Zycerak Thread

After posting my last update, I decided that I do not like it. I feel the need to delete it, to comfort myself. However, in real life, I can not simply "delete" or take back the words I say. I need to learn to live with failure, and accept that I can't be perfect all of the time. I must learn to speak with conviction. But I am man enough to admit when I was wrong. I was wrong in posting my last post because it wasn't funny enough. I'm sorry to everyone who thought my post was cringe. I'm sorry to everyone who thought my post was mid. I'm sorry to everyone who ever IShowSpeed dicksucking gif reacted me on Discord. I am man enough to apologize. I am man enough to recognize when I deserve to face the music. I deserve to be punished.

 

bruh why is this the first thing i see

 

10 likes and I'll video myself eating cheesecake

 

what is your favorite tolkien story

 

10 likes reached

 

already done the video

 

where is it?

 

ZYCERAK UPDATE:

Whycerak update
I know you’re highcerak update
Put down that zyCîroc update
You know that's unwiserak update
I don't want you to diecerak update
I don't want to say byecerak update
I know you're a good guycerak update
And you're pretty flycerak update
And I don't mean to prycerak update
But why do you crycerak update
Cut yourself some zycerslack update
Life isn't so zycerblack update
You know I've got your zycerback update
We're a zycerpack update
I'll help you get back on zycertrack update
And find the joy in life you zycerlack update
So wipe the tears from your eyeserak update
Until those tear ducts are drycerak update
You'll see if you trycerak update
So lift your chin up to the skycerak update

 

ZYCERAK UPDATE:

Humanity is frickin' CRAP! Everyone is so frickin' stupid man... F*** P*DOS!! F*** NETANYAHU!! F*** R*PISTS AND MURDERERS!!! F*** SEXISTS AND RACISTS!!!

Is it so hard to love?? How much effort does it take to say "Hello neighbour! What a beautiful day it is, I am so thankful to be alive! I hope you are loving your life as much as me! Even though we may have our differences and disagreements, I just want you to be happy and free of suffering!" I wish Israel and MAGA Racists would take a page from "Imagine" by John Lennon.

 

zycerak

 

ZYCERAK UPDATE:

Feeling inspired, but in a bad way. Feeling pressure, but I don't really know why. It's like when I go to sleep, I sleepwalk, and in my sleepwalk I kill a lot of puppies, and when I wake up, I feel the guilt even though I have no memory and no evidence of killing puppies. I spend a lot of time looking for evidence but then I start to feel like I'm paranoid and conspiring and start inventing things to justify the feeling and justify feeling down on myself. I can not, will not let myself rest, I know I am guilty of something and I need to repent somehow

I am starting to see how much I struggle existing in the present, always have, and it is a hard habit to break because I don't really know anything else. I like to fantasize a lot about how I might feel in the future. I tell myself that whatever it is I am doing in the present will lead to a bad future, and everything I am not doing will lead to a good future. It feels like I need to control everything but it feels like I am never in control, I never trust the process, I'm trying to find a magical process I can trust that will bring me infinite joy and wisdom, but the results of any process are impossible to predict and control. I can only make the decision to do something, and then do it, but it is so hard to do anything when my head is not in the present moment, I do not allow myself to be immersed, I let fear and doubt control me, or other times I just get bored. I no longer have the attention span for Instagram Reels or X (formerly known as Twitter).

Extremely high levels of joy and fulfillment is what I expect of myself, and when I assess my feelings, it feels like I am really far away, which in turn leads to more internalized pressure and more fear. My baseline is so far skewed upward I am forever beneath it. I do not feel good when good things happen to me. If I won the lottery tomorrow, at most, I would feel relieved, I would think "It finally came, I was waiting so long. I can start living my life a little more now." I don't think I'm aware that I probably won't win the lottery, especially considering I have never bought a lottery ticket and have no intention to. I still expect myself to win the lottery yet I won't take the first step to buy a ticket. It will come to me, eventually. Everything does, everything will continue to be fed to me on a Golden Spoon, because the universe favours me. That makes me scared of the universe, I am constantly letting the universe down, I'm sorry I haven't won the lottery yet universe, please forgive me. I have always had a fear of authority, I have always been desperate to please authority, because validation from authority may be the most important thing in the universe.

I have forgotten what it is like to live for myself, and in turn, have forgotten who I am, to an extent. I find pieces of myself through intuition and subconscious processes. In all of my dreams I act far differently, but it feels more like me than the version that's awake, it feels authentic and true in my dreams, but I wonder what causes that rift and how I can get rid of it. Ok, I will admit, I kind of know what and how, but I am much too afraid to plunge in. Sometimes it feels like I need to do something dramatic to break free from the expectations I slave for. I need to ruin my reputation so bad that the only way is up. Maybe one day in class I should strip naked and start attacking people, that would be so freaking wild.

