Pour Your Heart Out

It sucks that you're having to grow up so soon. I hadn't really considered that this was something that could actually happen, or knew that an issue like this existed. I don't know how it feels, but I can imagine that it might incites a feeling of great loss. I'll pray for you.

You haven't repaid them in the worst way possible. There are much worse things that you could've become. As for your relationship with your father, all it takes is a little something here and there to show your appreciation for him. Just a small act of kindness would show that you're thinking of him, like offering to help move something or dropping your current task to help him look for something. Another way that you may be able to rekindle your relationship could be just making small talk. Like while he's driving you somewhere, if the trip will take some time, you can ask him a question about something that interests him, like a random question about bikes or shows that you guys have watched, or even "Do you remember the LEGO sets/Minecraft houses I used to build?" You could even ask about what he does for work.

As are you.

 

Not rlly going through anything serious rn, I am just worried about how my current friends' view of me are/is changing when they realized I draw furries. they keep being such assholes (whenever they see me drawing, they say "are you drawing FURRIES???" super loud for everyone to hear), and I think ppl are startin' to not like me cuz of that (which is stupid but it is probably true). I have some friends that are chill and dgaf, but I just don't want to become depressed just because I am doing what I enjoy

 

don't give a shït about what haters think just do you

 

valid

 

When they react after seeing you draw furries, you can ask them "Okay, and?" They'll either say something discriminatory or mumble about how it's "kinda weird." If they say something not-so-inclusive, you can politely ask them why it's weird, funny, or whatever. Basically, ask them why it's "weird," "funny," or why they react the way they do when you're drawing something you like. Bottom line, it's just something you're interested in, as simple as someone choosing to draw a bunch of sharks instead of an anglerfish, a zebra, or a slice of a tomato. Or you could skip all of that and just tell them you'd appreciate if they'd stop acting so surprised and stuff whenever you're drawing furries because it's getting annoying.

 

thx for the advice!

 

I strongly wish and believe that the world would be better if not for my presence in some peoples lives.

 

and why do you think that?

 

this probably doesn't help at all, but realistically what even is there about you that has made your existence a negative on people's lives. because there really isn't. and sure, you might think of plenty of stuff. but im sure the people in your life see the good in you. if they would be better without you they would have cut you off already

 

I don’t want to forget the way my grandmas basement felt. I don’t want to forget her back door leading up the dusty steps. I don’t want to forget somersaulting on her beds. I don’t want to forget the basement lights being turned off with just enough sunlight streaming through the windows for it to feel calm and not scary. I don’t want to forget how Easter felt, finding the Hobbit hidden in the bushes right after my dad finished reading it to me. I don’t want to forget playing tennis during the summer. I don’t want to forget buying shoes so I had a pair that fit me to walk around the zoo in. I don’t want to forget my mom driving me to school. I don’t want to forget the way spring days felt when the world felt happy and life more empty. I don’t want to forget the last day of third grade, celebrating that I could go home with my mom. I don’t want to forget my playgrounds. I miss my playgrounds. I don’t want to forget skipping rocks at the retention ponds. I don’t want to forget my friends. I don’t want them to forget me. I don’t want to forget staying up all night, until 11, to catch frogs we didn’t have a hope of grabbing. I don’t want to forget opening the family laptop the first time so that I could watch a movie with my dad. I don’t want to forget my bedroom. I don’t want to forget how I felt after I was made to feel little after being excited, no matter how much it hurts. I don’t want to forget Belle. I don’t want to forget throwing her ball. I don’t want to forget running in the canyon with her. Running in my canyon with my dogs. I don’t want to forget how happy I was to find shells with my dad. I don’t want to forget my dad. I miss my dad. I feel like I lost my dad. I feel like I lost my best friend. My best friend through moving. I feel like I drove a wedge between my relationships. I feel like I lost my dad. I feel like I lost my dad. I feel like I am the one who has caused that harm. I don’t want to forget how many dreams I had. I can’t match any hopes I once had. I am a let down. I am a disappointment to my own self. I have wasted what I was given. I am ungrateful for my opportunities. I am ungrateful to my parents. I make a big deal out of insignificant things. I get too excited. I should not get excited. I trust too many people. I don’t want to forget being told I was too old to play for the first time. I don’t want to forget realizing I was too old for my playgrounds. I miss my playgrounds. I miss my dad. I miss my friends. I miss who I was. I miss who I wanted to be. I miss who I should’ve been

