Pour Your Heart Out

Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV):

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Psalm 34:18 (NIV):

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

 

MY HEART IS MOVING IN EACH DIRECTIOOOOOOOOON THE SOULS OF THE LOST ARE NEAR MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE *dramatic emo ahh music*

 

while i enjoy your encouragement, please try and keep this thread to a semi-serious matter, i would love to keep this place a safe space for anyone to open up, thank you!

 

im in a healthy relationship with a girl but we cant be official bc were too young

 

Uh what

 

bc im only 14 lol

 

i have always felt like the ugly duck amongst the others, this has been an issue ive had since elementary school. I changed my personality to fit in, but people seem to forget about me a lot. Nothing i tried ever really stuck in my friends' heads, even those i knew since grade 7 when i moved schools and into high school (my school is from grade 7 to 12). Not even my words in my debut album were enough. yes my music was experimental and faulty, but i was transparent with my mental problems, including my suicidal intent, which still has its remnants on my mind.

i dont understand the world and how they socialize. i feel alienated bc everytime i talk a sense of awkwardness follows and kills the conversation. ive tried again and again, but while going along with my friends in some happy-go-lucky way, deep down theres pent up anger and frustration. honestly idk anymore but i find a little bit more solace when people do remember me

 

no you can commit, most of my friends started younger but still actually showed maturity

 

I've been holding this for way too long now.

In about two weeks, 2 years will have passed since my ex broke up with me. Not like it matters to me anymore or anything, I honestly couldn't care less about her, or our relationship. But, for some reason, that breakup has left me without the ability to make friends with girls. I know this sounds silly, but let me explain. Every time I start talking to a girl in my class, i.e., after a while i get this anxious feeling that makes me turn away from that said friendship, I stop responding to messages, and become colder in person. The reason why this happens is because there's a part of me that is trying to keep me safe, because I'm scared that I'll grow more and more attached to said person, and I'm scared they will hurt me again. So i just turn around and stop trying. And its not like I want to have a girlfriend right now, I don't, because I'm not mentally ready for it as it shows, but I do wanna be friends with them, and there's always that part of me that pulls me away from having a converstation or anything. I'm also really scared about what other people think of me, like, I don't want people feeling like I'm a weirdo or anything, because I also hate not fitting in, It's something that happened to me through all of highschool and I don't want it happening again. Even my friends push me to talk to women, but I just can't. I'm really afraid of getting hurt again, and I'm also really scared that is gonna keep me from having a family one day.

There's another thing that has been bothering me lately. Man f*ck anxiety. It's the worst. Just when you thought you had finally stopped having anxious episodes, just when your hands stopped shaking, just when your head stopped going at 200 mph about everything, it comes back and destroys your life a little bit more. I was diagnosed with anxiety by a doctor back in august, but i know I've had it for well over 4 years now. And yes, nowadays its not the worst its ever been, but its not exactly a great feeling. My biggest problem with it, is that its such a destructive feeling, because slowly it goes destroying everything around, all your relationships with friends, your studies, your relationship with your parents,... And I always try and keep my head occupied with mundane things, like burying myself in studies, or going to the gym, or listening to music, when all i wanna do is go to my bed, curl up and cry myself to sleep. I get up everyday and put on my fake smile mask and go on with my day, smiling at people, making them think that I'm really happy and everything, when in reality, I've got a lump in my throat and my mind is killing me every second. Also, can't tell my parents, because I've got everything i need, and if i need anything else, i ask for it and i get it, so I can't be sad, that would make me seem ungrateful! I've gone through a lot in my life, and I can't tell no one. Only 2 people know my full story, and everything that goes on in my head, and one of them doesn't care about me, and I don't wanna worry the other one, none of them are my parents or part of my family. I always say to see the good in life, search for the color, but sometimes life is so gray and so dull its unbearable. I hate going to college everyday, and then come home and be on the verge of crying for 2 hours until i compose myself again. I take all this sh*t everyday, and keep piling it up and piling it up, until I explode, and start having panic attacks, again, or until something worse happens. And i don't want that to happen man, I would never do it in my own self, I know how many people I would hurt, and how much sadness it would cause. At night, when it all becomes so unbearable and I can't sleep, I lay there, and start rethinking my life decisions, and what was that made me have these sort of thoughts right now. I should be a happy kid, right? I don't live in poverty, my parents are happily married, I don't have any terminal illness, I even have a plan for what I want to do in the future. But the anxiety is always there, and always keeps coming back. And I don't know what to do anymore, I've tried everything my doctor recommended. I just wanna be happy again, its been so long since I've been actually happy.

