Pour Your Heart Out

"You only live once, and life is short, so go for it." That’s what my uncle always said, but he passed away yesterday. His words mean even more to me now. You never know what can happen tomorrow, so don’t wait. Take chances in life; you never know, maybe it will be the best decision you ever made. Life is too short for regrets.

 

well said

 

Good point tbh

 

The thing I mourn from my childhood the most is the loss of relationships. It’s a weird feeling, looking where I am now. I don’t have a close enough connection with anyone in my life, and I know that a large part of that is because of mistakes I’ve made.

I used to be friends with my dad. I used to want to tell him everything I did, everything that made me happy. I feel like I’m not allowed to talk about the things that make me happy. I still want to tell my dad everything I like. I feel like I’ve silently burned bridges hoping that my complacency would be enough to make it as though it wasn’t happening, when I know that it’s just a blindfold to keep me from recognizing the actions I take.

I’m tired of being able to recognize the amount of people I make uncomfortable by inconveniencing them. It’s a ridiculous notion to have that the things that bring me happiness wouldn’t frustrate others, but I think I hold onto it close enough that I see every day when it does. I traded showing my dad minecraft houses and Lego figurines into watching shows with him and going to bike races, and now I feel like it’s over and I’ve driven an insurmountable wedge into the relationship we had even though there are still things we do. I feel like me growing up means me letting go of my dad. And it’s true, you do need to detach yourself from your parents as you get older. It’s part of life. But I feel like I lost one of my best friends to early. And it doesn’t just hurt me, but also who I used to be. I don’t know how to connect with anyone anymore.

I feel too out of place

I think that a lot of the things I’m seeing are a result of me fooling myself to believing lies that made me feel like I had control over uncontrollable situations. I’ve just been moving through life. I don’t feel like I have any sense of consistency looking back to when things were good. I’d trade everything for a day being a kid again.

I think it’s silly to think that I’m different though. I don’t, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling isolated. Everyone needs to mourn the loss of their childhood and move on, but it seems the only way I can make movement forward in my life is cutting ties and throwing them away rather than being able to untie them like everyone else. I can’t move on with the memories I’ve made and the things I’ve done, it’s as though my past is a burden that I can’t move on with the same flow and grace that everyone else does, in some nice dance between accepting the past and looking towards the future without forgetting the present. My nostalgia doesn’t feel warm or happy or fuzzy, it fills my soul with heartache and nothing but longing. I think that there were parts I was supposed to finish that I never did. I changed and I don’t know when and I don’t know how I can apologize to who I once was and to who I was supposed to be for being who I am.

I do not feel light from the end of the tunnel.

I do not understand how people feel hope and excitement for the rest of their lives, and maybe it’s because I traded the home I grew up in and the friends I had for an unfamiliar and unforgiving environment the same time that I was forced to take multiple steps in my growth but it does certainly feel like I’m in the acting of trading the things that I genuinely care about for meaningless junk.

I don’t know the last time I hugged my dad with a real hug that mattered. I want to get pushed high on the swing by my mom just one more time and I wish with everything I had she would drive me to the library to check out more books just one more time. No one had given up for me more than them and I’ve repayed them in the most shitty ways I could. They deserve so much better than me.

im grateful that I was given a heart that could love so much everything I had, and I’m so glad that I had a childhood to fill it but I sure as hell wish that it didn’t feel like I was throwing both away.

It feels selfish to complain about having such a good childhood.

I think it’s important to recognize the beauty of change. And I hope that I can always take time to appreciate love. I feel as though I’m capable and yet at the same time I feel like the potential I had is gone.

Maybe the price of moving on is forgetting the good and the bad. And maybe I should’ve learned it sooner.

all of you are beautiful.

thank you God for giving me a heart that could love so much, I’m sorry that I don’t know how to use it.

I’m moving without velocity

 

Just got my healthcare card in the mail : )

 

hey bro. the light is around the corner, you just don’t see it yet. you made a decision today to open up, and maybe you learned something as doing so. But you may not reap the rewards from what you’re doing right now for another 1, 3, 5 years. If you are hopeful, which you must be… You can TUURRRRN your life around. You can dramatically improve your overall state (the way you feel and operate) in one year. You have the ability to make such positive progress you will look back and not even believe it was possible. But you must have hope. Because hope is the gateway to faith and faith allows for miracles to happen in your life.

 

It sucks that you're having to grow up so soon. I hadn't really considered that this was something that could actually happen, or knew that an issue like this existed. I don't know how it feels, but I can imagine that it might incites a feeling of great loss. I'll pray for you.

