Pour Your Heart Out

been in a darker-than-usual place lately. something icky happened last month and since then i've been in a constant state of anxiety and medication isn't helping me anymore. i've the motivation for nothing. this on top of all the issues i've already been having for the past 19 years lol.

 

i'm averaging 2 minutes a day on my phone
probably on my laptop 12 hours a day tho

 

i am tired. very very tired. i will be driving to norway next year.

 

You got this man

 

I know no one really cares but I came out as gay recently and I'm having problems telling one person. My uncle is the hardest person to talk to and this is the hardest thing to do. It's been stressing me out a lot because he's very vocal about the stuff going on the LGBTQ community so I'm scared he's gonna neglect me. I mean he probably knows because you can hear it in my voice and I recently got my ears pierced with diamond studs but my voice is the giveaway but I'm afraid to speak up

 

fact of the matter is most of the time people will pick love as opposed to disconnection. I've been in the loop with a lot of my friends coming out (yes, there have been several), they've all had someone they were worried wouldn't accept them. all of them (the ones they were worried about) accepted the change with love rather than malice.
you can do this my dude. I'm willing to bet your uncle won't reject you because of who you choose to be. i may not know him, but I do know people, and most people don't just neglect because of a change such as this.

 

Dang I was hoping to make a joke here only to find that there are actual serious conversations going on rn

 

yeah wait hold on why do gay ppl speak like that? like not to be rude at all it's just something I noticed...

 

Well he's really hard to talk to in general because he has an attitude half the time so I don't know what's he's going to do. I might just be overthinking or something I'm just trying to make it so he figures out himself because maybe he won't react how I think he will or I'll probably just tell him next month on my birthday.

 

Wdym

 

I think they're referring to the stereotypical "gay person" voice with higher pitch, and highly-enunciated vowels / S's / etc. There are plenty of gay people I've met who don't talk anything like the stereotype, probably more that don't than those that do. But I think the answer is proximity. Gay men are more likely to casually hang out with women than straight men, since there's usually more relatability for them, and they don't have the same concern of making women feel uncomfortable. So they're more likely to pick up more feminine speech patterns. There's also a sort of, self-fulfilling prophecy effect I feel, where if enough people expect someone to act a certain way, they'll subconsciously end up acting more like those expectations.

 

been there. i know it may seem kinda hard but id tell him. if he doesn't accept you, that's his problem UNLESS he actually starts neglecting you as you mentioned. if you're afraid he'll seriously neglect you, i would wait. he seems like a very unpleasant person. im not the best at giving advice but i hope it helps a lil bit at least lol. just know u can talk here and ppl will support u <3

 

thanks

 

the way the stereotypical "gay accent" developed is actually pretty interesting.

 

Ooooo

 

Yeah I'm gonna wait a long time because we already have problems and I don't wanna put another problem on him and I'm glad there's supportive people <3

 

I honestly haven't talked about much of anything that's been going on in my life for a long time, and I'm not really sure why. The most I've really spoken with anyone was on here, and I have had a couple conversations with my friends recently that weren't big at all but really put things into perspective for me about how much I have been ignoring thoughts and feelings. To some extent I really think I have had a problem with depersonalization of a lot of things, for about a month I completely separated myself from about everything. I don't self diagnose about most of anything, but from my understanding of dissociation that I have heard from friends and done research into I think I have really had a problem with that recently as well. And it has explained some experiences I have had in my past, especially from the time that I moved. I've felt that because I have been ignoring feelings, especially the last year since my grandma died my life has felt a lot different. I think I have not felt like myself for some time now, and I didn't really know how disconnected I felt. I didn't talk with anyone when I have had friends leave me, my grandpa dying, recent friends leaving to college and on missions and just how the last part of my life that I felt I had connection to was leaving me. I have really noticed the last 3 months especially how I have not been able to feel things when I wanted to, I have not been able to think about what bothers me or process it at all when I wanted to, which has become an issue, and with some of my relationships I have not been able to feel that connection either as a consequence. I have some degree of worry at all times, because I have good and healthy stressors from work I know I need to get done, and some other things that are causing anxiety, but because of those problems I talked about before I haven't been able to process what was bothering me or how to fix it, it was almost like a background noise I just had at all times that I had to work around. My life hasn't really felt real. I haven't been dreaming much at all which I think is good. The last time I had similar experiences to these I did not know it but I had a really hard time distinguishing between my dreams and my reality. I think I haven't been remembering dreams because I have been sleeping extremely deeply. My sleep is pretty impacted by my mood, especially the last 3 years. I tend to not sleep at all when things get bad, which is not healthy. I have a hard time eating too. It's not because of an overwhelming depression, it's almost like it is easy for me to feel bad physically. I want to, to some extent, it explains to me WHY I feel bad. I don't know why I'm that way. Things are starting to get better, though. I have had friends that are leaving recently, some of which cut contact almost entirely, which bothered me but I am getting over it. I have a fair amount of stress about school but I feel like I can manage it. I am reading more, I am playing the piano and in my free time I've been watching movies and playing Mario bros Wii instead of scrolling social media, which as silly as it sounds has been very grounding for me too. I still feel like with this new perspective I don't really know who I am, or if I like who I am at all. I almost feel like a stranger when I really get a perspective of myself in my head. Im not sure what prompted me to type this all, but actively talking about what I am thinking about and feeling is something I hope grounds me. I still have a lot of anxiety that my entire life or reality is slipping out of my grasp. That's not really the best way for me to explain or put it, but I don't know how else to say it. Life is strange.