I am saying all of this because I am putting off doing work for the same reasons I have just discussed. I like to tell myself that writing is productive, which it probably is, but looking at my writings across the years, it feels like nothing ever changes, I probably posted this exact post word for word 4 years ago. I quit flowers again and I'm on day 4 I think, it feels a lot like the other times I have tried to quit so far. It is really easy to fall into habits and never change. I can tell myself it is going to be different this time but I know it is meaningless. I know I should live moment to moment, and make the same decision not to smoke flowers at every moment, and not let my old brain take control, my old primal brain. I am a rat in the rat utopia experiment, I feel like a rat often. How do I plan accordingly to ensure things will actually be different this time? How do I use my new brain to rewire and control reward pathway of my old brain? Meditation, think less. I need to remind myself to think less consciously. Even though my intrusive thoughts feel logical and justified and purposeful, they are intrusive, and should be treated as such, and should be given no attention.

"I do not know where this project is heading and I am afraid I'm wasting of time. If I do something else I will feel more enjoyment" Correction: If the alternative is doing nothing, you have never felt more enjoyment by doing nothing, you will be wasting more time by doing nothing. Clear your head and then proceed

"I am bored of working on this, I want to do something more stimulating." Correction: Boredom Is healthy. In the longterm, this will make everything more stimulating because you will learn patience and discipline, and the smaller things will become more rewarding. Meditate, clear your mind, and then proceed

"flowers is awesome, I want to smoke flowers. Life is too short, so I should spend it all smoking flowers." Correction: There will be plenty of time to be numb when you're dead. No pain no gain. Things that are hard should be accepted and sought out. Meditate, clear your mind, and then find something productive to do

"I have wasted so much time today. It is 5pm and all I have done is look at Instagram Reels. I have so many things due and it feels impossible to complete them in the time I have left. I am stressed and want to do something mind-numbing so I don't feel stressed." Correction: That will lead to more stress in the future. Stressing will only waste your time further. The time is gone forever and is irrelevant now, so there is no reason to stress and dwell, you still have the present moment to make decisions, and the present moment will never go away. Meditate, clear your mind, and find something productive to do

I am going to post, probably browse Twitter (formerly known as X) for a while (hit tweet, I must savour the external validation), I might play some Rush Royale (just got to Division 2 and got a new legendary card, and there's probably some free daily chests waiting), and after that, I am going to meditate enough to clear my head, and then I am going to do design work for 1 hour. Even though my intention was to come here and make art, I am not sure what to do, so it won't hurt to do design work for an hour to get the ball rolling, and I have to do it anyways. Tomorrow will come reliably, tomorrow is an opportunity to not wait until 5pm to start working, but if I do I should not feel discouraged, because tomorrow will come today, and with a new today comes a new tomorrow.

(Edit: going to the washroom is one of the best ways to meditate. Sometimes I go when I don't need to and just sit in a stall with my pants down so I get the full immersion and so it doesn't feel unnatural. It's like all of life gets put on pause when I enter a stall, my obligations disappear. It's one of the only places where I can relax. I honestly can't think of another place that relaxes/refreshes me more than a bathroom.)

 

if anything, if youre comfortable with it, sometimes the best way to deal with something easier is to express it through media. For me its releasing my mixtape "Nightscapes" revealing my past with suicidal thoughts. Sometimes it's better to show, not tell.

P.S. it's okay to keep things like this as personal as possible, it depends of the gravity of your situation

 

*uou’re

 

ZYCERAK UPDATE:

A couple months ago, my father found me in the washroom blacked out on the floor with my butt out and vomit in the sink. Little did I know, this would be the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.

Three weeks later, I learnt from my mistakes and instead I locked the door, threw up only in the toilet, and kept my pants up. But I forgot to drink enough water, suffering the second-worst hangover I've had the next day.

I find poetry in puking in the toilet. I picture someone laying on their side, legs out with one slightly bent. They're supported by crossed arms over the toilet seat, creating a sensual C-curve with their body. Their head is tucked down in the middle, only part of the back of their head visible as they look down at the water. It's something I want to paint

What I learnt about my experience is that Wellbutrin and alcohol do not mix, because I knew I was not drinking more than normal. Last night at the function, I only drank PBR's, and I was one of the least joshed. For once I wasn't the one sleeping on the washroom floor. I was coherent enough to beat my friends at Smash Bros. I even beat Ike using Duck Hunt. Wellbutrin has put me off alcohol, and aided my cessation of THC concentrate. For now I call it a friend

I find poetry in the bathroom floor, for reasons I don't feel like explaining. Have I explained it before? I could write a book about it

I find poetry in washrooms, especially public washroom stalls. Have I mentioned this before? It's something I can write a book about. It's an oasis amidst a chaotic society. When that door is closed, all expectations, all pressures vanish. I am there for poop and nothing else, not work, not social interaction, neither play nor practice, just poop. I feel I can stay in there forever sometimes. I long overstay my welcome, but no one would know, no one stays long enough to track it, and regardless I am completely anonymous behind that door. I feel safe, I find it hard to leave, I find it more of a home than home.

