Pour Your Heart Out

I love you

 

"Dear _____,
I wanted to share some thoughts I've been holding onto, refelcting how I've been feeling lately. The past few months have been difficult, and I've been trying to process emotions that come up day to day, but that i don't always mange to express.
It's painful to remember feeling valued in a relationship, only for it to end and leave me with an emptiness I don't know how to fill. Some nights, loneliness and sadness weigh heavily, and I fear I'll eventually break down in ways I can't control. While sometimes I feel like disappearing, It's more a desire to escape this state of mind, to step away from feeling trapped in this cycle."

That, is a snippet of a letter i wrote to a friend of my father, who is a therapist. I wrote it back in 2024, and never sent it. I was scared. Scared of my feelings, scared of others seeing me as weak, scared of people caring about me. Sometimes we, as men, don't talk about our feelings, because it is seen as weak, but it actually isn't. One of my friends told me the other day that his relationship with his gf started improving the second he started talking about it with us, or other people, because he could get a second opinion, or a new point of view. It's important we talk about our feelings because we can't just hold them in forever, that sh*t piles up, and it will eventually explode.

I really get what you say when you talk about dissasociation, because it also happens to me. Especially when uni starts. Days just go by without me even noticing, thats why i hate routine. Sometimes i feel like im living life in third person, like if im seeing myself from the top of my head. When we are feeling a lot of things, or something very hard to process, such as people we care about leaving us, its common to just stop feeling things, curl up into a ball and protect ourselves from the outside world, i do it too. You have to break that, and feel things, get hurt, heal, and move on. You also gotta accept that life keeps moving, and its not gonna wait for us. It's also important to not distract oursleves from what is hurting us, as you said with physical problems. We gotta acknowledge what it is and work to heal from it.

I love the quote that says "Man is by nature a social animal" that Aristotle said. You are gonna make friends, and you are gonna lose them too, that's life. I was talking to my best friend last week, and he asked me about my last relationship, i told him, and then he asked me if I missed her, I told him that whenever i remembered her, or i saw any of her stories, I just remembered that time as one of the happiest times in my life. It's important to remember people by the good things they did to us, and how happy they made us feel and not as people that left us, or hurt us. It's important, because if we just remembered people as those who hurt us, we would hate half of the population of the earth. So, whenever you remember any of your old friends, even if they cut all contact, remember them as a happy time in your life, and by the fun things you did together. That's the best way to do it.

The fact that you stay loving, even after what life has done to hurt you, really shows your strength. It's really hard to forgive and to love, it's the hardest thing to do. But please, do me a favor and never stop loving. That may save you one day, because people do notice, let me tell you, and life will eventually pay you back. Also, the world is really in need of some love, because this world is full of hatred, and finding love is really hard, so please never stop loving.

I'm just gonna repeat it, you are a really strong person, who has gone through a lot, but you shouldn't be going through all of this alone, find someone to open up, please, don't let it pile up, i know how that feels. You are an amazing person, and life treats you like sh*t, and you deserve all the love and happiness that comes your way, and more. You deserve to be happy. I love you.

 

i love you too

 

I really like the mindset of continuing to love even at your lowest points. I myself am extremely lucky to have moved away from a manipulative and emotionally-abusive father, and to have left that part of my life as a much better person than I felt like I was on track to become while living with him. And one of the most important lessons I've learned from that was basically what you were saying about finding love for others. Whenever I'm having a bad day or week especially, I put in so much more effort to make sure I'm expressing gratitude and love for others, because I know how easy it can be to destroy your own relationships when you're acting out of frustration, and I know that when you start to do that, it just makes your own situation even worse and creates a really negative cycle. The fact that you're already acknowledging that tells me that things will definitely improve for you over time. Because at a certain point of negativity, the only thing that can make a situation feel worse is your own actions. If you can avoid harming yourself, it will absolutely improve eventually.

 

“The trick is to not look back. Turn around, even for a glimpse, and you’ll trip. Next thing you know, you’re on the ground with a bleeding knee. And like a child, you want to go back home.”

