Pour Your Heart Out

yeah but i feel that would be weird

 

love the new pfp creasom

 

wrong thread I thinkering

 

I like how you’re telling men how men talk like what

keep it in the fam ig

 

im killing myself

 

Typed a long post and idk can't formalise it to words so gonna tl;dr

spoke to my sister about the divorce and events that led to me here and she's fully trauma blocked it and that's caused me into being really sad and crying lots.

 

I’m so sorry Eli

 

sorry for the divorce, as a teenager i cant even comprehend how its like to even date someone so i cant really help you except giving condolences

 

as i play this game i'm beginning to realize why i do it. i don't enjoy it at all. i just love the friends I've made here and am becoming obsessed with this thing I don't like. i feel obligated to make tracks and ghost and sh1t because everyone else is and if I don't I'm letting somebody that I look up to down. when I play this game I don't enjoy myself at all. i force myself to make tracks and ghost and interact in the discord sometimes so people will like me but I'm not likeable at all. i try to make people like to interact with me but no one does because I'm annoying and unstable and i try too hard. i don't have motivation for anything anymore besides sitting in my bed doing nothing. please don't like me or care about me if you don't want to. i don't care and if you pretend to like me you're making it worse for everyone.

 

Hey man, i gotta admit, when i first met you, i didn't even know who you were, now, you are one of the best people i ever had the luck of meeting. You aren't a burden for anyone, especially not for me, you don't have to ******* fit in with no one, you are weird guy, because you are, thats you, and you should never let anyone take that away from you. If people think you are weird, fudge them, eventually you will find someone, or some people, that find your vibe, or your personality, cool, you don't have to be liked but everybody, in fact, you dont have to be like by anybody but yourself, if you are happy with who you are, thats enough.

Also, I truly believe that no one gives a **** if you make tracks, or if you ghost tracks or whatever, you don't even have to play the game for us to like you, we like you for you, not for your achievements in game. There's people that don't even play the game that much, and we still love them. If you don't wanna ghost, don't, if you don't wanna draw, don't, both of these things require a high level of precision or creativity, and if you are not motivated to do it, you are not gonna show your true potential.

fudge being liked by people, just be who you are, and that guy is a really really cool person, which is weird yes, you are a bit weird, but so am i, and so is everyone. The moment you stop caring about what will others think, and start caring about what the fudge do you want, that's the moment you will really start enjoying life.

Also, taking a break from this game from time to time is highly recommended, it gets a bit stressful.

I do care for you, and i can assure you that there's other people in this game, or in the server, that care for you too. You are not alone, you have us, you have your family, and you also have your friends. Life is good, its full of color, its just waiting for you to discover the brush and start painting it the way you ******* like it.

 

Not my divorce or my sister's. My parents divorce from 2007 that lead to my mum dating a physical abuser/sexual abuser/paedophile. The toll it has taken on me is permanent

 

fuckk bro

 

So the year isn't good because I might lose my house do to bankruptcy. My uncle still has hospital bills to pay so that's what killed us. I make the most in my family but we are trying to think positive but it's hard when you're so deep in a hole.

 

My one aunt husband actually was just caught cheating on her with a lady from work and they have four kids and what's worse is the oldest was told not to say anything about it. But she found out about it and now she's going through a lot. She was a house mom and her husband said he cheated because she doesn't work yet they made a deal of her to stay home with the kids so he's just trying to make excuses. Just wanted to tell you that because it's cruel to do the to your partner. I wish nothing but the best for your family. I'll be praying man

 

getting a restraining order against a certain someone

 

im happy

 

Why is that, might I ask?

 

I don’t really know who I am or what I want, I just keep going through every day looking for things to make me happy and I can’t find anything fulfilling. I think I look for things that used to make me excited or happy, but a long time ago something changed and I can’t find anything lasting in my life. I stay up way too late trying to find some connection or quick hit of dopamine to distract me, and then I go and do the same thing every day until every day blends together and I can’t distinguish anything genuinely important I’ve done in my life in the past year. I’ve had 4 years since I moved and started highschool to make some sort of lasting relationship with someone, and not a single one I’ve made will be meaningful or last 3 months from now when I graduate.

I feel alone

I try my best to be a good friend and person and I’m just tired of feeling like I’m inconveniencing everyone around me. I’m so tired of me specifically frustrating people and I’m truly sorry that I do. My parents can’t recognize my appreciation or love for them, or at least how deep it is and I don’t know why I can’t express that more, but it hurts me to know that they feel that way and I wish that every time I ever mentioned anything at all they were doing that I found frustrating or upsetting I wouldn’t have because it never really mattered. I feel like I’m mourning the loss of people who are still alive and well for no reason, and especially my father. I don’t feel the same connection I had to him and I don’t know why I can’t express it more but I feel like what I’ve lost isn’t able to come back. And it’s fruitless in mentioning because I should be grateful that I had the relationship with my father when I was younger to miss now but it still hurts and I don’t know where to turn. I try my best to not talk about personal problems to others because it doesn’t change much of anything and just leaves me focusing on things that make me unhappy but I don’t know what else to do.

I haven’t been able to sleep without spending copious amounts of time on social media or other empty sources of distraction and I don’t know why. Every time I let my mind sit it fills with memories I forgot a long time ago of things I used to have and places I used to go that I didn’t want to remember because they just make me feel sad. I don’t like thinking about the past because it just reminds me of how much potential I had that I’ve thrown away for useless things. I was effortlessly happy once and the idea of that makes me either sad or angry or some other relentless tide of feelings that I don’t know how to deal with.

