Pour Your Heart Out

but I just did

 

Oh

 

I don't get it

 

I forgot all about this

 

this the most wisdom i ever had

 

wish I could fuc.k someone to get rid of my suicidal ideation

 

in all honesty amazing how he was able to turn his life around, sadly it doesn’t work like that for everyone :/

 

hop off this game first

 

well. sooner or later i thought i would make a post here. but now i just can't handle it anymore. even though i know nobody here irl, i just need somewhere to dump my problems lol. I mentioned i briefly dated by best friend a couple months ago in may, before she told me she couldn't figure out how she felt but she still really wanted to be friends. and thank go.d we were friends for that time. she is the greatest friend i have had or ever will had. she changed my life. but i fuc.ked up. i lost her friendship. the thing that meant most to me in the world, i lost, because of my own go.d awful stupidity.
so, as most of you know, i am the average teenage boy. 15 years old, sophomore year in high school, and has the dirtiest mind possible. i simply find se.x jokes funny, as do most boys my age. it's just my sense of humor. but i took it to far. my best friend, elie, has a sister that i was also pretty good friends with, and we texted relatively often. one day we ended up playing truth or dare, and she asked a random question i thought was funny, "if you could, would you have se.x with andrew garfield". it kinda caught me off gaurd, since i usually don't talk about this kind of stuff to her, but i guess in my mind it clicked that i thought she was ok talking about se.x and stuff. and then the next question she asked was, "when was the last time you jerked off". this really surprised me, since i'd only talked about stuff like this when being very gay around a select few of my guy friends. so this reaffirmed in my mind that she didn't mind talking about this kinda stuff. then my stupid as.s took it way too far and asked when she'd last been on pornhub, if at all. couple questions like that later, and we stopped playing. later that night i get a text from her mom saying to me that what i said to her had been extremely triggering for her, which i obviously wasn't aware of and felt horrible about. i apologized at once and promised not to do it again, her parents were very kind and understanding and told me that making mistakes was simply part of growing up, and they knew there was no malicious intent and i had not meant to hurt her at all. but, turns out, my best friend is extremely extremely protective of her sister. she got all pis.sed at me, saying how stupid i'd been and that whatever was between us was over and to never contact her again.
this absolutely broke my heart, i tried to explain to her that i didn't realize that what i had said would affect her like that, but she didn't listen. I've talked to her parents a couple times and they've told me that elie has always had a very hard time with forgiveness. even the person that i did this to, her sister, forgave me, and we aren't friends like we used to be, but we still greet each other when we pass in the halls at school and text every once in a while. but elie won't budge. its been over two months, and she still hates me.
so i lost my best friend. the best friend i have ever had. the person i cared about more than anything in the world, more than life. and it's all 100% my fault. i've tried to tell myself that i've apologized and done all i can do, and all i have left to do now is wait to see if she will ever forgive me. i would do absoultely anything just to be her friend again.

on top of losing my best friend in the whole dam.n world, in late june i was diagnosed with anorexia, an eating disorder. it has been a huge part of my life since, and quite the opposite of a positive one. for those of you who don't know, eating disorder recovery and treatment is quite complicated and completely takes over your life. right now i'm in an intensive outpatient program, which is 12 hours a week, but I just recently got recommended for a partial hospitalization program, which is upped to 30 hours a week, and is enough to take me out of school. and as a sophomore taking three AP classes, being taken out of school at this time is super bad for my potential future in college. my time out of school could be anywhere from a month to 6. this couple be awful for how i preform on AP tests at the end of the year, and could even hinder me passing my grade. it's all super stressful and i just don't know how this could turn out.

Spoiler: suicide/self harm topics

everything in my life is spiraling. it's getting harder to live every day. suicidal thoughts are getting stronger every day, and it's getting increasingly difficult to keep living this way. i'm cutting myself more and more often, and hate myself even more for it. i don't know what's going to happen

 

._. im sorry bro.

 

A lot of people in the Free Rider Community say I'm a bit of d.ick sometimes, but unlike others, I do genuinely care about people's feelings both irl and online. To keep this short, that scenario was not your fault. How would you know how she would respond, besides, she came in all guns blazing saying "When was the last time you jerked off?" It was just a real shame you lost your best friend in the process, I can't imagine how you felt.