 

So I recently started my new job. I previously worked for a business that was poorly managed. Everyday I got yelled at no matter what. I got called names and sometimes shoved out the way. I was forced to do stuff that could get me hurt. It affected me a lot on how I treat people and gave me nightmares and made me bite my nails so much I had half a nail. I also always had stomachaches because I used to yell at the top of my lungs because it's either hit them or yell. They thought they were the only people I had for work hell to the no. I quit 2 months ago and got this job a week after the 2 months. I get benefits and I'm not treated like trash and everyone here is nice to me so AMEN to that.

I didn't think I would find a new job so when I quit my previous job I felt like I messed up. My aunt and uncle said they aren't mad but I knew they were. I went to a place that helps you get a job and they were helping but then they just ignored my calls and emails. Most people don't care about people looking for jobs because they don't know us or we aren't related and they don't care because they get paid either way and nothing can happen to them. They think they are better when they are just stupid. I know not everyone is like that but all the people who "helped" me were like that so I went to a place one of the people told me about they are hiring since they won't respond and I got that job the next week but had to wait for my background check because it's on an army base. But the job is fun and easy and there's no nonsense.

 

who's to say judgment day is on the day we die? judgement day is everyday. theres not a thing that goes by without judgment, whether that be from some sort of god or christ like figure or simply another person. i fear judgement day, i fear judgment. it doesn't make sense. i hear people talking when theres no one there. i'm all alone and i hear murmurs. i cant understand them, but i get a sense of dread. fear of the unknown is common. but its more than that which makes it all the more scary. judgment from strangers or figments of my imagination is one thing. ill forget about it and become blissfully braindead towards those emotions. i've never been close to another person and for good reason, i've dug myself into a hole where i'm so desperately grasping for human interaction after being a shut in my whole life. i've let the emotions get the better of me. that used to be ok when i was all alone. but now i have the heaviest burden of all. friendship. how to deal with fear of judgment in a friendship? i'm not quite sure as this is my first friend so i have no trial and error first hand experience. my head hurts. angels are so beautiful to me, i cant explain it! angels don't fear judgment as they are already perfect. that seems like its truly amazing to have. i will never reach such standards though no matter how badly i want to

 

Hey — thank you for telling this. I can’t imagine how heavy and lonely that must feel, and I’m really glad you trusted us enough to say it. What you described — the fear of judgment, the murmurs, feeling like you’re being watched or judged all the time — sounds terrifying, and I’m sorry you’re carrying that. I believe you, and I want to be here for you.

I want to try to explain a few things that might help make sense of some of what you’re feeling, but first: you are not broken for feeling any of this. Lots of people hear things or feel judged and it doesn’t make them “less” in any way. Those experiences are real because they are real to you, and they deserve to be treated with care.

Sometimes when people are very anxious or very alone for a long time, the mind can create sounds, sensations, or a sense of voices — especially when we’re tired, stressed, or overwhelmed, it has also happened to me before. That doesn’t make the experience any less scary, but it can be one way to understand why it’s happening.

Fear of judgment is extremely common. Our brains are wired to care what others think because, for a long time, social connection kept us safe. When connection has been limited, that fear can become louder and feel constant.

The images of angels and perfection you mentioned — that longing for something pure and unjudging — make sense. It shows how much you want comfort and safety. Perfection isn’t the only way to be worthy; humans are allowed to be messy and still loved. By the way, that was beautiful, really poetic.

You are not alone. You have people, and people care about you.

I don’t judge you for this. We want to support you however we can.

These experiences can get better with the right support and practical steps. There is hope.

Just two things more in gonna say, first of all is seek professional help, seriously, no one will judge you for it, and second, your friend cares about you and values your friendship, he's not gonna judge you, use him as support.

 

Time to dump

I am sleep deprived. It's true. I feel it all the time, but the problem is that I can't fall asleep. More like I don't want to. It's so hard sitting alone with my thoughts, because then my mind starts running and it's so hard to make it stop. It just goes on and on, remembering me of what and who I lost, and how my life would be some much better if I hadn't done that or if I did do that other thing.