You haven't repaid them in the worst way possible. There are much worse things that you could've become. As for your relationship with your father, all it takes is a little something here and there to show your appreciation for him. Just a small act of kindness would show that you're thinking of him, like offering to help move something or dropping your current task to help him look for something. Another way that you may be able to rekindle your relationship could be just making small talk. Like while he's driving you somewhere, if the trip will take some time, you can ask him a question about something that interests him, like a random question about bikes or shows that you guys have watched, or even "Do you remember the LEGO sets/Minecraft houses I used to build?" You could even ask about what he does for work.

As are you.

 

Not rlly going through anything serious rn, I am just worried about how my current friends' view of me are/is changing when they realized I draw furries. they keep being such assholes (whenever they see me drawing, they say "are you drawing FURRIES???" super loud for everyone to hear), and I think ppl are startin' to not like me cuz of that (which is stupid but it is probably true). I have some friends that are chill and dgaf, but I just don't want to become depressed just because I am doing what I enjoy

 

don't give a shït about what haters think just do you

 

valid

 

When they react after seeing you draw furries, you can ask them "Okay, and?" They'll either say something discriminatory or mumble about how it's "kinda weird." If they say something not-so-inclusive, you can politely ask them why it's weird, funny, or whatever. Basically, ask them why it's "weird," "funny," or why they react the way they do when you're drawing something you like. Bottom line, it's just something you're interested in, as simple as someone choosing to draw a bunch of sharks instead of an anglerfish, a zebra, or a slice of a tomato. Or you could skip all of that and just tell them you'd appreciate if they'd stop acting so surprised and stuff whenever you're drawing furries because it's getting annoying.

 

thx for the advice!

 

I strongly wish and believe that the world would be better if not for my presence in some peoples lives.

 

and why do you think that?

 

this probably doesn't help at all, but realistically what even is there about you that has made your existence a negative on people's lives. because there really isn't. and sure, you might think of plenty of stuff. but im sure the people in your life see the good in you. if they would be better without you they would have cut you off already

 

I don’t want to forget the way my grandmas basement felt. I don’t want to forget her back door leading up the dusty steps. I don’t want to forget somersaulting on her beds. I don’t want to forget the basement lights being turned off with just enough sunlight streaming through the windows for it to feel calm and not scary. I don’t want to forget how Easter felt, finding the Hobbit hidden in the bushes right after my dad finished reading it to me. I don’t want to forget playing tennis during the summer. I don’t want to forget buying shoes so I had a pair that fit me to walk around the zoo in. I don’t want to forget my mom driving me to school. I don’t want to forget the way spring days felt when the world felt happy and life more empty. I don’t want to forget the last day of third grade, celebrating that I could go home with my mom. I don’t want to forget my playgrounds. I miss my playgrounds. I don’t want to forget skipping rocks at the retention ponds. I don’t want to forget my friends. I don’t want them to forget me. I don’t want to forget staying up all night, until 11, to catch frogs we didn’t have a hope of grabbing. I don’t want to forget opening the family laptop the first time so that I could watch a movie with my dad. I don’t want to forget my bedroom. I don’t want to forget how I felt after I was made to feel little after being excited, no matter how much it hurts. I don’t want to forget Belle. I don’t want to forget throwing her ball. I don’t want to forget running in the canyon with her. Running in my canyon with my dogs. I don’t want to forget how happy I was to find shells with my dad. I don’t want to forget my dad. I miss my dad. I feel like I lost my dad. I feel like I lost my best friend. My best friend through moving. I feel like I drove a wedge between my relationships. I feel like I lost my dad. I feel like I lost my dad. I feel like I am the one who has caused that harm. I don’t want to forget how many dreams I had. I can’t match any hopes I once had. I am a let down. I am a disappointment to my own self. I have wasted what I was given. I am ungrateful for my opportunities. I am ungrateful to my parents. I make a big deal out of insignificant things. I get too excited. I should not get excited. I trust too many people. I don’t want to forget being told I was too old to play for the first time. I don’t want to forget realizing I was too old for my playgrounds. I miss my playgrounds. I miss my dad. I miss my friends. I miss who I was. I miss who I wanted to be. I miss who I should’ve been

 

Good grief cornball take it to a publisher

ts cringe you should kys

 

I miss my dogs I miss my grandpa I miss my friends I grieve so much of what made up my past it feels like I’m laying myself, the good me and the old me to a complete rest without giving it a proper goodbye. I don’t feel well connected to anyone in my own life anymore and every time I think of it it makes me want

I drive people away with who I am

I have never felt so little in every sense of the word except physical

 

I have never felt so stupid for wanting human connection. I am insignificant and I bring a detrimental value to the relationships I try to build. I am not important. I am not interesting. I am a burden to everyone around me. Some might not see it but it would be better if I never knew most people I’ve ever met. I hurt myself by wanting friends. I hurt myself by expecting those I place on a pedestal to think of me.

 

I can’t reach out to anyone I know because i can only expect disappointment and a worse situation but I dig my own grave by not giving many the chance to help