Pour Your Heart Out

That’s AMAZING man! I’m really glad that you put it here, spreading good news and updating your situation is great. I hope you guys can keep it working out. From everything I’ve seen, you seem like a very nice dude, and have a great personality, so she’s really lucky to be with you.

gl man! I’m also really glad that it’s helping manage your depression.

 

Let us know how it goes!

 

in fact, I also thought that building a relationship with a girlfriend is gorgeous, because no matter how ready and able she is to understand you, we have been married for several years, but I feel that I treat her as a girlfriend, and not as a full-fledged partner. (it’s not about physical relationships, but rather about mental ones) everything makes me outdated, but it seems to me that something is wrong ..... I understand that with this it’s more likely to go to a psychologist and not to forums, but it’s scary to go there, so I Here

 

Not disclosing the persons name lol, but can anyone correct this unique point of view? its pretty fuc.ked up. (they saw my previous post here and messaged me on discord)

(spoiler: There is literally no complete cure for ADHD)

 

What the heck?

According to Google, psychiatrists spend anywhere from 10-15 years studying and building and honing their knowledge in human health before they can be considered doctors. So by this information, whatever their opinion is, no matter the fact that they're experts in mental health issues, as well as the fact that they've actually met you and gone through multiple procedures to give you your diagnosis, they're still wrong and the keyboard warrior who's never met you in person and only knows of your existence through a post in a dying online bike game is right. This is like a Forza Horizon enthusiast trying to teach Lewis Hamilton how to drive. Yes, they're right, mental health can be improved with meditation, exercise, journaling, and dopamine detox, but there are probably a thousand other factors that these solutions are totally useless against. Emphasis on "can".

I think the fact that they don't care what a professional opinion says already rules out the fact that they're being serious. My gut feeling tells me that the person is either trolling or incredibly uneducated. Actually, trolling is a rather light word to use, since this sort of stuff is very disrespectful and can have a lot more impact than one might think. Yeah, I'd say that message is pretty messed up, serious or not. Sorry that you had to deal with that.

 

That is the average Iman Ghadzi viewer
Something similar to the Andrew Tate enjoyer
Don't worry about it man
Just listen to a_drain

 

I have never actually been diagnosed with ADHD professionally but I have taken a government test and I do have many symptoms for it.

 

Amazing! I hope you stay together for a while, well deserved man!

What the fu.ck? I can't believe someone would have the nerve to say that. They have to be joking, for both scenarios if they are or if they aren't that is insanely disrespectful and I feel insanely sorry you had to endure what happened with that.

 

fu.ck me

you know what doesn’t help your mental health? when your best friend and crush kisses you, acts like everything is cool, whilst i literally have trouble believing it, thinking i’m dreaming or some shi.t. i then ask her if we’re officially dating, and she says “i think so”, which sounded weird, but i brushed it off. then, while i’m still trying to comprehend what’s happening, i kiss her again and she kind of starts acting like my gf. i’m actually kinda feeling happy, but it only lasts for a day, because over the next week or so, i hang out with her a time or two, and she acts more distant than before. then with no context, she tells me she wants to talk about our relationship. i start freaking out, thinking i did something wrong, then when we talk, she tells me she couldn’t tell if she liked me, and thought she could figure it out by kissing me. the first time, she said she still couldn’t tell, and kissed me again and started acting like my gf too see if it would “tip the balance” and she would start liking me. she felt guilty enough doing this that she eventually asked to talk about it, and she now says she doesn’t know how she feels. she also says she is now hovering between bisexual and lesbian.


so yeah. when your best friend and crush kisses you and actually think someone cares about you in that way, after only a week, she says she doesn’t know how she feels about you and may not even be attracted to guys in general, which i have no problem with other than the fact that i’m a guy and i’m attracted to her. awesome


then again, shouldn’t have been stupid enough to think someone would ever like some ugly nerdy depressed kid whose hobbies are playing a game about clicking cookies, a 2d bike game, and twisting a plastic cube.


i also don’t blame her though, i totally understand what it’s like to not know if you like someone or not. the only thing i actually am a little pis.sed about is she wasn’t honest. i told my family and a couple of my friends that we were dating, and now i have no fu.cking idea what to say to them. it would’ve been easier if she was just straight with me from the beginning.


