K so first we got my friend he’s a great guy and really nice but he smokes and does most anything he can get his hands on, I’m chill with it and he’s not pushy to get me to do any with him, I’ve tried most stuff and just think it’s kinda weak to need them, he also has more friends I hang out with that do much worse and deal everything you can think of, they try to get me to take stuff much more, and we normally end up ripping his non road legal ghost vehicle truck on public roads and sometimes in peoples yards, the cops are looking for him and a couple of them have warrants for all typa things, don’t really know what to do because they are all really nice and we go fishing, he helps me fix cars and teaches me how to, the guy who deals stuff literally came to help us with his own tools and money when our car broke down in a parking lot, keep in mind he is pretty poor and it was a 30 minute drive. So they are nice people
Next we have my love life (not much) so I need to first preface that I am 16 live in a rural area of New Hampshire and have never been in a relationship like at all no kisses (besides a couple from female friends for dares) no hugs straight up nothing it really sucks, and I was in a trip that I saved up for and organized for my birthday, it was at my extended family’s joint owned vacation house, my family shares it and rents it out to pay for it, and for my 16th I invited lots of friends out there to celebrate around the 4th of July, and I’ve had a crush on one of the girls I invited out for a long time, all of my friends knew and I bet she did too, on the Fourth of July I was genuinely making progress and I think she was fw it we sat by ourselves close together watching the fireworks, my other friends got me to go over to her and I think she was liking it ( oh btw I forgot to say this a different group but most of them also do zyns alcohol and flowers as well which I wouldn’t have to much of a problem with besides the fact that I told them not to bring anything as my mom would be around all the time and they still did, they were doing it all in my house too) so anyways that night was the last of the trip and we all got home from the town late, we went back on the bus and I sat next to the girl and took her to her bed (she had my moms room and bed and all us guys slept on the floor of the living room it’s a small house) didn’t do anything just left to go to the living room with everyone else, they were drinking stolen vodka and probably on edibles but later on one of my friends (who has dated the girl a while ago but she cheated and they broke up) went away to her room with beers (I didn’t know where he was) and they were with each other in the room for a long time, I didn’t see them until the morning when they left and I brought them to the bus and everything, later hanging out with one of my best friends he told me that they had sx (keep in mind the guy was one of my best friends before hand and was also the one egging me on to talk to her and knew dam well I was into her and this happened ON MY MOMS BED while she was sleeping one room away AND I personally cleaned those exact sheets in the morning a couple hours later) and they went all the all way like everything and they were at it for a long time, which I was pissed at and stopped hanging out with the guy ( he doesn’t know I know) but I still hang out with girl every so often because my mom is friends with her mom and thinks she a literal angel.
last for now is my injury and declining health both mental and physical, beginning of this year I was doing great, I went to the gym every day and was very fit and I rowed crew. I also went skiing pretty often, I have been skiing for ten years and am very good at it, on one of these skiing trips (I was with that girl and another friend but this was before the other story and I was injured the entire time I was on that trip) I had rental skis that day because my mom can’t afford to buy me skis until I fully stop growing (I’m 6 foot one and my dads 6”8) and the rental person had tightened my bindings way too much which made this injury significantly worse, I fell off a small cliff going at least 30mph probably faster, when I hit the ground my skis didn’t come off because of the tight bindings causing my right leg to twist over 180 degrees behind me, I got a “compound tibia fibia butterfly spiral fracture” which basically means it the crash completely destroyed the bottom half of my leg peices of the bones were sticking out of my skin and stuck all around inside my leg, it basically imploded complete with a serious amount of internal bleeding and bone bruising along of course with the other injuries I got from the fall, I almost died of suffocation form being buried in the snow and unable of moving before a patrol sled got to me, and out of panic I got my friend to to help me twist my leg the right way around again which luckily was actually very beneficial but could of been very bad so all the doctors were very worried when I told them, I went to the er and was there for the next day and a half, I ended up in a full leg cast with an artificial skeleton inside it for support, I was stuck near motionless in a bed for the next 7 months, I couldn’t go to school and I couldn’t even properly get to the bathroom until about 3 months in when I could manage to sit up in bed and pivot over to a Kamode that was less than 2 feet away with the help of my mum, during those 7 months almost every day was some of the most unimaginably painful times of my life, my leg also needed to constantly be tenderly suspended above me to make my blood be able to circulate, sometimes I fainted from the sheer amount of pain I was feeling day in day out, I considered just ending it all because of how bad it was and how it never seemed to get any better, after that when it finally got healed enough for me to get to school (in a wheelchair with my leg also still in suspension and a full leg and hip cast) I was so behind with work that it was almost worse then when I was stuck in bed, and everything was still extremely painful, but I stayed as positive as I could throughout the whole thing, that was another 3 months until I finally got back to walking with the assist of a boot, but since my leg was in a bent position in that cast for so long, the muscles contracted and I am unable to stretch my leg out fully or bring it in much, it is also horribly painful to do most things in my daily life but not as bad as before, I also lossed a ton of weight and all the muscle I had built from going to the gym for over 2 years, and recently I’ve had no motivation to do almost anything physical, I haven’t gotten back to rowing crew yet, haven’t gone to the gym and have been giving myself excuses because I don’t want it to re injure my leg, I feel terrible about myself when I’m alone but I’m pretty happy when I’m around others, it’s getting back to ski season again and I’ve decided I want to continue it because I need to find something I can enjoy that’s physical, in fact just this morning I bought some used ski gear for the first time so I can do it, when I was trying everything on I felt phantom pain where I broke my leg in the boot and I swear could feel the crunching of my bones again when I tied to move, I’m scared of getting injured again.
im sorry this is so long I didn’t talk about everything because I didn’t want it to be too much but please read it all it would mean a lot to me and I also want to make sure you guys know that I do not really want to commit suicide and I am pretty ok mentally as of right now
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