Souls are so imperfect and I love that so much. Your soul spends all your life searching for the thing that makes it complete, whether that may be a person, God or any other thing.

I am honestly really afraid of human connections, because I don't know how to manage them. I've said this before, but if you show me any kind of affection towards me, my mind starts going off, and if I feel any sort of distance between us I will immediately blame myself for it, and probably punish myself in some way. This same exact thing happened to me in August. One of my girl friends, (I've known her since I was probably 5, we have met plenty of times, we don't really talk that much, nothing ever happened between us, I've never even thought about it) answered one of my Instagram stories, and we talked for a few days constantly, instant replies, and then the conversation died. And then I started blaming myself, rethinking everything I had said, retracting every word, every reply, wondering where it went wrong, when the goddamn conversation died down normally because we just ran out of things to say and that's it! No one said anything wrong or anything, it just ended! But my overthinking-ass had to ******* ruin my mood for three days, until I posted another story and she liked it, and the 7 other ones after it.

I am 100% not ready for a relationship. ****, if I don't know how to manage my own emotions, how am I gonna be able to manage another person's emotions. Honestly that's what I do constantly, worry about others and never myself.

I am so tired. It's just insane. It's a general tiredness, everything in my body is exhausted. My muscles, my brain, my heart, everything. I just wish that for once my brain could stop, and live life on autopilot. I just don't want to be here. At least for a while. I want to rest. Mentally mostly.

I really really wish that you're happy. Wherever you are. Well I know where you are because I watch your stories. I think about us very rarely these days. Maybe once or twice a month. If there's a multiverse, I really hope that there's one where us worked out. I've never been the same, you know? I've said this before, but you actually left me really scarred. It's been over two years and that phrase still bothers me. The one you said right before you left. I saw you changed your profile picture. It's funny because you sent that picture to me first years ago. Why did you like my story? You made me think of us, and that ******* hurts, you know it. I really hope life is treating you right, as you deserve, you went through so much pain. If somehow you feel this message, please pray for me, pray that I get better somehow.

I just want to feel like a kid again, no problems, no wonders, no responsibilities. Years later is it that I've realized how badly people treated me back then. I'm so thankful for how much I've matured, but I'm sad I couldn't live my teenage years happier, I'm almost 20 now. It's surreal.

I don't even know if I'll make it to 20.

I love you and I always will.

Call 988 if you're ever thinking of hurting yourself in any way or if you know of anyone who is.

 

when one of my best friends died i'd have struggle falling asleep as well, while i dont think are cases are the same i believe theyre at least similar. at that time is was when i really found christ, one thing that helped me fall asleep those nights was just praying, praying for forgiveness and well being not just my own but everyone i knew and didnt know. i used to be on a lot of substances too and while finding god helped with a lot of it i still do get temptations from time to time and i do sometimes give into them. what i mean to say is that we're not perfect but thats ok. i love you stlg, and everyone else in this game and everywhere else. yall are amazing

 

Life update.

Had emergency surgery for something that happens in 1/4000 young men. The people in the Discord know what happened. I basically can't run or do vigorous exercise for almost 2 months, which will completely ruin my fitness and make my months of athletics training useless.

Because of this setback, I don't feel like applying for any more jobs at the moment; it's honestly kind of hard to get a job in Australia with no experience when you're in your late teens. They either give the jobs to younger people, which means they get paid less, or they hire more experienced people. I don't know if I'm picky or if I hardly know anyone who can help me get a job through good word. There is a small chance I will get a job where my aunt used to work years ago, but it's unlikely. I feel like I am in the middle ground where I know I can do better than most people my age (I see how these people work, and when I talk to them, they honestly sound like they don't take their job seriously), yet I lack any serious credentials. I've only really worked with my dad in the family concreting business. I didn't want to work at McDonald's when I was 16.

