been a while since i've given this thread something, so here i go.
2024, in order, had me continue working theater projects (third in a row, this a lead in a musical), a car crash that nearly killed me, a relationship that started as a "hey are you okay from that car crash?", having to break up with her since she was insane, then her working with me, then her quitting work and me taking on her shifts, then doing a theater musical's rehearsal schedule on top of working every day of the week, then getting in a different relationship with someone in the cast of the musical, for that not to work out, and have her block me on her birthday and badmouth me to the entirety of the cast behind my back while still boning once a week (no idea how else to describe that, lmao), to finishing said play and continuing into directing a kids camp and putting on a play with 8-10 year olds, going to a renaissance fair for a weekend, then dropping into working contiguously on two different other plays in wildly different styles, in two completely different and time consuming positions, to performing one of them, one of the most, if not THE most exhausting role i've ever had, then spending two days awake tearing one set down and putting up another, putting together a show with duties i had never carried before, slopping it together until it barely scraped into the performance night, having to be backstage for the entirety of the show (also had never done that, lmao), becoming stage manager after the stage manager (a woman) cheated on her wife with ANOTHER MARRIED WOMAN IN ANOTHER STATE, to tearing that set down, not showing up at the cast party because f*** that, to pulling together enough time and money to try and properly get the holidays done, and honestly, not even succeeding in that.
tldr, ow.
that doesn't talk about the emotional reaction to any that applied up above, nor the consequences constantly working and doing had on my social life, my personal life, or my relations with my family. the good news, is that i now only work five days a week, but my back hurts, my bank account is four figures, i dread spending time with my family, and i STILL feel completely overstimulated from the s***show.
and frankly, if i spent the time to try and process any of the hurricane that katrina'd all over the damn place here, i'd likely be worse off than i already feel i am!
what may be the most important bit to me in my own opinion; i did not accomplish, finish, and sometimes quit the things that i wanted to do just to squeeze these other projects through the door, just to feel like i'm still in the red. thinking like that, ANGERS me. f***ing stupid, all of it. it feels, yet not was, like a waste of my time.
i let it affect me.
i let it sit in my head and rot me from the inside out, instead of just moving on and getting on with the life that i'm actually wanting to lead. genuinely have no idea why it circles in there so persuasively.
worked on multiple tracks, multiple stories, film ideas, even filmed some things, and i still haven't gone through the footage for at least 95% percent of it. i've gotten one singular track to a playable state (though it's a behemoth, so let's be fair), and half detailed the sucker. at least ten others sit and languish, some from seven freaking years ago, still not finished, still good ideas, still something, or whatever. i've talked at length with people irl about getting together and never really organized anything for it. topping it off, i've gained at least 30 pounds this year.
i'm failing. i don't feel like i'm failing, rather i actively can see my own shortcomings, and i HATE that. what i hate even more is that i can't see the shortcomings as they happen, but rather in hindsight, even when trying to correct them.
so what am i really going to start doing about this?
holding onto everything, clutching little pearls instead of letting go to find new ones, is ruining me.
i'll be starting with this one problem. try and work the solution.
it ruins my work ethic, it ruins my confidence in my art, it ruins my train of thought in who i should actually be around, listen to, and try to be.
i love holding onto the tiniest sliver of hope in things, despite all evidence to a contrary, and wishing that that hope can carry me through whatever comes next. it's lovely, and romantic;
completely insane at the same time.
what is closer to truth is the complete opposite. I carry myself through whatever comes next, not the hope. I am the one who needs to get out the other side, not whatever i'm holding on to. maybe i thought i was stronger when i was with something else, and that may still be the case! but nothing can be the catalyst to what i could fully be.
I must be the change that comes in my own lifetime. I cannot wait anymore for it to arrive.
Click to expand...