Pour Your Heart Out

that makes me feel even more weird

 

Ahhh man I'm here again
And I thought I was mentally healthy now lmao what dumb*ss
Life just f*cked me over again
But I have to say that I'm better than what I was the last time I wrote anything on this thread
When I left this place everything was on the road, a good finish for my 10th grade, I got the best gf in the world, summer, vacation, etc
But then it all went down in September
School started again, and as I'm in 11th I need to get superb grades in order to get to a good career
But I had a mental breakdown right before it started, like two weeks before the start or so
But I recovered from it and everything seemed to be ok
Then the first exams came
I fuckíng gave everything I had to get good grades, and then the fuckîng best grade I get is a ******* 6/10
Like I was genuinely exhausted
But, how different uh, my parents were like, why do you have so bad graded uh, you don't study well or you should study more and sh1t.
I was fuckíng mentally exhausted, and, how strange, I had another mental breakdown, cos' why not
But the fuckîng thing is that it lasted for about two weeks of felling like sh1t, silent crying, don't even want to do anything, overthinking, insomnia, etc
But you know, I recovered with a lot of help form my gf and so, and that's a good point
But the worst thing is that I haven't really fully recovered from it, and some days I just feel fuckîng nothing, I just stand there as if I was a freaking rock
And in the blink of an eye you have the final exams right there so you have to study again and you can't really do anything else than studying
So you do the exams feeling like you can get good grades aaannnd
Two 5s/10s and a 8/10
Great
Sooo I'm depressed again, and I guess I'll never be able to be a ******* normal human being again, great
But hey I still put a fake smile and make everyone think that in ok and so
Yeah, im a ******* depressed *****

 

Yikers. That's how my second semester of grade 11 earlier this year was. Something happened and my grades plummeted. Here's what I can advise you:

Slow down and rest. If you're mentally exhausted, why overwork yourself more? Settle down and take a break for a while. Regather yourself. You can tell your school what's going on or your parents and get some time off. You're struggling right now. You shouldn't be doing something that's causing more of a burden upon you. You have the right to ask for an exemption. Yes you may be held back a school year but hey, there's nothing wrong with staying back. Plus, you can rest. Assuming you never told your parents what's going on, why not? They don't know what's going on therefore you're not getting help from well, no one. Tell your parents what's going on.

Another thing I can say is encouragement. I know you can't encourage yourself enough to pull through but the people who do care for you who can. You said your girlfriend is helping out. That's really good that you have someone who can support you. You can talk to someone and vent because it looks like that's what you need right now.

Not only that, don't degrade yourself. Stop degrading yourself. Doing so isn't going to help you in any way. Saying that stuff to yourself is just making you believe you're a f**ked up human being who can't be normal when you're not. You're just feeding into your own lies just because the road went rough. There's always at time to rebound. There's never no time. Depression isn't something you should be beating yourself more because all you're doing is putting yourself in a situation where you'll cloud yourself from all opportunities to get up. I can't tell you to get out of depression. It won't be that easy if you don't want to get up yourself. When the road gets tough, push through; speak to family or trusted friends. If you don't want to do so, go to a therapist or counseling. You need help and I get that. Just because sh*t happens doesn't make you lesser of a person. Everyone goes through rough patches. Some may be harder than others but when you have the support to get you through, you'll feel that break you're longed for and the burden get lighter.

Now, all I can tell you is rest yourself. You're severely drained. If you haven't told your parents about how you're feeling, tell them. Let them understand how you've been doing. Try to get some sleep dude, keep talking to your gf. I think it'll help you a lot as it's helping you already. If you need to vent, do so. I know you can get through this.