Slowly driving more to get my license, but after my surgery, I just don't feel motivated to ask my dad or my sister to take me out atm. I don't need to drive anywhere really, I just take the bus to uni and make my own way to other places. It isn't uncommon not to have your license at 19, but I am in a friend group that loves cars and all have their license. I just seem like the person who is too lazy to drive and isn't as interested in cars (I do like cars, but the first part is probably correct). I am so lazy.

I have found myself slipping into new routines while old ones die. I am on my phone less in the morning but somehow more during the day. Most of the time, it isn't to talk with people, it's to play games or scroll socials. I have vowed to cut off scrolling and try to play less mobile games from now on.

I have become very reliant on music to kind of escape reality or just take my mind off things. It's both a good and bad thing. I do love nature and taking it all in, but blasting music for hours through my AirPods and into my ears isn't good for long-term hearing and short-term connection with the real world. I have a unique ability to connect with anyone, but I lack that initial drive to talk with someone new. I always need a push from someone or other people to initiate conversation before I can become myself; I just don't know how. I haven't made many friends since starting uni this year. I plan to talk to more people next year. I hope everything works out. It turns out I am an ambivert (in between extrovert and introvert), so idk if that's normal.

I still have an incredibly strong group of friends, some of whom I have been friends with for over 15 years. But I want to try making more friends and being more diverse. I am into sports big time, and most of my close friends are not, so maybe I can make new friends who are into sports as well. I just have to have the courage to approach new people and not expect them to approach me first. This is also similar to women; all the boys know that if the girl makes the first move, the success rate is like over 80%. I'm not trying to get a girlfriend atm, but I wouldn't mind mingling with girls more, as most of the friends in my life are boys. I am talking with my friends more during the week instead of keeping to myself, and of course, every Friday at the end of the week, we always go out on an adventure somewhere, which is the highlight of my week, escaping the boredom of home and pending responsibilities.

When I'm at home, I am a hermit. I spend way too long in my room, and sitting down for long periods is messing up my posture and muscle balance. I was working on fixing it with core exercises, but yet again, after my surgery, I can't really do all of that for a while. I have planned to break up my studying better, involving fewer distractions and changing the environment I study in every once in a while, just so I can get work done. Because lately, I have been letting the work pile up for uni and getting it done just before it's due.

Although life is more important than FRHD, the way I spend my time has made it impossible to focus on the Pokémon Card Contest, which I want to do extremely well in. Along with the unnecessary workload from uni, I am putting on myself, my biggest time waster atm is YouTube. I just love watching YouTube videos, ingesting new information and indulging in the things that I love. It's not a good habit and will be extremely hard to get out of.

So ye that's basically it. Feel free to comment if you have advice for me.

 

I've come to terms about the problems with trying to act tough by doing underage drinking. On a school trip no less. (I wont disclose my friends' names unless I absolutely have to)

The entire 12th grade went to a retreat camp called Medeba to spend 3 days and 2 nights there, about 2 weeks ago. It was supposed to be a bonding trip to dissolve cliches and connect all the Grade 12s together before graudation. I remember being with my cabin and my homies, and it was some good s**t, booming like PARTYNEXTDOOR or other rap songs and eating snacks in the night. But two of my friends had preplanned bringing alcohol to the trip in the guise of a gym water bottle (like those Goodlife Fitness ones where you drink protein shakes) and a San Pellegrino bottle. It wasn't regular alcohol, either. It was straight vodka. I remember that s**t smelling like sanitizer, even if you poured a little in a cup and emptied it. The last night of the trip, we started the drinking party. Because I weigh hella light for my age (I'm about 110 pounds), I decided not to drink any yet, only drinking a very diluted mix of vodka with Kool-Aid to get rid of that gasoline a** taste. There were three others who didnt drink as well. Like they had the red cups out and they were doing shots of vodka. Eventually, I wanted to take a sip of vodka and call it off with just one shot, but one of the sober guys stuck it up my mouth, and I spilled the sip I was drinking. In the end, I didn't even drink an eighth of a shot, so I was pretty much sober anyways.

But that's when things got f**ked up.

