Pour Your Heart Out

this might be too much info given youre still in school and probably dont have the time/motivation/money to invest in what im writing below, but i think this could benefit ppl anyways + i love this topic so here we go

if you wanna gain weight/muscle mass without just gaining fat, you need to be super conscious of what youre eating. both volume and what macros youre eating. imo it's harder to clean bulk than to simply cut, but if you have the hunger of a typical teen boy it may not be such a slog lol. to gain weight you need to be eating >20% of your caloric maintenance (can be calculated over a couple weeks using scales + diet plan, or online calculators like this: https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/weight-loss/in-depth/calorie-calculator/itt-20402304) with an intense focus on hitting macro split of 40% protein/25% carbs/35% fats. putting in the height/age/weight/activity levels youve briefly outlined in your post, your caloric maintenance would be somewhere around 2500cl-2900cl, so youd ideally start eating an extra 500cl-600cl per day minimum, maybe more if you do a lot of cardio-intensive exercise (running, afl, tennis, swimming, cycling etc etc). this, coupled with regular gym sessions - around 30-60 mins 3-5 times per week, focus on compound movements/progressive overload etc - you will gain weight, albeit slowly (probs around 250-750g per week). ofc this can be expedited with a dirty bulk, but youll gain more fat this way - just depends on what your goal is. for best results, stick to a stringent bulk diet for 4 weeks, relax it for 2 weeks, and repeat as much as you like - youll see better and more sustainable results like this, than maintaining a strict diet over a long period of time with no breaks

alternatively, if you want to lose weight but gain muscle mass, you just do the opposite. eat 10-20% below your caloric maintenance, make sure to get in 10k steps per day, maybe add in 1-2 HIIT/LIIT cardio sessions per week, and get in 3-5 weight training sessions per week. im in a cut rn, eating 2000-2200cl/per day with a macro split of 50% protein/30% carbs/20% fats and im seeing good, sustainable progress towards my weight goal. again, diet strictly in 4-week stints and have a break at maintenance for 2 weeks, then continue. it hardly feels like a diet either; im eating almost 200g protein per day, so im never hungry

for more excellent advice on cutting/bulking/workouts/fitness tips, check out jeff nippard and dr mike's renaissance periodization; both use peer-reviewed studies to back what they say, and most of what ive said here has come from them.

also tplacella consider having more salt/electrolytes alongside drinking more to avoid cramping, will help heaps. might add something in about uni at some point, but i need to get back to work lol

 

SS+GOMAD

also idk i felt like the biggest procrastinator in high school, which almost immediately changed after getting to university. my biggest problem in high school was that the most interesting subjects also happened to be the easiest, so if i spent any time studying them it felt like i was procrastinating on the more boring subjects that needed more attention, and i ended up procrastinating on everything.

in uni you get to the habit of doing A LOT of homework/studying every week AND the most challenging subjects also happen to be something that you are interested about. more challenging schoolwork and the removal of uninteresting subjects motivated me to get to the habit of studying for the first time ever, and several times after that, because everytime after a small break i would need to relearn the habit again. after being able to change your habits enough times (not once, not twice, a lot of times), it becomes easier and easier and you start to believe in your ability to change

im not really big into self help stuff and i would never read anything similar written by you guys, let alone take anything into practice, but i still felt like writing about my studying experience overall i feel like you need to succeed in something several times until it starts to get easier. and engineering = cool

 

So my biological mom overdosed. Doesn't necessarily bother me but I remember saying something about her like 4 years ago. I haven't seen her in 17 years and now I'll never see but that's not saying I want too in the first place.

 

Just weird she killed herself 3 days before my bday. I don't know if it's my fault

 

I don't know how to feel right now because I'm not really shocked. She was always hooked on pills and I hated her. But now that I know she's dead I kinda feel bad because I think it is my fault because I don't want to see her. Happened unexpectedly and my family is going crazy now because they want everyone to help pay for the funeral but my mom doesn't deserve a funeral she neglected me she let my dad and his friends abuse me and you expect everyone to help pay for her funeral. Hell no she brought this all on herself. I'm not saying she deserved to die I'm saying she could of fixed herself. She went to places to help her but she just pushed it away. Maybe if she cared for me then I would care for her.

