?

 

I I don't really know I just feel that way u know like I try to ask for help but my pride gets in the way you know?

 

Hm. So you end up not asking for help? What kind of help are you talking about, like just asking people questions in general?

 

I guess its just in general I think its because I feel like I should not even tho I should and it would just not help? I cant really explain in well

 

asking for help can be scary, but it always get easier. all ya have to do is work up the courage

 

ok thanks ill try next time

 

I agree with EasternBiker, asking for help can be difficult, especially when we don't know the people we ask very well. I guess if you're saying you're sometimes too prideful and don't want to accept the fact that you need help, try to remember that you're better off knowing something and risking embarrassment rather than not knowing something and risking more embarrassment.

 

ok its just i feel like ill be judged

 

Oh, I see. I think most people don't voice their judgement when someone asks a "dumb question," so maybe try to just focus on getting your answer instead of what other people think. There's a video on YouTube somewhere by Simon Sinek, where he talks about dumb questions. Basically, as dumb as your question might seem or be, you never know if someone else in the room also had the same question, and by asking that question, you just helped that person and possibly even more. Someone's got to ask the question, otherwise nobody would be able to learn.

 

oh huh ill try that and i think if i am helping someone out i might be able to feel better about that

 

I miss my friends and I wish I knew what to do to find people that like me enough to hang around me consistently I feel like I don’t have anyone to celebrate things with I feel like there’s no one to tell about what makes me happy and it just makes every excited moment into this realization that leaves me so lonely

 

I used to wish that bad things would happen to me so that I’d have friends or people there to comfort me, but whenever something bad or tragic or wtv tf happens all I want is to shut up and not interact with other people and I think it’s silly that I view the world like that sometimes. Sometimes I wonder if I were to die tomorrow if it would be a good thing, like I can’t mess up my relationships I still have left, these people might memorialize me or at least remember me as a better person than I know I am, maybe my story will bring someone a little light as they remember who I was instead of making them feel bad for how I feel like I’m going to turn out to be. I feel alone and I feel the most happy when I can plan something with others, and I think years and years of friends ignoring me or me lacking real social connection that deep made me require the friends that show that to me now, and I’m scared of not only being a burden on them but using them as a source of external happiness instead of internal happiness and driving them away, and I don’t know what to do. I feel silly for reaching out and asking people what they’re doing some night or seeing if they can text because I shouldn’t need those things to feel connected and happy. I feel like I’m a high maintenance person to keep around and I don’t want to be like that and I don’t want to be remembered like that but my fucjin soul hurts man my chest hurts like all the time sometimes my chest hurts so bad that everything I touch feels like it stings I feel so alone sometimes I feel like I could just curl up and whither away, I’m so scared of being a burden towards others that I think I turn into a burden because of that and I’m sorry im such a shitty friend but I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t want to annoy people and I don’t want to piss them off and I just wish I could take some moment where we were all sitting together and in a moment I felt peace and a moment I felt seen or wanted I could just keep that and focus on that and live focused in that moment and never forget that feeling because it’s what I miss almost always.

 

I love you

 

After so long, ive realized that letting go of someone you love can heal yourself. even if you still love that special someone all the negative feelings attached are gone, and i feel happier