I’ve never really felt anything this way, not to this extent and not in these patterns and it feels self destructive and I just don’t want it to continue

I don’t know where I’m going to go or what I’m going to do but I do know that there was so much I should’ve been, not for my parents but for myself and it kills me. I’ve settled for mediocrity using bad habits as an excuse for my behavior and I don’t see any hopeful future for me to continue on. A large part of me wishes no one knew me or who I was because it would make it a lot easier for me to go away

 

I always say the same thing, but its so true, I can't believe how smilar our lives are with strangers on the internet. And i say this with tears in my eyes, because you really reflected how i felt 2 years ago.

Happiness is a really weird thing, as said by Nathaniel Hawthorne "Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you." As humans, we tend to search for happiness as if it was something we could catch, as if it was something we can create, heavily influenced by modern day consumism, when it is not. In a science based way, happiness is the emotion inflicted by the realease of hormones such as dopamine or serotonin. You may be wondering where I'm going with this. The truth is, we've always tried to measure happiness, even though it is something that cannot truly be measured. You can't say I'm 50% sad, or im 75.275% happy today, either you are sad, or you are not, its absolutes. You can't measure happiness as a handful of achievements, happiness is achieved by the overall of your life, of your current situation. You have to take into account everything thats good in your life, and balance it with the bad things. Yes, you moved out from where you had friends, but it sure was for a better good. You can't live in the past, we can't keep reminiscing about the past days because life moves on, and time doesn't wait for you. If you keep living in the past, you are missing a lot of things that are happening day by day around you that are good. Take all those memories and feelings about the past, and start turning them into happy memories, and store them up in a box up in the head, close that box with tape, and make a little hole that only the happy things can crawl thorugh. Turn those sad memories into good memories, because, after all, those were happy times, not sad times, right? What i want you to do, is relax, take a deep breath and count how many people is there that truly care about you, and you will find out that it's more than you think, and count me in there too . The moment you relax a little, you stop and start admiring life, thats when you will find happiness. Stop, hear the birds chriping, feel the cold snow, feel the cold air whistling through, feel the music you like, feel those beautiul sunsets, feel life, and you will feel alive.

Friends, oh it's so hard to make good friends nowadays. No one knows what caring about another person actually is, everyone only cares about themselves, and they make friendships based on that. It's impossible to make meaningful connections with people, especially when you've had to move from your hometown to another place when you had already made your friends. I was always the lonely kid in highschool, all my friends had other friend groups they hanged out with, and i was always alone, with the occasional invitation to hangout or something. That was until i went to college. It may feel overwhelming, to make a deep connection with someone, but you gotta do it man. You gotta keep trying, because one day you are gonna find people with the same interests as you, and when you do, thats when you will realise that your real friends have been standing there all that time, you just had to try and find them. It took me one full semester in college to find the people i wanted to be with, and now i go out with them, study with them, go to the gym with them, we do whatever, and its not that many people, we are 4 in said friend group. And i know that these 3 friends are gonna go on for a long time once college is over.

About your dad, your parents in general, he knows that you love him deeply. It's just something they know. I asked my dad the other day exactly that, if he knew that i loved him, he said "i know son, we can tell without you having to say it". They know it man, but, its always good to show them love in different ways, such as, being obedient, doing something in the house without them asking, or cooking something they like for dinner. Your parents were the ones that decided to bring you to life, and they will always be there to love you and support you in anything you want to do. Also, your dad is just waiting for you to ask him to do something with him, start going to the gym with him, or running, or start a hobby with him, anything, he's dying for you to do something with him.

Also, feeling lost in life is completely normal, we all feel it at some point, and I'm gonna say something that is also gonna help you with those moments where you say your mind can't stop. Your mind is like a huge wool ball, you have to sit there one day, and start untangling it, which will also help you know yourself, and what you want to do with your life. Sit down and start thinking about what bothers you and makes you feel that way. Maybe it's because you miss your old friends, or maybe it's something else, and once you've realized what is what bothers you go and fix it. And if you can't fix it by yourself, ask for help. Don't be afraid to ask for help, even professional or medical help, you are not crazy you just need help, we all need help sometimes. Life can be too overwhelming, and sometimes we can't deal it all by ourselves, I usually find help in God or in the church, but if you are not a believer or you don't want to go to the chucrch, find someone you trust and tell them how you feel, and if they care about you they will try and give you solutions.

Lastly, i want to thank you for opening up, which is always hard, and i wish you all the best in life. Also, my dms are always open to anyone who needs/wants to talk about anything. Be safe out there! <3

 

fu.ck this sh.itty ass fu.cking weather and my shitty fu.cking natural body temperature i try and go to bed reasonably at 10pm for once to get a nice healthy habits going for my final year of school and it's 19 degrees celsius outside and i still am feeling fu.cking sweltered as sh.it even after spending the whole day inside a fu.cking air conditioned house so I can't fuc.king go to sleep until like 12 and then guess what?? i wake up at fu.cking 5am meaning I either get up now and feel like sh.it the rest of the day or sleep in until like 8 and dont have time to fu.cking do anything to get ready fu.ck you cu.nt. why do I even fu.cking bother trying to develop healthy routines when I still feel like fuc.king shi.t either way nah man im actually so pissed dude. fuc.k australia and fu.ck climate change man