I think the only thing that has helped me at all is that I really try my hardest to stay loving. I try to find love for everyone, especially when I am feeling my worst. I acknowledge so much love for my friends, I feel like I have real friends for the first time since I was in elementary school. And even know I know they probably won't be permanent, and I am transitioning into a part of my life where friendships will never look the same, I have appreciation that I could have this, even if it wasn't for long. I have a lot of love for music, and other forms of art. I have a lot of love for storytelling, whether that's in music or movies, or tv shows, or books. That is what bothered me the most. I have been so disconnected for so long I could not feel the same love I could, and that had been helping me from completely losing it. I knew that it was there, or a muted version of it, but I could not feel it. It was like if a feeling was turned into a dull roar. It was like having it behind a glass wall.

Something interesting that has been really helping me recently that I have a lot of love for are quotes. I save them everywhere every time I run into them. There are select quotes from poetry or movies that impact me, but there are mostly some sayings and phrases that I've seen on instagram and Pinterest that I have really connected with. I don't know if everyone has seen the format, but what I've liked most are those images of different things with text overlaying it in white. A simple arial font. That's not the only format of quotes that I like but it is kind of the most recurring thing. Some I really like are: "It's going to be okay, but it's going to be different." Are you gonna cowboy up or are you just going to lay there and bleed" "and so I process grief by running from it- until it finds me in the middle of the street on a beautiful summer's day" "we've come to warn you about the dangers of self-isolation when things get difficult" "The world is cruel, therefore I won't be" and "but we cannot sit and stare at our wounds forever". It might seem silly and it probably is but to be completely honest I do not care. I am not horribly attached to those but I do like them and I am not scared to say that. That also might sound silly, but the same things applies.

 

I love you

 

"Dear _____,
I wanted to share some thoughts I've been holding onto, refelcting how I've been feeling lately. The past few months have been difficult, and I've been trying to process emotions that come up day to day, but that i don't always mange to express.
It's painful to remember feeling valued in a relationship, only for it to end and leave me with an emptiness I don't know how to fill. Some nights, loneliness and sadness weigh heavily, and I fear I'll eventually break down in ways I can't control. While sometimes I feel like disappearing, It's more a desire to escape this state of mind, to step away from feeling trapped in this cycle."

That, is a snippet of a letter i wrote to a friend of my father, who is a therapist. I wrote it back in 2024, and never sent it. I was scared. Scared of my feelings, scared of others seeing me as weak, scared of people caring about me. Sometimes we, as men, don't talk about our feelings, because it is seen as weak, but it actually isn't. One of my friends told me the other day that his relationship with his gf started improving the second he started talking about it with us, or other people, because he could get a second opinion, or a new point of view. It's important we talk about our feelings because we can't just hold them in forever, that sh*t piles up, and it will eventually explode.

I really get what you say when you talk about dissasociation, because it also happens to me. Especially when uni starts. Days just go by without me even noticing, thats why i hate routine. Sometimes i feel like im living life in third person, like if im seeing myself from the top of my head. When we are feeling a lot of things, or something very hard to process, such as people we care about leaving us, its common to just stop feeling things, curl up into a ball and protect ourselves from the outside world, i do it too. You have to break that, and feel things, get hurt, heal, and move on. You also gotta accept that life keeps moving, and its not gonna wait for us. It's also important to not distract oursleves from what is hurting us, as you said with physical problems. We gotta acknowledge what it is and work to heal from it.

I love the quote that says "Man is by nature a social animal" that Aristotle said. You are gonna make friends, and you are gonna lose them too, that's life. I was talking to my best friend last week, and he asked me about my last relationship, i told him, and then he asked me if I missed her, I told him that whenever i remembered her, or i saw any of her stories, I just remembered that time as one of the happiest times in my life. It's important to remember people by the good things they did to us, and how happy they made us feel and not as people that left us, or hurt us. It's important, because if we just remembered people as those who hurt us, we would hate half of the population of the earth. So, whenever you remember any of your old friends, even if they cut all contact, remember them as a happy time in your life, and by the fun things you did together. That's the best way to do it.

The fact that you stay loving, even after what life has done to hurt you, really shows your strength. It's really hard to forgive and to love, it's the hardest thing to do. But please, do me a favor and never stop loving. That may save you one day, because people do notice, let me tell you, and life will eventually pay you back. Also, the world is really in need of some love, because this world is full of hatred, and finding love is really hard, so please never stop loving.

I'm just gonna repeat it, you are a really strong person, who has gone through a lot, but you shouldn't be going through all of this alone, find someone to open up, please, don't let it pile up, i know how that feels. You are an amazing person, and life treats you like sh*t, and you deserve all the love and happiness that comes your way, and more. You deserve to be happy. I love you.

 

i love you too