still, thank god we’re still friends, and i hope it stays that way, because she truly means the world to me, and i don’t know what i would do if i lost her friendship.


no real hard feelings against her, it’s really my fault for believing she actually liked me in that way. however, i still can’t stop thinking if things would’ve been different if i’d kissed her better, said something different, i don’t fuc.king know. knowing me, i definitely screwed something up. hopefully sometime in the future she gets her feelings sorted out, and hopefully we actually could start dating, because it did really make me happy, thinking i was dating her.


all this has also gotten me thinking about my own sexuality too, which i’m now super fu.cking confused about. i’ve always assumed i’m straight until recently, and i now genuinely don’t know anymore. honestly, other than her, i’m not sure if i’ve ever liked anyone like that. i had a couple “crushes” throughout elementary and middle school, but now i’m thinking it’s just because i thought they were cute or good looking or whatever, and i never had one on a guy because of the stupid social construct of the US school system and just US in general.


i’m beginning to think i might even be fuc.king asexual, because i’ve literally never felt sexual attraction to anyone. anything like that seems weird to me. and, i really have only liked somebody romantically once, and that’s her. and, i seem to have fuc.ked that up, like most things.


my entire life rn is really fu.cking confusing overall.i wouldn’t say i’ve been contemplating suicide or been suicidal, but i’ve definitely been thinking about stuff like that a lot more often.death in general too, what would happen if i died, or whatever. i just don’t fu.cking know what i’m doing.hopefully, i can get this shi.t sorted out.

 

I don't know exactly what to say to you, because I've never gotten far enough to ever date anyone so I can't understand precisely what you feel. But if you need to talk about stuff I'm definitely here for you. I don't want to "voluntold" someone, but a_drain has helped me tons, and. he's a really good person to talk to. Don't blame yourself though, is what I'll say, because it's definitely not your fault that you didn't "kiss better" or whatever. I know that from pretty much everyone that's told me about their first kiss, which granted isn't a lot, no one loved it. They liked it, but it was awkward. And also about the sexuality thing, that is a whole load of crap to unpack for some people. This may be a hot take, but I feel like it takes lots of time, and you only start figuring it out the older you get. Im not going to say that people's feelings are invalid, but I have a cousin who is 12? who thinks that she's nonbinary, and lesbian, and all this stuff. It keeps changing, and in my opinion kids that say that aren't even old enough to really understand attraction. Some people are late bloomers, others early, but I genuinely didn't really understand what a crush really was until like I was 14 and some change. I don't know why, probably because when I should've started understanding that I got thrown into isolation because of the pandemic. I'm off topic, sorry. Anyways, this isn't your fault, and I'm not going to say that she's a bad person, but you definitely shouldn't have been used for her to understand her own sexuality. You're coolbeans, and im certain you're more than you think you are.

 

you know the state of the world socially speaking is messed up when people trust video gaming forums more their own friends and family

i partially agree with that take tbh

 

its totally different. none of you here personally know me or her. its weird for my family because i just told them that im dating someone and then a week later i tell them, oh, by the way, she never actually liked me, and still can't figure out whether she does or not.
its just not something you say to people you know personally. smth like that ig

 

Yeah, I agree. I think usually with this kind of stuff most people will avoid telling their parents unless it's a really special child-parent bond. Most people would tell their friends, or want to tell people their age about this, but it's not really something you'd share with a little brother or full-grown adult.
It's the same thing as to why parents might feel awkward when giving the "talk" to their children. I'm sure it's easy enough for them to talk about puberty amongst the parents themselves, though.

 

Thanks for calling me out for not having a good relationship with my family, as well as having no friends . This is why I don't like reaching out for help at all

tbh "that take" that you agree with isn't by someone that really understands how adhd works. adhd isn't curable, it's not something you can fix by meditation or whatever else. Mental health can be improved through journaling, excercising, meditating, but it's not that way for everyone. Not everyone has access to resources that can improve their mental health, and if it's bad enough that stuff might not make a big enough dent to make anyone see improvement. When someone doesn't even have the motivation to get out of bed it's really hard to go excercise or meditate, especially if they're not seeing a difference. I am all for doing those things, but I don't think that we should be telling people that it will fix their problems, and that they are that way because they aren't trying hard enough.