They drank a lot for their age, I dont care if they were heavier or bigger. They were rolling in shots. One friend did only one shot. Another had 2. Two of my friends had maybe 4 or 5 (including the one who snuck vodka through San Pellegrino), while others were more than 7 shots in. The one my friends call JJ was probably 10 deep, maybe 11, i dont know. The other guy who snuck vodka through his protein shake bottle was drinking an unknown amount of shots on his own my mixing his vodka with water. But given how he behaved that night I'd say he did 15 to 20 of his mixed shots.

A half hour after curfew (11:00 pm) those who drank a lot were starting to get drunk. It was absolutely ridiculous seeing how they were acting. JJ was all tipped and he was spouting random s**t, another friend called Shayan was giggling, and we were like all shirtless and s**t. They recorded a clip of them doing a shot and sent it to their girl friends (and girlfriend/significant other for one of them) in another cabin. I recorded them doing it from the side. It was so comical, it felt like it was straight out a movie. And then past midnight, and things were starting to spiral out of control.

Shayan and JJ were getting really loud, JJ was asking for more drink, followed by EVERYONE'S refusal. I remember the clip I recorded. They were like weeping, sobbing and yelling, with JJ shouting "I'ma drive that one f**king hour to Laurier, and I'ma f**king pick you up and we gonna f**king hit the gym, bro, you hear me??" and they were just sobbing. Shayan was shouting, and he was flicking hos tongue and jumped on beds, and so on. And then one of the sober guys, Denis, started feeling really sick. Said his blood pressure plummeted and he was feeling hazed. So two of my friends, already 5 shots in but still not completely lost in the alcohol, brought him to wake up one of our teachers at like 1 or 2 in the night. That left the sober guys to look after the drunks, who were loud as f**k. Especially when we had all our windows open.

I was told to stay in my bed and sleep. I tried my best, but my friends who were drunk were making it hard to do. Plus, that tiny amount of alcohol I drank made me sweat bullets. Things were already falling apart from the get go: JJ kept getting out of bed even though he was told to, Shayan was giggling and muttering incoherently, and the guy who mixed his own vodka was constantly yapping. At some point, he even had to go piss out the back window of our cabin since we'd get caught by the teachers monitoring the bathroom (the teachers are back on watch because of Denis' condition). All of a sudden JJ started to feel the hangover, and he threw up. It was nasty, like his vomit was kinda red from the food we ate, plus it stank like s**t. The vodka didn't help, nor did his cologne help. At least his head cleared up, but he said his head was spinning like crazy. I remember when one of our friends, Brandon (who brought Denis to the teacher along with the San Pellegrino friend) had to sneak us out one by one to the guys washroom by bolting across the grass field, running through the girls washroom and then to the guys. And back, in nothing but my tank top and pants in single digit weather with frost.

For the rest of the night, the vodka mixer kept yapping, and one of my sober friends (who is also my fellow trumpet player at school in Band) was lashing out at him. It's justifiable since he actually COULD NOT F**KING STOP TALKING. And this kept going on until around 4, when everyone in our cabin is finally back, sans Denis. After the entire drunk ordeal, we slept at 4. Wake up call was at 6:30, so we only crammed about 2 and a half hours of sleep. And those who were really deep in the vodka (i.e. really drunk) had almost no recollection of what happened last night, especially Shayan. JJ still remembers his hangover episode, and the vodka mixer friend remembers him pissing out the window.

Even that late in the night, before 1 am every single cabin knew that our cabin had alcohol, and they knew we were having a drinking party. They knew almost everything. Surprisingly, despite the commotion we were causing that night, not a single teacher was aware of this happening, so we were relieved when we made it out one lucky night with a bunch of teenage drunks.

It was supposed to be a bonding moment, as one of my sober friends turned supervisors told us that night to the mixer friend. It was a surreal experience having to do everything in our will to not get caught with drink, even though most of the cabin was either partially or completely inebriated. It is funny to look back on, but it also serves as a reminder about the risk of doing something that could easily get us caught because we are not in our correct state of mind. Even if the teachers were completely oblivious to this ordeal, I still think it was a close and lucky night with my friends.

