Pour Your Heart Out

Lol I was trying to figure that one out myself. I get the first part, though it'd be like a wall that wastes a whole lot more time. A hallway with no doors also may as well just be a wall.

 

I have a friend who left on an LDS mission about 6 months ago and I haven’t been able to email him. i haven’t really had friends I could just go hang with since I moved, so when we started being friends and we would go hike on random Tuesdays and go back to his house after it genuinely changed my life. We hung out together all the time, and planned even more hikes. I worry I was not as good a friend as he was to me. We ended up spending almost all of our time together until he left, but the last 3 weeks or so before he left things felt completely off and we didn’t really talk, he didn’t reply and I only saw him once. It came out of the blue, and I worry that I did not mean as much to him as he meant to me, he was pretty much my best friend. I worry about bothering him by emailing, he hasn’t reached out to me. I have a hard time feeling like friends care about me because I have not had any close friends since I moved. I tend to bother people and I do not know how to change that. Sometimes I come across as rude or serious when I am not trying to be, and I don’t want that to he the perception of me. I genuinely try my best to be a good friend and I don’t know how to change that for the better. I have stayed up at night many times thinking about this. Sometimes I try to match the vibe or tone of someone else in a fake argument, or while they are roasting me and I come across as too harsh but if I go quiet it also bothers people because I am acting emo. I have a hard time with talking too much because that’s something I was made fun of a lot for when I moved, I had a hard time matching the social curve. I have a hard time feeling like life is worth feeling up to when I do not have a social life to look forward to, and I feel like I am always ranked low on people’s priorities. I haven’t talked to anyone about this, but I am having a hard time feeling connected with my girlfriend. Maybe it is projection, but I feel as though she has no ambition in life and it kills any momentum I have. I feel like she resents me when I “try to hard” but maybe I am just getting in my head about it. She does not have a job, she is not going to school, she does not have a drivers license, and she is not interested in the hobbies I am interested in. I genuinely love and care for her as a person and where we are at is extremely comfortable but this does not feel sustainable and as time goes on and I don’t hear from her until past noon every day and she does not take care of herself I feel as though I am starting to resent her lifestyle and schedule which seems like it is a very selfish point of view. I have felt very lonely, and I feel as though if I am not filling my schedule up every day I am not doing enough. I spend too much time on my phone. I am worrying that I am self obsessed as I write this. All together I have felt less depressed but I have cried a lot recently, which is not something I am used to. I feel as though I want my parents to be happy and I think I am causing more problems for them than solutions. My siblings frustrate me. I feel as though I want my dad to achieve his dreams and I have been nothing but detrimental. I wish I had a friend to go out and do the things I like to go out and do again. I miss my friend who would hike with me. I don’t feel like anyone is pushing me to be a better person, other than my parents who I do not feel like they like me right now. I am not sure what to do about this.

 

Damn man, that sounds like it really sucks. Unlike you I have quite a few friends and am quite the extrovert, so I don’t know how well my advice would help you. If you feel lonely and need some friends, go do physical hobbies that you really enjoy, you’re likely to find likeminded people who might really get you at places like that. I picked up rock climbing 2 years ago and have met some absolutely amazing people there. Also if you don’t have a job try and get one, that’s also a great way to meet new people, I actually just got back from working an event at my job that ran from 10:00 pm to 2:00 am and before that in the same day I worked from 11:00 am to 5:00 pm, most people might think that sounds like hell, but I had a blast, it felt like a party. Also have you talked to your girlfriend about how you’ve been feeling, that’s one of the most important things in a relationship. Understand each others emotions and it’s a key sign of trust that you feel comfortable and opening up to someone how you feel about them and in my relationship I’ve found trust is the most vital aspect to a healthy relation ship

 

Hiking and climbing are my two most frequented hobbies these days and I don’t have any friends that will come with me consistently. When I am not at school I am either working at a pottery studio or doing yard work. Unfortunately yard work does not get me any coworkers, and the pottery place doesn’t have anyone my age.