 

i dont entirely agree with that take like you say i do, but i 100% get where he's coming from. adhd can't exactly be cured by meditating, but it does help heaps, and should not be forgotten about, and if the only way to get people to do them is by telling them that it completely fixes adhd then by all means tell people that. also i dont agree with the point that lots of people dont have enough resources to improve their mental health when 3 out of the 4 things that dude mentioned dont even require any resources at all and are pretty easy to do all things considered, and if someone can't do them then they kinda aren't trying very hard to at all, though in most cases that's not necessarily their fault

 

I remember being small, and learning about the term suicide and what it meant. Hearing about self harm. Stuff like that. I remember hearing or reading about people that were depressed, struggled with being happy. That was ridiculous, at the time. Of course it was, life was hopeful! Life had purpose and meaning. Ironically, looking back, as kids life has the least amount of meaning as you'll ever realize. Maybe that's what makes us happy as children. Life doesn't need meaning to be enjoyable. That maybe needing meaning is the entire reason life feels meaningless.

And now we have now.

I guess in all I don't really want to be happy. I'm okay with feeling sad, because sadness can be comfortable. I think what I really want is to be more peaceful. Feel okay. Because for the longest time there's always been so much missing. I lost my house. I lost my friends. I lost 2 years of my life. I lost my dog. Sophomore year just ended, went to my final class today and finished yearbook night a couple hours ago. I distinctly remember feeling so stressed an anxious during this school year and wishing for summer. But looking at the few signatures I got compared to everyone else's I just feel empty. I know that I'm going to be anxious about other things, this isn't a fix in any way. Maybe I do want to be happy, and not just calm. Calm is shooting for the moon, happy the stars. I just want to feel truly happy sometimes, with no repercussions . I want to be small again, when summer break meant the world went on break and it pretty much lasted forever. I want to go to a playground and just be able to hop on a swing, and slide down some slides. So much of me feels gone, I have to wonder when I'm ever going to get it back. I want to know when I'm going to be able to go over to someone's house and knock on the door again. I don't think I ever will be. I think that stayed where I moved from. I can't just go knocking anymore, people have places to be! Anyone I hang out with lives far from here, and I'm definitely at the bottom of the priority list. I just wish that I felt wanted. That might be one of the highest reasons for anxiety, is just not ever feeling enough for anybody. I can't meet up to my parent's expectations, even though they sometimes pretend that I'm meeting them. My friends don't like how nerdy I can get, or my sense of humor. I tell jokes to my dad, that he doesn't think are funny. They usually turn into a life lesson. My dad doesn't always act like my friend, and usually he doesn't. But I treat him like that probably because I don't have anyone else to go to. I have no one to share the happy moments with, and those are becoming increasingly rarer. I feel bad whenever I feel sad moments, and I wish that I felt more comfortable talking about them.

I don't really know why I decided to write this. Probably because I know the feeling I have right now. I feel like I'm on the verge of a slippery slope, and I know that if I don't start to do something that I'm going to lose it. It's so hard to explain everything that one feels, so insanely difficult. I feel like I'm on the verge of screaming, crying, celebrating, breaking down, and just laying here and going to sleep. I've gotten uncannily good at hiding everything I feel. Or maybe it's just that no one cares enough to ask. I'm sure it's both.

If anyone here ever is going through a difficult time and you want to talk to someone, don't ever hesitate to ask me. It doesn't matter what it is, how small or big. It doesn't matter how it might appear that I'm doing. I want people on here to know that they're not alone.