 

Good grief cornball take it to a publisher

ts cringe you should kys

 

I miss my dogs I miss my grandpa I miss my friends I grieve so much of what made up my past it feels like I’m laying myself, the good me and the old me to a complete rest without giving it a proper goodbye. I don’t feel well connected to anyone in my own life anymore and every time I think of it it makes me want

I drive people away with who I am

I have never felt so little in every sense of the word except physical

 

I have never felt so stupid for wanting human connection. I am insignificant and I bring a detrimental value to the relationships I try to build. I am not important. I am not interesting. I am a burden to everyone around me. Some might not see it but it would be better if I never knew most people I’ve ever met. I hurt myself by wanting friends. I hurt myself by expecting those I place on a pedestal to think of me.

 

I can’t reach out to anyone I know because i can only expect disappointment and a worse situation but I dig my own grave by not giving many the chance to help

 

I do not feel hope or happiness or any warmth when thinking about any part of my future. Often times I do not feel sorrow I just feel a sense of bleakness or acceptance towards the fact that I will simply not like my own life or who I am

 

I feel as though I sell or corrupt any of me that was good

 

I am selfish

 

It appears that you are still dealing with some pretty intense nostalgia, and what you describe does sound like a pretty great childhood with great memories. I can see why you don't want to forget any of these things. Maybe you can try to document these experiences, in writing, art, or whatever else you deem fit. Maybe even a Free Rider Track. But by putting these memories down on some form of medium other than your mind, you don't have to constantly recall these things and have them perpetually on your mind, and you can remind yourself of these things when you want to. It's also important to not dwell on the past too much. Perhaps you can try and forge new memories with those people or places, maybe going back to enjoy the canyon or the beach with your family and friends.

I assume you wrote everything in your previous message as a random string of thoughts that came to your mind, and when you posted it, it didn't look as pretty as you thought. As weird as it might look online, it makes sense that it would look that way. When something's stuck in our heads, it's likely the only thing we're thinking of, and I don't cringe from it since it's genuine. That message would be a good poem, to be honest, and I was picturing some sort of sad flashback scene in a movie. I do like the Snoopy reference, though.

You may think that, but your friends still invite you to go out and hike and stuff. Would they be inviting you if you were a detriment to them? Also, this is you needing extra support right now. What's to say that you're not going to help people in the future? In fact, just you being willing to respond to people on this thread means you're already helping people. And there is always the butterfly effect, that you might do something somewhere that seems totally insignificant, but in reality you just changed someone's life. You never know the full effect of your actions. And if you weren't there to say "thank you," shake someone's hand, order a sandwich, or do literally everything else, those people might have turned out differently. Being one out of the 8 billion people in the world doesn't mean that you don't matter, it means that you're part of it.
(I say "order a sandwich" as an impactful decision because you never know, that by ordering that specific sandwich, the chef making it became happy because for once they got to make their favorite meal for a customer.)

You're still early into your life. Right now, it might seem that you'll spend the rest of your life in this constant state of pain, but none of us can see the future. We can predict, but it's important to remember that we're wrong a lot of the time. Your feeling of being destined to live this way the rest of your life is valid, as it can feel like forever when you're going through so much pain. Heck, a minute-long plank can feel like forever because it's such a hard position. I guess your situation could be like a timed run for an unknown amount of time. You've been running for so long and you don't know when it's ever going to end, if it'll end at all. Sometimes you might get your second wind, or third, fourth, fifth wind, and it doesn't feel as bad, but then the wind dies down and you feel even worse than before. But you don't stop, no matter how bad it gets because if you stop, you won't get anywhere.

There's a lot of good about you that you don't seem to realize. While I don't know a lot about you, I do know that you're a very nice and selfless person that is always willing to help. You're definitely a great artist and Free Rider, with a featured track and other really nice tracks/drawings. Now, I don't know about you, but I don't think these things have been sold or corrupted. You're still great person and a great artist. I don't understand why you would think you're selfish and don't have any good in your person.

 

https://open.spotify.com/track/1huwlOdeokQzum8XHFcIpf?si=BIeCx8oOR8uE5_IuGtpg2g

 

i feel like im in a dark pit that i cant get out of climing out only to fall back in i try but i cant