View attachment 13102
(This picture is me FYI)
I have no point here. My levels just take up space and are complete crap for someone my level. I'm in a few collabs now, and I'll see how thy do. I'm at about a 50/50 chance of leaving soon. I know a lot of you will be happy, a lot sad, most not caring, but whatever. My reasons being
1: It's just not as fun as it used to be. I know this is pretty stereotypical for someone to say but Idc. It's not exceptionally boring, it's just not quite as fun.
2: As stated, I'm crap. I feel like whenever I upload a level, people are always thinking "why is he so successful? He doesn't deserve it!" And that's partially true, I don't deserve anything. In the end, I don't matter. In the game or real life. My sole existence is to make others happy, because I'm just a waste of skin and bones and money, for my parents sake.
3: I'm dying (not literally). My levels just aren't doing good. This is the least important thing I've said so far, but it needs to be said. It's not yall's fault. It's mine. I know I need to do better. But I don't know why, but I can't focus long enough to make long amazing tracks. I feel guilty if I don't upload every day, but I feel guilty if I upload a short level. I can't win. I have almost 900 subscribers and my last 4 levels never went past 25 likes. That's embarrassing. Like I said, this one I care the least about. And if I quit, I'll still play, and be on the forums. And I'll get the mobile app too.
4: It's interfering with my school. I spend 6 hours+ on this game every day. Yes I have no life. And it's only at school. I can't pay attention and play at the same time but if I don't upload, it eats me up inside.
5: I am mentally and physically f*cked. I wake up, thinking "how am I going to make me want to kill myself today? If I do, I'm even more of a disappointment to everyone I know. I go to school and people literally walk by and, I sh*t you not this happened yesterday, say "die you ugly cow." It doesn't affect me much because worse has happened to me, but I'm useless. At lunch I sit alone. On the bus I act happy so I don't depress everyone. At home I'm alone because my parents don't think anything I say matters. I'm outside and I'm alone because nobody wants to be seen with somebody as ugly as me. And at school I'm made fun of, marginalized, and thrown out. And I have positives, maybe. If people get to know me, maybe they'd see I'm not just a horrible person. I keep to myself, I don't talk to anyone I don't know, so what did I do wrong? Maybe it's depression or something stupid like that but I don't think so. Maybe I do deserve every ounce of hate both online and IRL that I get. I must have done something because everybody on earth can't all be wrong when they treat me like crap, so what did I do?
Sorry if I sound whiny. I have no one to talk to and I have my entire life story on my info page, which is something I've never told anyone. Ive never been this in-depth about myself to anyone. Never told anyone (other than family) that I was molested, and homeless, etc. So I'd like to thank the entire FRHD community for being (mostly) nice people and making me feel comfortable enough so that I could say things like this. Should I leave?
If anyone wants to PM me in private for any reason, I'll speak to anyone about anything. Just ask
anyone that knows anything about psychology want to be my little online therapist for a bit?
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