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Been contemplating my desires and trying to understand why my behaviours don’t align. As a child, I’ve always wanted to accomplish something with my life. For a long time I thought it was about the desire for success, fame, and recognition. I realize now those things don’t seem to affect me, because I never think it’s earned, I always think I can do better. I will not be satisfied until I have it all. I can not live with myself until I am on top of the world. I want it all, but I do nothing. These obsessive desires do not drive motivation. They contribute to the opposite, I am prone to giving up quickly, and never trying. I am used to the path of least resistance, I was never forced to try in my life, everything has been handed to me on a silver platter, so I have the delusion that I can accomplish everything by doing nothing still. But I know deep down it’s unreasonable and I am so astronomically far away from achieving my desires, so I embrace my laziness, I shut down completely, I am too scared to even think, and I watch life pass by me. University has been a blur, just like highschool, it’s passing right by me.
But the next stage in life may be the most difficult of all, the job demand in my field is so low and it could be a massive struggle to obtain a stable financial position. But maybe it will be good for me, maybe it will be the fire lit beneath my ass to put myself into gear. I must stay optimistic. Pessimism is a sure way to fail, pessimism is compliance, pessimism is the path of least resistance. As one of my favourite artists “MIKE” puts it: “all this whining be a burden or a sign we flunking”. So true, MIKE. For now, I have to take it day by day. I stopped smoking flowers habitually which is a huge step up, it’s only been 2 or 3 weeks, but I hear the first 21 days are the hardest. I must not relapse.
The hardest challenge I will face will be changing my behaviour, changing my attitude and mindset, thinking positively and forcing confident ideologies makes me physically repulsed sometimes, but as my 8th grade Math and Leadership teacher, also the vice principal, said: “Baby steps”. She said “look at yourself in the mirror and say something positive and write about it”. I wrote something entirely cynical, doubting her philosophy, but the more I thought about the psychology of behaviour, and the more I thought about what my grandmother kept telling me, I think she was write. My grandmother always said “your mind believes whatever you tell it” which is a hard concept for my 7-year-old self to grapple with at the time, but it’s true. We underestimate the influences our environment has on us. Our thoughts foster an environment as well. It’s easy to spiral, to produce an echo chamber of negative confirmation biases which shape our reality.
I have to choose to put myself in situations and environments that foster positive outlooks and a sense of inspiration and intrinsic motivation. Easier said than done, considering I knew this for a few years now, but I always tried to deny it, I always believed that one day I would suddenly wake up completely normal, wake up and decide I will be a productive member of society at any cost, I hated the thought that behavioural change was a slow and effortful job.
My true desire is to have a positive impact on as many people as possible. I still fail to positively impact the people already in my life at a small scale, and I still refuse to do so. My expectations of myself are too large considering all of the things I have not done or worked towards. All of my classmates seem so passionate and motivated and involved in important and relevant topics that it scares me, I don’t talk to them, I don’t make connections, and I can’t make friends with people who take life so seriously. The difference between my desires and behaviours have me constantly feeling pathetic, that I have been wasting all of my time, and it’s been hard to look at myself in the mirror lately, but I know I must meet somewhere in the middle, try to meet somewhere in the middle, lower my expectations while elevating my behaviour. But I can’t seem to manage my expectations, my desires, it’s a feeling so deeply rooted in my mind that it feels like the reason I was put on this earth, and if I don’t accomplish it all, I don’t deserve this life.
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