Pour Your Heart Out

bad shaving joke

 

oh

 

should i be worried if i all of a sudden have a heavy interest in reading stuff by franz kafka, fyodor dostoevsky and kurt vonnegut

 

Many different reasons. I have really severe OCD and I get fewer obsessions after I injure myself. And for some reason it works the most on my face. But there are other more complicated reasons too.

 

So in september last year I loss health insurance without even knowing and was not told until late october. I got the paper about it in november saying I'm not covered. So I tried family care but I got denied because I make too much money and then just this month I tried to get insurance that's for the state I'm in and a lady on the phone told me I was gonna have to pay $400 a month but then in the middle of the call my phone loss connection and it hung up on her. Then that night I tried calling again and nothing happened. Then the next day I called again and someone else picked up and I gave him my information and he said I'll pay 291 a month but to get covered today I would have to pay 340 so I did and now I'm covered. I just feel like that was weird how I got disconnected to calling the next day to get charged less. Just wanted to share this because it's the first good thing to happen this year.

I hope everyone is having a good year and if you're not I hope it gets better. It's rough out there you just gotta keep your head up.

 

I feel like that's weird. At the end of the day insurance is a process of sale, and depending on how great they are at their job is what may determine how well they can help you with quotes and rates (to an extent)
Maybe someone can attest to this for me, but this is how I'm viewing it. Well wishes this year Fire Beats!

 

Do you go to a psychologist? you should

 

well she said no to me asking her out today so now I'm gonna be out of it for the next week. who else had a nice Valentine's Day?

 

didnt have the nerve to ask her out lol, I gotta work on that

 

hey man you got this. might not be this time around but you'll find a place and a time. it's the asking that's the hard part, that's the climax - from there it's not nearly as stressful
then again maybe don't take advice from the guy who just got rejected idc

 

let her ask you out







(i'm single)

 

fr. or just get good at being single and pretending you love it

 

hey, you'll find someone eventually

 

I do lots of different things. I have a psychiatrist and a therapist and I've experimented with different kinds of treatment. I'm really lucky because I have a ton of support

 

"You only live once, and life is short, so go for it." That’s what my uncle always said, but he passed away yesterday. His words mean even more to me now. You never know what can happen tomorrow, so don’t wait. Take chances in life; you never know, maybe it will be the best decision you ever made. Life is too short for regrets.

 

well said

 

Good point tbh

 

The thing I mourn from my childhood the most is the loss of relationships. It’s a weird feeling, looking where I am now. I don’t have a close enough connection with anyone in my life, and I know that a large part of that is because of mistakes I’ve made.

I used to be friends with my dad. I used to want to tell him everything I did, everything that made me happy. I feel like I’m not allowed to talk about the things that make me happy. I still want to tell my dad everything I like. I feel like I’ve silently burned bridges hoping that my complacency would be enough to make it as though it wasn’t happening, when I know that it’s just a blindfold to keep me from recognizing the actions I take.

I’m tired of being able to recognize the amount of people I make uncomfortable by inconveniencing them. It’s a ridiculous notion to have that the things that bring me happiness wouldn’t frustrate others, but I think I hold onto it close enough that I see every day when it does. I traded showing my dad minecraft houses and Lego figurines into watching shows with him and going to bike races, and now I feel like it’s over and I’ve driven an insurmountable wedge into the relationship we had even though there are still things we do. I feel like me growing up means me letting go of my dad. And it’s true, you do need to detach yourself from your parents as you get older. It’s part of life. But I feel like I lost one of my best friends to early. And it doesn’t just hurt me, but also who I used to be. I don’t know how to connect with anyone anymore.

I feel too out of place

I think that a lot of the things I’m seeing are a result of me fooling myself to believing lies that made me feel like I had control over uncontrollable situations. I’ve just been moving through life. I don’t feel like I have any sense of consistency looking back to when things were good. I’d trade everything for a day being a kid again.

I think it’s silly to think that I’m different though. I don’t, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling isolated. Everyone needs to mourn the loss of their childhood and move on, but it seems the only way I can make movement forward in my life is cutting ties and throwing them away rather than being able to untie them like everyone else. I can’t move on with the memories I’ve made and the things I’ve done, it’s as though my past is a burden that I can’t move on with the same flow and grace that everyone else does, in some nice dance between accepting the past and looking towards the future without forgetting the present. My nostalgia doesn’t feel warm or happy or fuzzy, it fills my soul with heartache and nothing but longing. I think that there were parts I was supposed to finish that I never did. I changed and I don’t know when and I don’t know how I can apologize to who I once was and to who I was supposed to be for being who I am.

I do not feel light from the end of the tunnel.

I do not understand how people feel hope and excitement for the rest of their lives, and maybe it’s because I traded the home I grew up in and the friends I had for an unfamiliar and unforgiving environment the same time that I was forced to take multiple steps in my growth but it does certainly feel like I’m in the acting of trading the things that I genuinely care about for meaningless junk.

I don’t know the last time I hugged my dad with a real hug that mattered. I want to get pushed high on the swing by my mom just one more time and I wish with everything I had she would drive me to the library to check out more books just one more time. No one had given up for me more than them and I’ve repayed them in the most shitty ways I could. They deserve so much better than me.

im grateful that I was given a heart that could love so much everything I had, and I’m so glad that I had a childhood to fill it but I sure as hell wish that it didn’t feel like I was throwing both away.

It feels selfish to complain about having such a good childhood.

I think it’s important to recognize the beauty of change. And I hope that I can always take time to appreciate love. I feel as though I’m capable and yet at the same time I feel like the potential I had is gone.

Maybe the price of moving on is forgetting the good and the bad. And maybe I should’ve learned it sooner.

all of you are beautiful.

thank you God for giving me a heart that could love so much, I’m sorry that I don’t know how to use it.

I’m moving without velocity

 

Just got my healthcare card in the mail : )

 

hey bro. the light is around the corner, you just don’t see it yet. you made a decision today to open up, and maybe you learned something as doing so. But you may not reap the rewards from what you’re doing right now for another 1, 3, 5 years. If you are hopeful, which you must be… You can TUURRRRN your life around. You can dramatically improve your overall state (the way you feel and operate) in one year. You have the ability to make such positive progress you will look back and not even believe it was possible. But you must have hope. Because hope is the gateway to faith and faith allows for miracles to happen in your life.