Pour Your Heart Out

fuckk bro

 

So the year isn't good because I might lose my house do to bankruptcy. My uncle still has hospital bills to pay so that's what killed us. I make the most in my family but we are trying to think positive but it's hard when you're so deep in a hole.

 

My one aunt husband actually was just caught cheating on her with a lady from work and they have four kids and what's worse is the oldest was told not to say anything about it. But she found out about it and now she's going through a lot. She was a house mom and her husband said he cheated because she doesn't work yet they made a deal of her to stay home with the kids so he's just trying to make excuses. Just wanted to tell you that because it's cruel to do the to your partner. I wish nothing but the best for your family. I'll be praying man

 

getting a restraining order against a certain someone

 

im happy

 

Why is that, might I ask?

 

I don’t really know who I am or what I want, I just keep going through every day looking for things to make me happy and I can’t find anything fulfilling. I think I look for things that used to make me excited or happy, but a long time ago something changed and I can’t find anything lasting in my life. I stay up way too late trying to find some connection or quick hit of dopamine to distract me, and then I go and do the same thing every day until every day blends together and I can’t distinguish anything genuinely important I’ve done in my life in the past year. I’ve had 4 years since I moved and started highschool to make some sort of lasting relationship with someone, and not a single one I’ve made will be meaningful or last 3 months from now when I graduate.

I feel alone

I try my best to be a good friend and person and I’m just tired of feeling like I’m inconveniencing everyone around me. I’m so tired of me specifically frustrating people and I’m truly sorry that I do. My parents can’t recognize my appreciation or love for them, or at least how deep it is and I don’t know why I can’t express that more, but it hurts me to know that they feel that way and I wish that every time I ever mentioned anything at all they were doing that I found frustrating or upsetting I wouldn’t have because it never really mattered. I feel like I’m mourning the loss of people who are still alive and well for no reason, and especially my father. I don’t feel the same connection I had to him and I don’t know why I can’t express it more but I feel like what I’ve lost isn’t able to come back. And it’s fruitless in mentioning because I should be grateful that I had the relationship with my father when I was younger to miss now but it still hurts and I don’t know where to turn. I try my best to not talk about personal problems to others because it doesn’t change much of anything and just leaves me focusing on things that make me unhappy but I don’t know what else to do.

I haven’t been able to sleep without spending copious amounts of time on social media or other empty sources of distraction and I don’t know why. Every time I let my mind sit it fills with memories I forgot a long time ago of things I used to have and places I used to go that I didn’t want to remember because they just make me feel sad. I don’t like thinking about the past because it just reminds me of how much potential I had that I’ve thrown away for useless things. I was effortlessly happy once and the idea of that makes me either sad or angry or some other relentless tide of feelings that I don’t know how to deal with.

I’ve never really felt anything this way, not to this extent and not in these patterns and it feels self destructive and I just don’t want it to continue

I don’t know where I’m going to go or what I’m going to do but I do know that there was so much I should’ve been, not for my parents but for myself and it kills me. I’ve settled for mediocrity using bad habits as an excuse for my behavior and I don’t see any hopeful future for me to continue on. A large part of me wishes no one knew me or who I was because it would make it a lot easier for me to go away

 

I always say the same thing, but its so true, I can't believe how smilar our lives are with strangers on the internet. And i say this with tears in my eyes, because you really reflected how i felt 2 years ago.

Happiness is a really weird thing, as said by Nathaniel Hawthorne "Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you." As humans, we tend to search for happiness as if it was something we could catch, as if it was something we can create, heavily influenced by modern day consumism, when it is not. In a science based way, happiness is the emotion inflicted by the realease of hormones such as dopamine or serotonin. You may be wondering where I'm going with this. The truth is, we've always tried to measure happiness, even though it is something that cannot truly be measured. You can't say I'm 50% sad, or im 75.275% happy today, either you are sad, or you are not, its absolutes. You can't measure happiness as a handful of achievements, happiness is achieved by the overall of your life, of your current situation. You have to take into account everything thats good in your life, and balance it with the bad things. Yes, you moved out from where you had friends, but it sure was for a better good. You can't live in the past, we can't keep reminiscing about the past days because life moves on, and time doesn't wait for you. If you keep living in the past, you are missing a lot of things that are happening day by day around you that are good. Take all those memories and feelings about the past, and start turning them into happy memories, and store them up in a box up in the head, close that box with tape, and make a little hole that only the happy things can crawl thorugh. Turn those sad memories into good memories, because, after all, those were happy times, not sad times, right? What i want you to do, is relax, take a deep breath and count how many people is there that truly care about you, and you will find out that it's more than you think, and count me in there too . The moment you relax a little, you stop and start admiring life, thats when you will find happiness. Stop, hear the birds chriping, feel the cold snow, feel the cold air whistling through, feel the music you like, feel those beautiul sunsets, feel life, and you will feel alive.