There's days when I can't take it anymore, and I just wanna scream very loudly, and let everything out, cry for hours and then sleep for 2 days straight. Or maybe sleep forever and never wake up. I'm tired.

 

1 Peter 5:7
Philippians 4:6-7
You don't have to go through this alone. Keep going, and know that God sees your pain and cares deeply for you. Even when things feel dark, there's hope, and you have a purpose that’s beyond your current struggles.
I’m praying for your strength and peace. You've got this, and you're not alone.

 

its official - im a failure
1st quarter i had all A and Bs and got honor roll but now 2nd quarter i had an C in all my classes, which im actually kinda stoked abt considering most were in 60% and i brought them up, and i got an E and a D in two of my midterms. i fcking suck. im constantly not focused and i think i have an addiction to reels and fcking play random
e; i also have like a lot of assignments overdue and im on frhd, and im constantly staying up past 4am "trying" to do some work and failing bc youtube is right there. most assignments im turning in lately are opened at 3am, turned in at 4, and use chat gpt for 98% I currently have 9 assignments pending, and thats why my '2025 track' isnt out

 

14s fine, lots of people are official then, some of my friends started dating at 13 lol. Least you can get a girlfriend, every girl I've ever liked who's liked me back has moved away, left the school, ended up hating me, stopped liking me/got a boyfriend, or I can't talk to them for numerous reasons. My luck f*cking sucks lol

 

What do you mean by "ugly duck"? And why is there a pent-up anger and frustration when you're with your friends?

That is quite a situation you are dealing with. It must suck to be in such a difficult position for so long, to decide whether to gamble on something so important. But I think it's worth it to try again. As dangerous as it might seem, the reality is that there are many people out there, and you've only met a small fraction of them. It's okay for you to guard your heart as you hopefully slowly heal, and to just take it slow and be cautious in getting to know people, but I don't think you should shy away from all relationships, especially platonic ones. In times of doubt, pray to God and ask him for guidance.

I haven't really experienced so much anxiety in my life, much less constant anxiety, so I can only imagine what it's like to wear your shoes, to be constantly worried about one thing or the other. It makes sense as to how it would pretty much mess everything up when you can't focus on the positive things in the present and have to only think about future problems. As for faking your smile and "happy nature," there is always a time and place. Obviously, don't go around complaining about your Big Mac not having enough lettuce at a funeral, but don't also keep your complaints only to yourself. People should value your authenticity and not only want to be around you when you're happy.
Also, no, you don't have to be happy if you have money. It sure contributes a lot by getting you the materialistic stuff you might want, but there's also a lot of stuff money can't buy. There's a lot more to life than just money. Asking for a healthy relationship with someone isn't as simple as shopping online for a new laptop.

Well, that's without a doubt a lot of stuff piled up on a not so good schedule. Do you know what changed from your first quarter to your second quarter?

 

idrk phone usage increase probably is a big factor
e; I guess I got too cocky and just started slacking off more because I thought q2 was gonna be the same

 

I'm not a very productive person either, so take my suggestions lightly, but you can try
getting your work done during school,
downloading an app that only allows you to spend a certain amount of time on your phone,
changing your environment, like heading to a library after school to do homework or staying at the school library for a bit,
deleting whatever apps might be distracting you,
or calling a friend to do homework together, either at home or at a physical location.
Maybe they'll help, I dunno. Hopefully you can change your habits. Feel free to give us updates as you work on it.

 

thanks man this helps, I appreciate your good ideas, will do updates

 

I know that this might not be what you want to hear right now, but I just read every word you wrote down, and I really appreciate what you've said here. These feelings you are having are unbelievably relatable to me right now, and I feel pretty much the same way about my life right now. Honestly, I don't have much else to say because I'm stuck in this too. But you're not alone with these feelings.

 

it's hard to not cut myself sometimes

 

So relatable. My face is all scarred up from doing that.

 

why?