I am forgiven too quickly. Sometimes its best to be beaten with sticks or other hard objects


INTERMISSION


Now to continue with the post,


Recently I'm realizing I do not want to befriend most of the people I meet. Social pressures make me feel like it is valuable to have as many friends as possible, so I always feel ashamed when I do not take opportunities to deepen the friendship I have with my peers. But then I remembered that most people are fake asf, and I would have to be fake asf around them too.

You know what else is fake asf? The business world. Now halfway through my second year of business courses, I learnt that business is the art of lying. Lying or embellishing, both the same to me. Just the other day, my professor brought one of his buddies who is supposed to be this expert professional entrepreneur, and he said he fell for a scam ring product because their influencer marketing was so good. He said it like it was a good thing for the company who sold it to him. I was just like... erm... what the deuce?

My professor was actually in the fancy wine business, and his whole job was upselling cheap wine for rich and careless consumers. Because expensive wine tastes better solely because it costs more. It's the placebo effect, which I always thought was a silly thing, until I grew up, and learnt in my psychology class that a strong placebo can actually change the chemicals in your brain to the extent where its effects become real and measurable, so its not even a placebo anymore. Maybe that's not a bad thing in many cases, but business people use it to their advantage to shill cheap bummy products to sheeple.

It is these whole "sell me this pen" philosophy, where the product never matters, its only how its described. Sheeple need to wake up. Never buy the pen for a premium. All we need is basic necessities (food, air, water, shelter). Anything else that does not support these basic necessities is useless. Wanting is mass hysteria that infects us all. Wanting is a curse. We need fulfillment and we need to be occupied, to be entertained, but material goods are not the only way, spending money is not the only way, big houses and fancy cars are not the way. Wanting leads to more wanting. Once you get that big house, you'll want a bigger house. Fancier cars. Rarer funko pops. You will keep chasing the dragon, trying to find fulfilment in these material goods, and it will never come, and you will wonder why, and think the solution is buying the next best thing, the next best lie a business man shills.

Sheeple are the problem. But there are so many wolves in sheep's clothing guiding them to their dinner tables so they can feast. They can go slow, eat the sheeple bite by bite, and the sheeple will not scream or run away or even know they are about to die soon.

But these wolves are sheep too. Sheep in wolves in sheep's clothing. They have just enough know-how and lack just enough empathy to betray their fellow sheep. They eat fellow sheep's flesh and convince themselves its good. They market fellow sheep's flesh to each other, it's the placebo that makes them keep wanting it. They want the same things. They fall into the same traps. They're victims too, but what's worse is that they're victims of their own betrayal. I've thought about using my redpill, alpha wolf sensibilities to prey upon others as well, but I remembered the trap, the illusion of wolfhood, the illusion of fulfilment. I saw the goals in the distance but realized they were just a mirage. Some fake wolves see it, but most seem to continue chasing after it, feeling its nearer but not realizing it never gets any closer.

It's why we see lots of bitter old people. It's why we see people with nothing smile more than people with everything. On deathbeds, no one ever regrets not being a billionaire, not having the fanciest car, not the biggest house, not the most funko pops. They've conducted interviews, and the most common regret by a sweeping margin was a lack of meaningful social connections. People regret not spending more time with family and friends, regret not strengthening their relationships, regret working too much, etc. This should come as no surprise, I feel like everyone knows this, yet no one acts upon it, they just get swept back up into the delusions, or mass hysteria, mind plague, whatever.

It's why lab rats start eating each other when everything is provided for them (Calhoun's Behavioural Sink). We're rats in sheep's clothing; we're rats in sheep in wolves in sheep's clothing. We've been eating each other alive spiritually, killing each other spiritually. We're committing spiritual genocide against ourselves. It's why we see husks roam the Earth. It's the people trying to get on top of others, trying to be the first to feast. Nothing will ever change because we won't let it, there's no reason to be the first to concede, it's kill or be killed. It's crabs in a bucket. We're crabs, rats, sheep, whatever, we're animals, we're no better than animals, we're no smarter than animals, we die the same as animals, we die the same as animals, we are surviving better, but we die the same as animals, the only difference is our suffering is mostly self-inflicted. We have what it takes to be better than animals, we have better brains, we have the foundations of an organized society, we have the resources and know-how to ensure everyone can survive comfortably. There is a lot of good and good people out there, but not nearly enough to make large sweeping changes

 

type shi

 

shi

 

im not old enough to really talk about hangovers but all of this is probably the most transparent statement made by you, massive respect, type