I drink occasionally, but it's normally some beer, not a shot of vodka. If I had to tell my friends, I would never try pulling s**t like this again if we can't control our desire to drink more. Drunk people are dumb, and dumb people tend to attract attention and cause trouble. If Brandon, the San Pellegrino friend and the rest of us sober guys hadn't kept our act together and also try to keep the drunk guys under control, we could easily get found out. One walk into our cabin, look at the red cups and take a whiff, and it'd be all over. Or maybe someone was careless and left some out the source of the vodka, even (the Goodlife bottle or the San Pellegrino bottle).

So, I'd never do anything this risky again. I don't care if we drink, but we were far too careless with the vodka, and we underestimated how intoxicating just a few shots could be. Next time, we should do something lighter, although the best and most logical choice would be to not bring any alcohol in the first place.

Thoughts on seniors drinking drop them

 

Im also concerned about the intimate side of teenage couples (trigger warning), or perhaps the foundations of all the couples who were at Medeba.

My friend Brandon was talking in private with his girlfriend on the second day in our cabin. Every time I entered i had to act inconspicuous since girls arent allowed in boys cabins and vice versa. I thought that they were abt to do something completely out of pocket like having s*x but it turned out to be a completely dead serious convo (okay im not sure if they actually just talked or if they really did it but the latter is improbable since me and my cabinmates would know that they have protection with them). There were three times i entered the cabin while they were inside. the first time, they were settling in since i was walking after them. The second time, they were sitting on the single bed thats in the middle back of the cabin (which my mixer friend from the previous post stood on to piss outside the window directly above the bed). His girlfriend looked like she was crying or about to cry, what with her eyes being red. im not an idiot, and I can read a room when it comes to something this basic, so i left quicker. The third time, they were about to leave. His girlfriend (im friends with her) just smiled at me, but it looked a little forced. I have no idea why couples are acting very different from each other.

One couple who started off more recently hit it off even more at Medeba. Theyre now really close, and I can feel that they will probably stick together until God knows when. Another couple took it too far. Rumors spread sort of quickly among some of the guys that a friend of mine who's in the cabin next to mine apparently showered with his girl. Yeah, he did. It was pretty believable, given their seemingly up and down type of relationship. It wasnt the first time they were in situations where they often got close to intimate or they did (once they slept in the same bed after a party with suspected alcohol mixed with the drinks, but it is unknown if the two did anything intimate given that they were inebriated and have no recollection of their time together in bed), and this went even further than the last time.

Honestly i dont get why relationships nowadays have included some sense of depravity in it, where people are saying that engaging in intimacy is a part of deepening your relationship. Ive seen it all, from convos to guys straight clapping their girls when nobody is looking. But is it all really necessary? Is it even right in the first place? When it comes to these matters, im ardent in keeping my Catholic belief that any form of s*xual intimacy should be left as a marital event, not before marriage. Whats the meaning of loving someone truly if you give your first time before you even decide to truly go steady with them beyond graduation, from a more shallow future kind of perspective?

There are so many things that bonded us seniors at Medeba, but i have a feeling that innocence is not part of the bonding anymore. Call me childish or ignorant, but teenagers nowadays are maturing in such unpredictable ways, i am starting to lose my focus on what makes good relationships, be it friends or lovers.

 

drinking is bad for you and it's illegal

 

have a drink but dont go too hard bc who knows what secrets you might tell

 

thoughts on me life-dumping?

 

Go for it! It really helps to shed some weight sometimes, and maybe someone will even give you advice.

 

Yeah, sure, I'll go for it.

This is probably gonna end up being more of some basic information about myself and insecurities, not really major problems, but whatever.

I'm pretty new to the actually active part of this community, so I'll start off with some basic stuff. I live in Massachusetts and am currently in high school. I go to an IB high school, (basically I take college courses in HS) so the schoolwork is a lot. I'm bilingual, and have been learning Chinese for over a decade now, since it's part of my schools curriculum. I consider myself a very physically active person, doing three sports a year(five-six days a week) and a nordic skiing training program over the summer four days a week.