 

Thanks for the text man, it's really helpful and hopeful
I see the point that you are trying to express when you say that I'm drowned in overwork and so. Yeah I am really, but I cannot tell my parents or anyone for that reason, they won't listen, they are going to say that I'm not grateful or that I'm just exaggerating. That's exactly the reason I haven't told my parents about my depression, they will say it's just lack of sleep because I stay up till late with the phone or something like that. They just won't f*cking listen. They will just ask something like "Don't you have anything you want? Why wouldn't you be happy?", and that angers me a lot, like they won't f*cking understand that you can be grateful and depressed at the same time. I can hate myself and thank everyone for being in my life. IM JUST FUCKÎNG BUILT LIKE THAT. Nah they won't listen.
Ha, I know what they will say, something like "You aren't happy with yourself because you don't get good grades" I DON'T HATE MYSELF FOR THAT, I FUCKÍNG HATE MYSELF BECAUSE I HAVE A ******* DEAD SOUL AND I CAN'T FEEL ANY ******* EMPATHY TO MYSELF.
yeah great, that's it
And you said, don't call yourself that, don't degrade yourself, etc etc
Man, how can't I degrade myself when I CANT FEEL ANYTHING.
yeah I'm so ******* done with everything
I just want to disappear and see what will happen if I do

 

Dude. You don't know if they won't listen if you don't try. Have you tried to do so? And since you posted this, YOU DO CARE ABOUT YOUR STATE OF MIND BECAUSE YOU ACKNOWLEDGED YOUR STATE OF MIND. If you didn't care, you would've kept silent. Also disappearing (or suicide) wouldn't make it all the better for anyone (pretty sure you didn't know that at the time). This quote: "Don't you have anything you want? Why wouldn't you be happy?" Is wrong. You can gain the whole world but lose your soul. You can have all your desires and still be sad. It's what you need that makes you ok.

Questions for you dude:
Why did you breakdown?
Are you happy about degrading yourself, feeling the way right now?
What do you want to do?

No one doesn't go from good straight into a mental breakdown and then into depression. Something must have killed you. If this is all about school grades, let it go. Leave it alone. It happened. You can make it up this year and get better grades (which I'm doing now). This is your mental state you're dealing with. Look. If you don't want to look or ask for help, you can stay where you are. But you don't, don't you? Saying oh I don't feel anything or I can't feel anything is forcing people away from you who are trying to help you. You do feel something. From your tone, you sound angry.

Madara I don't know if you can pitch in but please do. I can't do much.

 

I know they won't because I've tried talking to them about other meaningless things and whenever you have a different point from theirs they'll just tell you that's disrespect.
Im telling you I do care about my state of mind but I know I just can't change its a fact o now about myself. And also keeping it silent is what I've done for almost 3 years now. I only talk about it with strangers on the internet because I know they can't judge at all because they don't know me.
I reckon I've had suicidal thoughts, but never got to the extreme situation of having the knife on my neck or nothing like that, yet. There's just something that stops me, yet not only that I'm a very frightened person that is scared to jump off a cliff to a river, and that is my gf. I think that if she found out I committed suicide, that would kill her, absolutely. But I don't know how my mind is going to be tomorrow, maybe I get to the extreme. Who knows.
I just want to disappear just for a day and see what happens, how do people react, and so. I think it will only make me feel worse.
When you quote "Don't you have anything you want? Why wouldn't you be happy?" I can see your point and so. But that's exactly what they don't see. They can't see that I'm grateful about everything they do for me and anything they give me, but IM JUST FUCKÎNG BROKEN INSIDE.
I don't even know why did I fuckíng breakdown, I think that I was just too lonely in quarantine
That really broke me inside
I'm not happy about degrading myself but it's the only ******* thing I can do, I'm just being honest with myself
I don't even know what I want to do. I just want to go to a freaking new county or something like that and just become a new person, so there nobody knows me and nobody can judge me.
I think that the quarantine is what killed me. Yea

 