 

its not your fault bro, don't blame yourself for this.

 

My grandma died of pancreatic cancer indirectly this summer. She was supposed to get better and she bled to death internally. Couldn’t eat, wouldn’t receive food or water. She was supposed to be put on the most comfortable settings so she wouldn’t hurt. It’s what she begged for and pleaded her entire life, and as we drove her to the hospital. She should have been gone within the week. My psychotic aunts (diagnosable) begged her and twisted her to tell the doctors to take any measures to preserve her life. She lived in pure agony and pain, literally one of the very worst ways you can die naturally, if you consider any of this natural, for about 3 weeks after. Cancer is a *****

 

So I got news that my biological dad never wanted to put me up for adoption. My grandma was the problem and she broke my mom and dad up.
So if that wasn't to happen my mom will be alive still so idfk what to say. Lots of people are messaging me on snap and insta saying sorry for my loss. I tell them don't waste your time because I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I'm relieved like I can live my life in peace. Ofc I have my grandma and dad to worry about but they know not to go near me. Been holding this grudge for over a decade and it's gonna stay that way. But I think me not wanting to see her is also the reason but I wouldn't feel like this if my grandma didn't mess stuff up.

 

How are you guys doing fr

 

trying to stay disciplined and set up good habits for college

 

Good stuff

 

not the best fr

 

Why is that?

 

What’s up man?

 

Sorry for the long message and you don't have to read it if you don't want. It is just a message about my life at the moment.

I love playing basketball, it is my happy place, it is the only place that I can go to escape from my problems. In April 2023, I tore my left knee ACL, which is a season, if not career ending injury. I had surgery in June 2023 and was expected to recover after 12 months from surgery. All was well until I had pain in my right knee towards the end of my recovery from my left knee. It turns out I had floating pieces of cartilage in my knee which needed surgery. In July 2024 I had surgery on my right knee. The recovery time was expected to be 3 months but since I hadn't had full strength in both my legs for a while it would be more like 4. This coming November I have my test to be able to return to sport. This past year and a half has been extremely difficult for me without being able to play sports and basketball.

It is fortunate that I have had other things to focus on for the past year and a half. Around the time that I got my first surgery, I started dating this girl. She has been there through my whole journey and has given me comfort and support over the time of my recovery. I would definitely have been in a worse place than I have been over the past year if she wasn't there, so I am grateful for that. Recently, she broke up with me with me for no real reason. I don't want to go into the explanation of it - not because I am uncomfortable but just because there is so much to unpack and I don't think anyone will be interested enough. Obviously I am upset about the situation but definitely more than you think. I still talk to her but I don't want to at the same time. I struggle with overthinking and I can't make up my mind if I should bother with her.

I also struggle with my weight as I am 6 foot 2 inches and 67kg. I also eat a bunch of food and definitely more than a lot of people above my weight but it goes straight in and out because of my genetics, height and activity. Over the past year I have been going to the gym for my knee rehab and trying to get stronger but I took long breaks from it for periods of time and have only really been going consistently around 4 times a week for around 4 months as well as doing cardio and getting back into sports. Over the last year I have stayed 62kgs and grown around 3-4 inches, in the last 4 months since consistently working and stuffing in more protein and calories, I have gained 5 kg. I am still skinny and it is still one of my biggest insecurities.

I have also struggled with unhealthy habits but it isn't a large problem. My parents also argue and fight a lot and it isn't nice to be at home sometimes because nobody is happy. I also hate going to school now since I hate learning the stuff there and I don't really have many friends. I average A's in school but I am not paying attention or doing the stuff that I am meant to 90% of the time during class, so I rely on my knowledge and studying the night before to carry me in assessments. I also have exams coming in the next couple of weeks which have added to my stress levels.