 

If you have your friend's email or phone # then you should message them. There's always a possibility that he's feeling a similar way and that's the reason he hasn't reached out to you yet, and someone needs to be the one to break that silence in those scenarios. And for your relationship, I think good communication is the most important thing, so that's definitely something I would try to get her perspective on and open up to her about. If your friend's away, than your girlfriend is probably your closest thing to an active friend rn. Family stuff's a little trickier for me, because I only really had a mother growing up, and I never had many issues with my brothers. But I feel like your parents almost certainly still love you, there's not really much that can break the bond a parent has with their child, even if there are times they don't agree with something you do or your current lifestyle. As a whole, I think that isolating yourself from the people closest to you out of fear that you're inconveniencing them is probably the worst thing to do in the situation, because oftentimes the immediate response from people is to assume you need space for a while and let you, which would just make things seem worse from your POV.

 

i kind of relate with this. my best friend (one of two that i actually hung out with) passed away in 2021, and i haven't been doing basically anything but gym and baseball since. kind of felt like a floater friend for a while, then just stopped hanging out with anyone.

 

in all honesty im starting to become demotivated in creating tracks and ghosting. for reasons serious and trivial.

For the austerity of my rant, im going to university soon, and it's safe to say my marks are good but not where I want them (it's not just bc im asian). Since my attention span is so ass, my grades slip up a lot, so the most i do whenever i am not working is playing chess. lots of it.
I'm also applying for part-time work to fund my post-secondary, since scholarships wont cover everything and i need work experience to improve my resume, which for now has a ton of volunteer experience but not workplace experience.
genuinely my school experience has been quite lonely and reclusive since i had an emotional breakdown and seriously offended my friends back in November that caused a rift between us. although i am back to being a happier person, if you ask me if i was impacted by this incident, there's no hiding how big a blow it was to my already-low self-esteem back then. you know, the BS life throws at you at some point in life.

For the trivial things of my rant, lets just say i play a lot of chess.
I am often busy only bc i procrastinate. If i really tried, this wouldnt be the case. Regardless, that also means i havent really caught up with the things i still like. you can tell from my pfp that i like watching anime (the character in my pfp is Taiki Inomata from Blue Box) and reading manga, and i am so damn behind. Im the type of guy who watches Your Lie in April every April, and I havent really watched much so far. Not to mention other anime ive wanted to watch and manga/manhwa/similar paraphernalia to read but there's too many
my interests shifted heavily towards many things, like Geometry Dash, youtube videos of Geometry Dash, various math concepts and, most importantly, playing and practicing the piano for my RCM ARCT exam in Piano Performance. Im frustrated that I can learn my pieces fast enough (ive only memorized 3 of my 6 pieces, and i only performed 1 of them), since my technique isnt good enough yet. Still, listening to Scriabin, Rachmaninoff and especially Chopin (my goat) really helped me find a different musical persona i can tune into aside from anything remotely related to japanese music, or listening to rap and RnB.

im literally becoming an adult now, which is daunting, and i cant really back down from my studies since i got accepted into U of T, my dream uni since it's in the city of Toronto which i so much love and am familiar with (at least all of it except Etobicoke). free rider did much to give me a game to play for 5 years and counting, but it also did serve as the starting point of my serious chronic procrastination (aside from roblox when i was younger and chess now). not to mention I'm patiently waiting for the second season of Blue Box to drop in October so I can watch it as my personal "gift" for getting into uni (getting my driver's license too -- although for one, i was told by my parents i shouldnt even get my G1 drivers license until I got into uni, and its a written test; and for two, that driver's license will be a closet license. No im of chinese ethnicity, not korean). im also trying to record some songs and drop them bc i got two albums (mixtapes in the real sense, im not under a label contract like wtf) to finish producing, recording, mixing and all that good sht.
A compound of austere and stupid reasons, but here i am, talking about my inactivity with frhd.

it pangs me that i cant finish the ambitious projects that i started, mainly my memory-based tracks, but someday i will realize it, hopefully before frhd goes extinct. im just not a good drawer, i dont have the patience for that. still, at least i was there when the ORG was happening, and I made it for like 2 months or something like that.
those were the good old days in the pandemic. too bad times are different now.