As for Anorexia, it's no joke. I can't comprehend what you must be going through right now, so much missed free time and loss of school hours, the struggles of everyday life. I have full faith in whatever you're going through, you're going to make soundly recovery in however long it may take. Life is worth living, you should push through all challenges to continue on your legacy, it also makes you a stronger person. Although all our futures are uncertain, one thing is for sure, with help, determination and change of mind, it will drive us on some sort of path.

There's a reason why my signature on forums says "The Legacy Continues...", As in all aspects of life, it guides us onto the years where we grow, change and become stronger, life doesn't unfold in reverse.

I wish you all the best man. (Maybe take some time off Free Rider unless it is an important part of your daily life, do whatever's best for you)

 

I’m am very sorry for you :-( If there happens to be some thing I can do for you to help. You can always conversation with me.

 

hard stuff here

 

thank you guys <3

 

I'm sorry to hear that that happened. I can't imagine losing someone in such an awful way, let alone such a special person. Even though this situation was "caused" by your actions, I think you're being too hard on yourself. In my eyes, you did nothing wrong at all. Sure, you made a joke that did hurt someone, but the way that Elie's sister mentioned that topic so casually is a clear indication to me that she's totally fine with talking about this type of stuff, and the fact that she followed up with another question this time related to you personally makes me think, "Yeah, she's definitely okay with talking about this stuff." So I'm honestly confused about how she was somehow "triggered" by something she brought up. I don't blame you at all for responding the way you did, since you were literally responding to her interests; it's virtually the same as asking what someone's favorite car brand is to someone who just said they were interested in cars. Perhaps she had some sort of traumatic experience with that site specifically, but I don't see how her first and second questions weren't a trigger already.

It was kind of the parents for dismissing the incident as a minor mistake that anyone could have made, but Elie's unforgiving behavior is not very considerate. Making a little joke like that should not warrant such ostracism, in my opinion. I can barely make sense of Elie's reaction. Calling you "stupid" isn't fair at all, because if everybody was too scared to crack a joke during conversation, human interaction would be incredibly boring because all comedy pokes fun at something. "Whatever between [you guys] was over and to never contact her again" is not a very mature response to a lighthearted joke. This, to me, is a huge misunderstanding and you should not have been treated this way. Maybe I don't understand the situation fully, but what I think is that it's really unfair, this situation, and I'm once again sorry that you have to go through this. I'll pray for you.

Dealing with this alone is difficult enough, but when you've lost a major foundation in your support system, the whole game changes. It's good that you're receiving medical care, but I can see why it might not be so good anymore once it interferes with your routine. I suppose your health should come before everything else, but things really aren't working out for you. I can't remember if you've been talking to a therapist before, but if you aren't, I think it would be good to find a professional worker to work with you through your mental burdens. Of course, getting a therapist will take up even more time, but it certainly can be helpful. Either way, you can always reach out to me if you need someone to talk to. Again, I'm praying for you. Hope things get better soon, Xenom.

 

I know how you feel with the eating disorder, I have one actually. ARFIDs. It's been with me since kindergarten and probably before. I'm sorry you got diagnosed with it and I am glad you are getting help for it.

 

tysm man. i am indeed going to a therapist, and it's been helping a bit. what you've said makes sense, I feel like if I could just talk to her, idk if she's misunderstood what happened or what, because I thought our friendship was strong enough to be able to move over something like this. she's blocked me though and avoids me/cold shoulders me any time we see each other.

 

we love xenom

 

If you can't talk to her through online or in-person means, I would maybe try to ask her sister to pass on a message for you. Having Elie's sister explain to Elie what's going through your head would be a good choice since it's clear that her sister's already gotten over the incident for a good while now. If the person directly affected doesn't hold any hard feelings anymore and has already restored harmony with the other, I don't see why Elie should still make such a large fuss over some small joke. With Elie's sister explaining how everything's okay and that you really didn't mean any harm at all, it might be able to help Elie understand your point of view.