I think the problem with my mental state at the moment is that there are so many things that are weighing down on me that I feel like giving up. I know there are things I can do to help but I can't seem to do them sometimes. I also worry too much and I hate it so much because I know I shouldn't worry but I don't know how to stop myself.

There are things I am sure I have left out and I know my life may seem much better than some of you guys but I hope you don't judge since it has been nice being able to write about things.

 

I have read all of this and I will respond soon I am sorry about that

 

I am sorry I have been busy all day and been dealing with many things and am also typing on a phone. I am sorry that all of that is going on and if you need to talk to someone you can talk to me. I am sorry to hear about your ACL I have a friend who has had similar experiences and I have had similar experiences on a small scale so I know how devastating can be and how that can make someone feel. I am glad you had someone that helped you through all of that and I am sorry that she seemed to dump you out of nowhere. If you need advice on that or need to talk about that I have helped many of my friends through situations and would love to try and help you if you’re comfortable with that. All in all I would encourage at a base level for you to remain kind and cordial towards her but if it hurts you or if you don’t want to remain close or even friends with her that is okay and I think it’s healthy even considering the background there. On the note of weight, I am in the same boat as you buddy! Although I have never felt super insecure, there are things about me physically I am very very insecure about and I know how much viewing yourself that way must hurt you. I weigh 135 and am 6’0 so I understand your physique and know people that are very insecure about that. If you’d like to go into more detail I’d love to hear it. I am very proud of you for putting in that work and for improving yourself that is such a huge step honestly and I think it’s great. However, there is absolutely nothing wrong with remaining skinny over time, it takes lots and lots of work to improve just a little bit and everyone’s genetics are different.

I do not have time to respond to the last part right now but I am very sorry that is going on and I am sure it must take a large mental toll on you. If you ever need to talk one on one dm me and I will respond tomorrow. Hopefully this makes sense I am on a phone it is harder to see and text. Stay safe man

 

thanks so much, I'll reach out if I need

 

Lucky for you, i was in that same exact position about a year and a half ago! And I've - almost - completely gone over it. I'm gonna try and explain what I did, and how I overcame those problems.
So, im gonna break each part down, and explain the solution.

My thing is baseball. I've played it for 10 years. I didn't tear my ACL, but i almost completely broke my right arm elbow, i almost teared the common extensor tendon, basically tennis elbow, and i couldn't throw for about 3 months. And after that, my team dissolved, some went to college, others lost interest, and i was left there, almost stranded, without a team and a hurting elbow.

That was June 2023. I didn't play or do anything related to baseball for the rest of 2023, until September this year, when my old club called me up to be one of their coaches. And man, it has been so refreshing being able to teach other kids the sport that i love. I'm not telling you that you should become a coach, or that you should stop playing. Where I am going with this, its the fact that your love for a sport doesn't have to end just because you got an injury. I'm gonna suppose that you're between 13-16 years old. You have a lot of time left, and while an ACL injury id pretty career-ending, your body still has a lot of strength to overcome that injury. But, this is very important, you have to be patient, don't rush it or you'll make it worse. Listen to the doctors, listen to the strength coaches, do the excersises they tell you and be patient. I'm sure that you will be on that court sooner than you think. Happy recovery!

Coincidentally, that exact same thing happened to me. So, I started dating this girl on June 2021, and she broke up with me on February 2023. Why? I still don't know why, one friday she said we should meet up, and she just said that we shouldn't be seen each other anymore, and that she didn't have a reason why, she just felt like it wasn't going to work - everything was perfect, at least in my eyes. Now, i was absolutely lost and broken, she was the girl of my dreams, and she just left like that. Man, i fell into a deep deep hole, that almost got me, twice. Thankfully I'm here, and I'm also here for you - we are - so don't be saying all that "I don't think anyone would be interested enough". So, she broke up with me, and I immediately blocked her off of everything on my phone, I know it hurts, I know you don't want to do it, but it's the best way to forget her, just let go.

That girl doesn't want anything to do in your life, and all she's gonna do is ruin you even more, It took me about 4-5 months to forget and forgive her. I went through all of the stages, and I'm gonna break them apart so you don't make the same mistakes as i did.