There's so much to say and it feels like you never have the time or words to say it. My brain feels like it's moving faster than the Earth is spinning. The Earth spins at something like !670 kph, and it's crazy that in a moment like this life can feel so out of control that you can feel yourself hurtling through space, but actually reflecting seems to pause time. I haven't accomplished anything in this life, and I feel like that's the most disappointing thing about me. I'm halfway through high school and I haven't made any new friends, and I haven't gone anywhere in life. I don't know what I'm going to do. I got the worst grades I think I've ever gotten in classes this last quarter. How is it that I manage to fail this much and still try so hard. It's like you're running in place, but looking back you know how much harder you could've ran. Looking back you understand where you should've sprinted. Heaven knows that if I'dve just kept my goals and plans that I'd be perfectly on track. I hate this time of year, because there's always so much reflection that I do inadvertently. My birthday is coming up, and the school year ends. I am always thinking about my past, and worrying about my future. I think what makes me feel the worst, the most empty, is me knowing how elated I should feel. I should feel good. I should feel on top of it. And yet I still want to crawl inside my bed and only peel myself out to eat. Sometimes I don't even want to do that. I should be happy. I should be celebrating like everyone else. I don't understand why I can't feel like I used to. I hate feeling so hopeless. Every time I reach a crescendo in life, there's always a larger diminuendo. The cymbals go from crashing, to perhaps a singular violin playing at pianissimos . Sometimes you just want the music to stop. I think I'm going to break up the band one day.

During moments like these it becomes a lot clearer that this might not be a low. I think that perhaps I'm just hiding it from myself this entire time. I feel like a shattered windshield. I want to make something that can make myself happy. I want to make something that can make someone else happy. Everything that I enjoy is pointless. I feel like that's how it is for a lot of people, but anything that I truly enjoy is absolutely useless. Slowly everything that I enjoy turns from trying to do it to make myself happy to doing it to impress others. I'm not saying I don't enjoy it, but that's not the primary purpose, almost ever. When it comes to drawing I do it because my parents like me too, I think that maybe people will think higher of me if I do so. I want to create on here no longer because I want to make something cool, but because I want to make something someone else will think is cool. I crave attention from everywhere, and I wish I didn't rely on it so much. I play the piano because when I go somewhere I want to be able to do something that people think is cool, and my parents require it. I don't want to play something that I enjoy, I want to do something that someone else will. The only thing that this doesn't apply to in my life is mountain biking, I'm just failing myself in that area. I crave to go faster and get stronger and better. That is maybe the only self-improvement I do. I think that all in all the worst thing about all of this is that all of my trying is leading to no results. If something I did actually did make someone happy it would feel worth it. It would feel accomplishing, but when all is done that's never how it turns out. It only ever ends up in failure, because no one gives a ****. Why would they? I don't understand why I expect or want anyone to like me when I can't even like myself.

Despite the fact that I haven't changed barely at all since covid, it's ironic that during self recognition I'm completely unrecognizable. I'm not even myself anymore. "I turned myself to face me, and I never got a glimpse". I don't know who I am, but I know sure as hell it's not who I want to be. I'm maybe one of the most immature, stupid, and unpleasant people to be around. I just want to be loved, enjoyed, wanted. I know people that have it so much worse, so I don't understand why I even feel this way. I don't know why I can try and help others, and in any other case it's not that way. I always see something good in someone except for myself. I think that it might be better if I didn't think about this, that I just kept the mask on and kept ignoring what's here. I've tried so hard for absolutely nothing. I think that's the end realization. My life is so good compared to literally so many that I know. Wanting half of the things that I do is a first world problem, thinking back I just sound spoiled.

I don't want all of this to be negative. It's hard to always try to sound positive when you don't see any of it that way. I think that I'm probably a very pessimistic person, which makes a lot of sense as to why people don't want to be around me. I think I could probably change that point of view, but having the glass half empty seems easier. That's probably the driving factor in my declining mental health. Laziness, I mean. The only thing I've really accomplished is quitting sh. That's over. I'm done, and I'm never going back. It's been maybe 4 or 5 months, maybe less. I'm not fully sure, I didn't mark the date. I just hated myself enough to stop. It sucked, but it's done.

 

Hey
I haven’t been on forums very long but I’d like to say that you are very good at writing. You clearly have thought about the things you wrote for a long time. Depression is hard, probably one of the hardest things we humans have to deal with. It sucks out all of you joy and leaves you with a insufferable lack of feeling that eats at your soul. I’ve been there. Based off of your post you don’t have a great relationship with your parents. I’d like to encourage you to fight for that. I know it’s hard to say all the things you typed to someone in person but explaining how you feel can be freeing. I will be here for you if you want to talk things out. Pm me if you want my number.
God bless,
LT

 

dude i need to stop reading this thread

 

dude i need to stop writing in this thread