Friends, oh it's so hard to make good friends nowadays. No one knows what caring about another person actually is, everyone only cares about themselves, and they make friendships based on that. It's impossible to make meaningful connections with people, especially when you've had to move from your hometown to another place when you had already made your friends. I was always the lonely kid in highschool, all my friends had other friend groups they hanged out with, and i was always alone, with the occasional invitation to hangout or something. That was until i went to college. It may feel overwhelming, to make a deep connection with someone, but you gotta do it man. You gotta keep trying, because one day you are gonna find people with the same interests as you, and when you do, thats when you will realise that your real friends have been standing there all that time, you just had to try and find them. It took me one full semester in college to find the people i wanted to be with, and now i go out with them, study with them, go to the gym with them, we do whatever, and its not that many people, we are 4 in said friend group. And i know that these 3 friends are gonna go on for a long time once college is over.

About your dad, your parents in general, he knows that you love him deeply. It's just something they know. I asked my dad the other day exactly that, if he knew that i loved him, he said "i know son, we can tell without you having to say it". They know it man, but, its always good to show them love in different ways, such as, being obedient, doing something in the house without them asking, or cooking something they like for dinner. Your parents were the ones that decided to bring you to life, and they will always be there to love you and support you in anything you want to do. Also, your dad is just waiting for you to ask him to do something with him, start going to the gym with him, or running, or start a hobby with him, anything, he's dying for you to do something with him.

Also, feeling lost in life is completely normal, we all feel it at some point, and I'm gonna say something that is also gonna help you with those moments where you say your mind can't stop. Your mind is like a huge wool ball, you have to sit there one day, and start untangling it, which will also help you know yourself, and what you want to do with your life. Sit down and start thinking about what bothers you and makes you feel that way. Maybe it's because you miss your old friends, or maybe it's something else, and once you've realized what is what bothers you go and fix it. And if you can't fix it by yourself, ask for help. Don't be afraid to ask for help, even professional or medical help, you are not crazy you just need help, we all need help sometimes. Life can be too overwhelming, and sometimes we can't deal it all by ourselves, I usually find help in God or in the church, but if you are not a believer or you don't want to go to the chucrch, find someone you trust and tell them how you feel, and if they care about you they will try and give you solutions.

Lastly, i want to thank you for opening up, which is always hard, and i wish you all the best in life. Also, my dms are always open to anyone who needs/wants to talk about anything. Be safe out there! <3

 

fu.ck this sh.itty ass fu.cking weather and my shitty fu.cking natural body temperature i try and go to bed reasonably at 10pm for once to get a nice healthy habits going for my final year of school and it's 19 degrees celsius outside and i still am feeling fu.cking sweltered as sh.it even after spending the whole day inside a fu.cking air conditioned house so I can't fuc.king go to sleep until like 12 and then guess what?? i wake up at fu.cking 5am meaning I either get up now and feel like sh.it the rest of the day or sleep in until like 8 and dont have time to fu.cking do anything to get ready fu.ck you cu.nt. why do I even fu.cking bother trying to develop healthy routines when I still feel like fuc.king shi.t either way nah man im actually so pissed dude. fuc.k australia and fu.ck climate change man

 

Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV):

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Psalm 34:18 (NIV):

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

 

MY HEART IS MOVING IN EACH DIRECTIOOOOOOOOON THE SOULS OF THE LOST ARE NEAR MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE *dramatic emo ahh music*

 

while i enjoy your encouragement, please try and keep this thread to a semi-serious matter, i would love to keep this place a safe space for anyone to open up, thank you!

 

im in a healthy relationship with a girl but we cant be official bc were too young

 

Uh what

 

bc im only 14 lol

 

i have always felt like the ugly duck amongst the others, this has been an issue ive had since elementary school. I changed my personality to fit in, but people seem to forget about me a lot. Nothing i tried ever really stuck in my friends' heads, even those i knew since grade 7 when i moved schools and into high school (my school is from grade 7 to 12). Not even my words in my debut album were enough. yes my music was experimental and faulty, but i was transparent with my mental problems, including my suicidal intent, which still has its remnants on my mind.

i dont understand the world and how they socialize. i feel alienated bc everytime i talk a sense of awkwardness follows and kills the conversation. ive tried again and again, but while going along with my friends in some happy-go-lucky way, deep down theres pent up anger and frustration. honestly idk anymore but i find a little bit more solace when people do remember me

 

no you can commit, most of my friends started younger but still actually showed maturity

 

I've been holding this for way too long now.