• Pain: The first thing that you're gonna feel - you're probably feeling it right now - is pain. A deep deep stinging pain inside of your heart that never ever disappears. This is a phase that you can not go through. The best way, in my opinion, to overcome pain, is time. The studies show that memories attached to feelings take years, even decades to forget. So what you have to do is, yake all the happy memories you have with her, and store them in a pretty box up there in your brain, they aren't going away for a while, so you decide if you want them to be happy memories or sad memories. Me, for example, whenever i remember something about her, or something reminds me of her I just smile, and I don't feel sadness anymore, just the joy that it happened and that it was beautiful.
• Anger: This is a really common thing. You don't understand why she did that, and you start to rage against her, thinking that she made a mistake, that she doesn't deserve to be happy because you aren't happy. Luckily, if it was a happy relationship, that i think it was, this feelings won't last long, because you'll know that she never meant to hurt you.
• Sadness: Now, this is the most dangerous one, because it's the on that drags you down the hole if you don't react well to it. Sadness is not like pain, because you don't really feel it, it's just that you start noticing that everything around you starts turning grey, and nothing excites you anymore, and if you don't realize soon enough, it will drag you down to depression, and we don't want that - anxiety and panic attacks are a b*tch. The best way to go through sadness is opening up, not to me, or anyone on this community, to someone face to face, over a coffe or McDonald's, it can be your parents, your brother, a friend or even a trusted adult - that's what i did, i will get into that lately - but you have to get it off of your chest, because - as i said - anxiety is a b*itch and it will haunt you and hit you in the worst moments possible. Also, i say this everytime, don't be afraid to ask for help, you don't seem desperate or weak, in fact you seem strong for having the courage to say it out loud!

Once you overcome all of those phases, sadness is the one that lasts the most you will be - not 100%, but enough to keep her out of your head - over her.
Also, something that scares a lot of people is to stop talking to those people, and its okay to be scared, but it's gonna happen. You had your time with her, but there was a traumatic event there - at least for you - and things will never be the same again. I kept talking until recently with my ex, and her responses weren't dry neither were mine but we kept responding late one to each other, at first it was some hours, then a day, weeks, it was really destructive, so one day I decided that it was over, i wasn't gonna put myself through that again. It is really scary, because you know that they're a great person and you want to keep them around, but sometimes you can't, and that's okay, some people have to go for us to be who we're meant to be.

I've only recently started going to the gym and all that, so i can't really help you here. But what i will say is, you don't have to worry about your weight, some people, like my brother, have fast metabolisms, so they consume calories faster than most people, but i've seen my brother eat always the same quantity of food, whatever my mom makes, and he's pretty buff tbh. As i said, i don't know too much on this topic, but i can tell you that years ago i was fat, and i didnt give a single f*ck about what other people said. But that's me, and everyone is different.

It's surprising how alike it seems we are. When i was your age - as I said before i suppose you are 13-16 years old - i did the same, i never studied, always just paid attention in class, read my notes and that was it. School may seem overwhelming because there's nothing that excites you, well you've got to search within yourself what is something that you like learning about or something you want to become in the furute, and then you'll have a reason why go to class, to learn about that or to prepare for that thing that you want to become in the future. There's also another thing that is really important, not just in school but in life in general, and that is discipline. Now, i know that you're still young, but its a great time to start working on your discipline. Discipline, as you may know, is doing what you have to do when you have to do it, even if its the last thing that you want to do. I'm not gonna elaborate too much, but i got some tips that some friends that i have on the military gave me, just hit me up if you want them.

Now, friends. Oh man, thats a delicate topic, because my friend groups have changed a lot during the last years. My take on friends is that, someday, you and some other dude/girl/s are gonna click and realize that you guys have a lot more in common than you think, and that's how i make friends. However, if you don't talk or do anything social, you're never gonna find any friends. In fact, the friend group im in right now, formed because i decided to speak in an optional asignment in class, said that i wanted to join the military and there was another dude that wanted to do the same and we just started talking, and we hangout almost every single day now. Friendships are something really complicated to study, because most of the time they're really spontaneous. Just be yourself, and there's some people that will want to be your friends, but remember you have to be social.

