I've been holding this for way too long now.
In about two weeks, 2 years will have passed since my ex broke up with me. Not like it matters to me anymore or anything, I honestly couldn't care less about her, or our relationship. But, for some reason, that breakup has left me without the ability to make friends with girls. I know this sounds silly, but let me explain. Every time I start talking to a girl in my class, i.e., after a while i get this anxious feeling that makes me turn away from that said friendship, I stop responding to messages, and become colder in person. The reason why this happens is because there's a part of me that is trying to keep me safe, because I'm scared that I'll grow more and more attached to said person, and I'm scared they will hurt me again. So i just turn around and stop trying. And its not like I want to have a girlfriend right now, I don't, because I'm not mentally ready for it as it shows, but I do wanna be friends with them, and there's always that part of me that pulls me away from having a converstation or anything. I'm also really scared about what other people think of me, like, I don't want people feeling like I'm a weirdo or anything, because I also hate not fitting in, It's something that happened to me through all of highschool and I don't want it happening again. Even my friends push me to talk to women, but I just can't. I'm really afraid of getting hurt again, and I'm also really scared that is gonna keep me from having a family one day.
There's another thing that has been bothering me lately. Man f*ck anxiety. It's the worst. Just when you thought you had finally stopped having anxious episodes, just when your hands stopped shaking, just when your head stopped going at 200 mph about everything, it comes back and destroys your life a little bit more. I was diagnosed with anxiety by a doctor back in august, but i know I've had it for well over 4 years now. And yes, nowadays its not the worst its ever been, but its not exactly a great feeling. My biggest problem with it, is that its such a destructive feeling, because slowly it goes destroying everything around, all your relationships with friends, your studies, your relationship with your parents,... And I always try and keep my head occupied with mundane things, like burying myself in studies, or going to the gym, or listening to music, when all i wanna do is go to my bed, curl up and cry myself to sleep. I get up everyday and put on my fake smile mask and go on with my day, smiling at people, making them think that I'm really happy and everything, when in reality, I've got a lump in my throat and my mind is killing me every second. Also, can't tell my parents, because I've got everything i need, and if i need anything else, i ask for it and i get it, so I can't be sad, that would make me seem ungrateful! I've gone through a lot in my life, and I can't tell no one. Only 2 people know my full story, and everything that goes on in my head, and one of them doesn't care about me, and I don't wanna worry the other one, none of them are my parents or part of my family. I always say to see the good in life, search for the color, but sometimes life is so gray and so dull its unbearable. I hate going to college everyday, and then come home and be on the verge of crying for 2 hours until i compose myself again. I take all this sh*t everyday, and keep piling it up and piling it up, until I explode, and start having panic attacks, again, or until something worse happens. And i don't want that to happen man, I would never do it in my own self, I know how many people I would hurt, and how much sadness it would cause. At night, when it all becomes so unbearable and I can't sleep, I lay there, and start rethinking my life decisions, and what was that made me have these sort of thoughts right now. I should be a happy kid, right? I don't live in poverty, my parents are happily married, I don't have any terminal illness, I even have a plan for what I want to do in the future. But the anxiety is always there, and always keeps coming back. And I don't know what to do anymore, I've tried everything my doctor recommended. I just wanna be happy again, its been so long since I've been actually happy.
There's days when I can't take it anymore, and I just wanna scream very loudly, and let everything out, cry for hours and then sleep for 2 days straight. Or maybe sleep forever and never wake up. I'm tired.
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