In about two weeks, 2 years will have passed since my ex broke up with me. Not like it matters to me anymore or anything, I honestly couldn't care less about her, or our relationship. But, for some reason, that breakup has left me without the ability to make friends with girls. I know this sounds silly, but let me explain. Every time I start talking to a girl in my class, i.e., after a while i get this anxious feeling that makes me turn away from that said friendship, I stop responding to messages, and become colder in person. The reason why this happens is because there's a part of me that is trying to keep me safe, because I'm scared that I'll grow more and more attached to said person, and I'm scared they will hurt me again. So i just turn around and stop trying. And its not like I want to have a girlfriend right now, I don't, because I'm not mentally ready for it as it shows, but I do wanna be friends with them, and there's always that part of me that pulls me away from having a converstation or anything. I'm also really scared about what other people think of me, like, I don't want people feeling like I'm a weirdo or anything, because I also hate not fitting in, It's something that happened to me through all of highschool and I don't want it happening again. Even my friends push me to talk to women, but I just can't. I'm really afraid of getting hurt again, and I'm also really scared that is gonna keep me from having a family one day.

There's another thing that has been bothering me lately. Man f*ck anxiety. It's the worst. Just when you thought you had finally stopped having anxious episodes, just when your hands stopped shaking, just when your head stopped going at 200 mph about everything, it comes back and destroys your life a little bit more. I was diagnosed with anxiety by a doctor back in august, but i know I've had it for well over 4 years now. And yes, nowadays its not the worst its ever been, but its not exactly a great feeling. My biggest problem with it, is that its such a destructive feeling, because slowly it goes destroying everything around, all your relationships with friends, your studies, your relationship with your parents,... And I always try and keep my head occupied with mundane things, like burying myself in studies, or going to the gym, or listening to music, when all i wanna do is go to my bed, curl up and cry myself to sleep. I get up everyday and put on my fake smile mask and go on with my day, smiling at people, making them think that I'm really happy and everything, when in reality, I've got a lump in my throat and my mind is killing me every second. Also, can't tell my parents, because I've got everything i need, and if i need anything else, i ask for it and i get it, so I can't be sad, that would make me seem ungrateful! I've gone through a lot in my life, and I can't tell no one. Only 2 people know my full story, and everything that goes on in my head, and one of them doesn't care about me, and I don't wanna worry the other one, none of them are my parents or part of my family. I always say to see the good in life, search for the color, but sometimes life is so gray and so dull its unbearable. I hate going to college everyday, and then come home and be on the verge of crying for 2 hours until i compose myself again. I take all this sh*t everyday, and keep piling it up and piling it up, until I explode, and start having panic attacks, again, or until something worse happens. And i don't want that to happen man, I would never do it in my own self, I know how many people I would hurt, and how much sadness it would cause. At night, when it all becomes so unbearable and I can't sleep, I lay there, and start rethinking my life decisions, and what was that made me have these sort of thoughts right now. I should be a happy kid, right? I don't live in poverty, my parents are happily married, I don't have any terminal illness, I even have a plan for what I want to do in the future. But the anxiety is always there, and always keeps coming back. And I don't know what to do anymore, I've tried everything my doctor recommended. I just wanna be happy again, its been so long since I've been actually happy.

There's days when I can't take it anymore, and I just wanna scream very loudly, and let everything out, cry for hours and then sleep for 2 days straight. Or maybe sleep forever and never wake up. I'm tired.

 

1 Peter 5:7
Philippians 4:6-7
You don't have to go through this alone. Keep going, and know that God sees your pain and cares deeply for you. Even when things feel dark, there's hope, and you have a purpose that’s beyond your current struggles.
I’m praying for your strength and peace. You've got this, and you're not alone.

 

its official - im a failure
1st quarter i had all A and Bs and got honor roll but now 2nd quarter i had an C in all my classes, which im actually kinda stoked abt considering most were in 60% and i brought them up, and i got an E and a D in two of my midterms. i fcking suck. im constantly not focused and i think i have an addiction to reels and fcking play random
e; i also have like a lot of assignments overdue and im on frhd, and im constantly staying up past 4am "trying" to do some work and failing bc youtube is right there. most assignments im turning in lately are opened at 3am, turned in at 4, and use chat gpt for 98% I currently have 9 assignments pending, and thats why my '2025 track' isnt out