There's this thing that a lot of people say, it goes soemthing like "People who sui*ide are cowards,because they take the easy way out", those people don't know how hard giving up actually is. Things in life are always gonna pressure you, because life is hard, but you gotta overcome it man. Next time you are there, on the edge of giving up, i want you to think how it feels laying down on the grass, or how it feels going swimming in the sea, or how summer feels. There's so many beautiful things in life that are waiting for you to go and discover them, feel them, so many summers to experience, so many different flavours to taste, so many sunsets to watch and sunrises to feel, so many experiences that you will miss. And if you don't think that's enough, just think that tomorrow will be better, and keep saying that to yourself because it will be, eventually. And if any of that doesn't feel enough, do it for me man, do it for the random spanish man that is writing in a biking game forum, just do it for me.

Evrything will be alright, just keep on going, today, tomorrow, the next day... and you'll start to feel better, i promise.
As always, you can hit me up whenever, my discord is sergioldtg, and i'm always - almost - available.

 

Thank you so much for this message. It is good to see and get an opinion from somebody who has been in the same situation as me.
I am 15 turning 16 in exactly a month as you said you assumed I am between 13-16.
I wrote a whole response to your message but it got deleted, I will write another one in parts like you did but more brief.

Sorry to hear about that, it must have hurt a bunch! I actually did start to ref basketball since my injury as a way to get some money and connect back with the sport and the community. I know that I am strong enough to get back from my injury but I have struggled more mentally since I have been without the sport. I still love the sport and I am being patient, doing the exercises my physio has given me. I am nearing the end of my recovery and I can't wait to get back.

She one day decided that she wanted a break and a couple of days later she ended things with me for no real reason. After we broke up, there was still a period that we were hanging out and doing stuff that we were doing while we together (kissing etc). She knew that was what I wanted and she was giving it to me because she wanted to make it easier on me. It turns out it just made it more confusing and I decided that it wasn't what I wanted. We catch the same bus to and from school and sit with each other until I stopped messaging her at the and of the school holidays and we haven't talked much in person since. Obviously cutting her off is hard since I don't know how to live without talking to her. I also get reminded every time I see her but as you said, it will become a memory. I just feel annoyed because of the thought that I tried to help her, she knows she needs to change but she doesn't want to do anything (in terms of her health). I also feel pissed when I see her talking to dudes that I specifically asked her not to talk to when we were together. I do feel all three of the emotions that you talked about, the stabbing pain, the rage and the grey sadness. I think that I have felt hopeless just because of everything that has happened. I feel like giving up, I say I want to end my life but I know I have to live and I won't ever kill myself. I think I just feel overwhelmed like I want to sleep and pause this life. I think that I will just need to wait things out, eventually time will do it's magic and we will drift apart. I do talk to my dad about it and I can't tell him everything but it still helps.

I do have friends but only a few close ones that I actually hang out with. I don't really see the point of going into a friend group because there aren't really any that suit me and I am happy with the couple of friends that I have. Sometimes they aren't at school so I have to hang out with guys that I don't really know that well or by myself. To an outsider I would seem like the kind of person that has a lot of friends but I don't. I just have a lot of people that I know and only a few that I am really friends with. I will try to be open to making new friends and expanding on the people I know.

I don't think I have ever seriously tried to commit suicide but every time I feel like it, I feel like I am in third person. I also believe that killing myself isn't a good solution because ther is so much to live for like you said. I just get hopeless sometimes yk and I loose sight. It will eventually be over and I think that I will get better. I had a teacher last year who always used to talk to me about these things and say that nothing ever lasts, the good and the bad. If you are. ever having a hard time, look forward to the future because it will be over soon and there is a good time waiting for you.

It is crazy how much we can connect with people on the internet and I am grateful for this experience. Once again, thank you for your message, it really motivated me