Sltg28
hey, thanks for coming back here to try and get some help or advice.
i can confidently say that im going through alot of what you are going through as well, i also know that telling my parents i have depression wont solve anything, i can understand you being overworked, kinda senseless and losing feeling with your emotions. its definitely not easy, but no matter what happens, eventually, you have to get back up and try again.
from what i've read, i do think that you have a spiritual problem. i dont really like to psuh my thoughts on anyone and i always try not to, but this is my personal opinion that i really hope would help you.
i think you are spiritually struggling. thats why you cant feel anything. probably because parents always make a huge deal out of school grades for a "good career". they always make a fuss about how dirsty your room is or how messy it is or ....etc. you get the point. to begin with, the main objective in life isnt supposed to be get good grades, clean your room and you'll be happy. no. you need to add meaning to all of this, an actual one. for example, i personally was not raised in a religious way, so i was always numb, confused and not sure why im here. (in case you didnt know, im a muslim), ever the since the age of 15 i tried to know God more, ask more questions as to why we're here, whats the point of life, why do we live...etc. and after some time i got all my answers and i was very happy with that. ever since that point, i knew why i did every action i did. i know why i go to college, i know why i should be nice to my parents, i know why i should be loving and nice to people, i know which friends to pick...etc. now even though im going through almost everything you're going through and of course it makes me very sad at times, but i know what i should do. which is to take a needed rest, then try again and again and again. and to try to fix everything i can change for the better. so in conclusion, find a meaning to your life if you dont have one. and if you do have it, strengthen it to the better. this is what works best for me and alot of people i know. its always a great thing.

and if you want something maybe other than that, maybe you arent into religion.
then Fluoride did a really wonderful job explaining alot of these things. you need to first of all calm down and collect all your thoughts. then prioritize all your problems and see what you should focus on. this could be a very hard thing to do if you arent religious. but somewhat manageable. after that start working on them in order and try to find a solution for each problem. of course you cant solve every single problem but you should try your best on all of them. thats step one.
then, you need hobbies that truly make you happy. you can just go to school, eat, study and sleep. this isnt how you're supposed to live. you need fun in your life. it comes in different forms for different people, for me i found it in helping people out and playing games such as chess and a few others. yes homework is important, but so is enjoying your time. pick your hobbies wisely. and of course taking breaks from everything sometimes.

also, obeying your parents is extremely important, but at times when their advice/words are not very good or not precise. you need to know when to ignore it. since you did your best for your exams and still didnt get the grade you wanted, you should not be sad whatsoever. even if your parents dont like your grades. you did your best and you will continue to do so. dont let their unnecessary words hurt you. yeah validation and encouragement is important but no one is perfect so sometimes your parents will choose wrong words when talking with you.

just one last thing, i noticed sometimes when people receive advice, they read it once and just never think about it again. i really want you to think alot about what anyone advises you to do. what i said or what Fluoride said or whoever helped you out. we dont say these for no reason, so make sure to think well about them.

i really hope this helps you somehow. and if you have any other questions, just ask and we'll try our best to help you out.

 

Ha I'm christian
Well I really don't know, when all my depression and **** started I think I lost connection to God because I thought he wasn't really helping at all, and I broke that connection
But I'm slowly regaining it. I talk to him form time to time and so.
Yea a lil bit weird.
You told me to try and get back up whenever I fall, but man, I've tried it lots of times AND IT DOESN'T WORK YOU WILL FALL AGAIN. And, the thing that angers me the most, THERE'S PEOPLE THAT WANT YOU TO FALL AGAIN. that just ***** me up more than I thought something would.
I think that I don't have a spiritual problem or something like that. I think that I've been such a long time depressed that I'm just apathetic. Yeah I just can't feel anything, neither good or bad, just nothing.
I've asked myself similar questions as the ones you've asked yourself, and I just got to the conclusion that there's nobody behind, I mean, I know there's a god behind everything but I think he has forgotten about my existence, I just don't get any manifestation about his existence.
I can clearly tell what you are saying with calming down and reorganizing my thoughts and so. Maybe I'll do it.
Talking about hobbies I play baseball, I've been playing it for 8 years now, and I'm getting a little bit into cars so I have something to do on my spare time
And actually training is a good way to cope with stress because hitting bombs relaxes me a lot
You said that I need to know which advices my parents give me are good for me or which ones aren't. I'm going to resume it in a phrase: if I don't follow step by step any advice my parents give me, it's wrong. Simple.
They don't care if I like the advice or not, they will just obligate me to follow it
And I will apply to myself both of your advices, yours and Fluoride ones, again, thank you so much