Our school is VERY small, about 500 students, so we've all known each other for a while, although there are problems of their own with a grade of 45 students. I do cross country, nordic skiing, and ultimate frisbee, all of I and have pretty tight knit teams. The school I go to is also basically full of sweats, so I'm pretty much stuck getting straight A's to keep up with everyone(which yk kinda sucks because IB curriculum is hard). I guess I enjoy learning some stuff, but its mostly just a pain if I'm being honest. Since my school is so isolated, the majority of people really don't do drugs, smoke, or consume alcohol(there are of course exceptions, but no one I'm friends with), which is pretty cool. I suppose that also leads to less cool stories, but its alr. The benefits of this are that I have an extremely close group of friends, and I feel can genuinely rely on all of them. Going to such a small school will make it hard and possibly overwhelming to go to college tho, with the sheer volume of people there, and will also probably make it harder to have a large friend network(although I've been told I'm very confident and outgoing, so we'll see ig) . Still, I feel that most parts of my life are going very well. I'm lucky enough to not have any financial trouble in my household, and my parents have been really good to me. I have great friends and even people I don't like I can just avoid. I'm generally happy, aside from a few things.

Right now I really need to focus on breaking out of my lazy streak, but its genuinely hard for me. If I'm not otherwise occupied, I'll spend hours on my phone or computer playing games, watching youtube, or texting with friends(altho texting isn't as bad). I know that I need to focus on making myself a more well rounded person, but I feel like I do have an addiction to screens. I've tried to resolve this by doing things like limiting my phone's screen time, not being on it after 10pm, and restricting my computer, but its been a challenge, and one that I feel like I'm failing.

Another problem I have with myself is my weight. I'm 6'3, 150 pounds, which is pretty dam.n skinny. I really want to get to the 180 range, but no matter how much I eat it just doesn't happen. My eating patterns are all skewed as well. Some days I'll eat 5 meals, some days I'll just have a light snack for the entire day. This has been a constant problem for the last few years, and one I've actively been trying to fix, but am disappointed and disheartened by lack of progress. I would like to start working out more, but with cross country 6 days a week it's hard to find time, and working out more would also bring my weight down. It's pretty much been a constant problem, but I really would likely to be able to fix it in a year or two.

The main thing I think I really need to fix about myself right now is my motivation issues. For at least the past three years, it's been getting increasingly hard to make myself do things. It's gotten to a point where it mentally pains me to do simple tasks like homework, which has resulted in my grades slowly dipping. It's not like I'm depressed, I'm actually really happy in general, I just have no intrinsic or extrinsic factors to make me do something. The only things that work are really niche and do not apply to my day to day life, and never seem to work well enough. It should be simple to do something like make myself breakfast in the morning, but once I start thinking about it, I wonder if I should even do it, if it would be easier to just not. This has also led to other more personal problems that I'm not gonna get into here. In recent months though, I can really see this affecting my day to day life, in how I interact with friends, how I do sports, and how I do schoolwork, and has become an increasingly alarming problem.

Finally, the classic teenage issue of the female gender. My friends are generally male, but I'd say I still have a fair amount of female friends. However, I really would like to make more female friends, but I have a bit of a history of being a chicken in that regard. I'd be happy to get a girlfriend now, but I really don't know how I'd fare in a relationship right now with my motivational issues. I do genuinely want to be friends with more girls, it's just a bit awkward when you've been in the same class since kindergarten and haven't really spoken, then suddenly start talking to them in the middle of class.

Generally, I feel like life is going pretty well for me right now. I realize these things probably aren't even that much of a problem compared to the sh*t a lot of people are going through here, but I just felt like ranting a bit today lol. Hope everyone has a great one.

 

bro i am weirdly simallar to you wtf, i also live in new england (new hampshire) go to a small school im 6'2 155lbs and relate to like 90% of the other things you said lol

 

my twin lmao