 

"Ha I'm christian
Well I really don't know, when all my depression and **** started I think I lost connection to God because I thought he wasn't really helping at all, and I broke that connection"

I'm a christian too (ALERT: I talk a lot about scriptures in this comment sorry)
He never left you. Sometimes he lets stuff happen for a reason to fufill purpose. You may not know now but you might know later. It might be a lesson? Who even knows. Glad you're regaining it.

Deuteronomy 31:6 and Joshua 1:9 are good scriptures if you're looking for encouragement. It helped me with me grief (father passed dec 31st 2020) for the first 4 months of this year. I can look for more if you'd like. Matthew 7:7-8 states "ask and it shall be given, seek and you shall find, knock and it shall be opened". If you ask for help you will find help.
(I'll only say this at the top of my head. If you do want more, I can gladly gives some)

 

Appreciate it bro.
But I only have a question
I know God gives you everything you want, you just have to wait and ask insistently etc etc
What should I do when I've been asking for 2 years now, to him to tell me how to cope with my depression or what that fudge happens to me?

 

I don't think god works to our time or our schedule. As in, he works in his own time. A few years here can be a second in his time. Though in everything he does, he will get his glory. Sometimes it'll feel like forever and seem like he's not answering your prayers but to him, it's just a moment. I don't know when you're miracle is going to come my dude but it will come soon.

Hey you know how you just poured yourself here? Do the same way to him. He knows how you feel but he's just waiting for you to tell him. To pour out yourself, your troubles to him. To trust him. As I said before, ask and it shall be given. You may ask for help and it doesn't come immediately (maybe it does) but sometimes, you'll have those occurrences where you realise, this was the help I longed for. This is what I needed. Just take day one step at a time, rest and regroup.

 

Nothing good I can assure you of that.

 

pray for the glow up, not everyone that doesnt look good in their early school years stays that way, you dont think youll change the way you look but when you grow up and look back at what you used to look like, then youll understand. even if that doesnt happen, (which im sure it will) theres always someone with good in their heart out there that will be able to look past the way you look and love you for who you are. it might not come as soon as you want it to, but with enough searching youll find the right person for you. (you also have to be a genuinely enjoyable person to be around, if you have a good personality then tbh thats better than being hot and a piece of human trash)

 

That’s not a good mindset to have at like 13

 

you should probably try to avoid making people call you that, but also some people just dont know how seriously people take their comments and might say things they dont mean. regardless, i have no context and dont know much about you so i could be wrong, but take what i said into account before you listen so much to what other people have to say

 

Ok first of all it is said to often to be a joke and I am detracting from th original topic (stlg28 )

 

Then you shouldn’t complain if you don’t feel the need to change it

 

And the question I have is why. Not to be rude but that's the stupidest thing to do to yourself. I'm 17 and I'm no place like that. Yes I do feel like sh*t sometimes but to no point where I just accept that I'm worthless; because truly, I know I'm not. Ngl, you gotta sift out what to take seriously from what is not.

Exactly this.

 

Then make it all go away, by actually improving your attitude, unfortunately when you get older you can’t have this mindset and you actually need to provide for yourself so if you hate your parents so much why not start looking for work so you can move out asap and get away from the unbearable abuse of being called a swear word instead of complaining on a forum which inevitably does nothing but make you feel even worse

 

And no, venting on this forum does not inevitably just make you “feel worse”.