Pour Your Heart Out

tw; I made a post here a while ago, and honestly, I’m still scared to post here for the same reason. But I feel like I need to post somewhere about this. This is gonna be kinda a story thing because I don’t know how else to put anything going on rn into words.

Since I was born, my dad was abusive to my mother and my siblings. He used to hit them in front of me, and I was a baby and had no idea what was happening. My dad was addicted to methamphetamine (my mom was too, but she never laid a hand on me and my siblings). When I turned about 3, he started becoming physically and mentally abusive toward me, too. He would hit us and throw things at us, but he would hit us on the top and back of our heads no one would see the bruises and marks he left on us. He would figure out our insecurities and fears and exploit them over and over again. One of the only memories I still remember to this day from my early childhood is my dad holding and telling me that he wanted to kill my mother. This carried on until I was about 13 and was able to leave. But before that, when I was about 7, my mom went to work but she never actually made it to work. I still don’t know what happened to her, but I don’t think she’s dead. I have no reason to not think she’s dead, though.

Anyways, when I turned 13, I was able to leave my dad and I was adopted by my aunt and uncle (or my mom and dad, now). I was finally safe, but I wasn’t okay. I didn’t feel like a person, I felt like an object to be exploited and used as something to hit when you’re angry. So I started cutting and burning my arms and legs to feel something. When I hurt myself, I felt good and I felt human. I didn’t feel okay until I was able to cut myself again. It felt as if hurting myself made my anxiety and emptiness go away. Eventually when I was 14, I tried to hang myself and failed, and my parents found out.

They got me help. I started talking to a therapist and getting treatment and eventually I started feeling alive again. I stopped feeling the need to harm myself and I was clean for about a year and a helf. I started writing music and it helped me express myself and helped me cope. My biological dad is still in prison btw. But recently, starting sometime last year, my depression has been relapsing and I’ve been getting urges to hurt myself again. A couple days ago I tried cutting myself again and I don’t want to but I want to so bad and I don’t know what to do.

 

That's one rough upbringing, to say the least. I'm sorry you had to go through so much, but you're definitely very strong for overcoming it all. If you're still in contact with the therapist, or are still meeting with them, I think it would be good to let them know what's going on. This may or may not help, but if you're feeling like cutting yourself because you still feel like you're being treated like a punching bag, maybe it could feel good to hit back. Not hit other people, but beating up a punching bag or pillow or something might help. If you're still writing music, you could produce something that you feel expresses your emotions, or listen to other people's music. Sorry for the late reply, but you're welcome to talk to me if you think that would help.

 

Keep strong and be positive and thrive for the good thinks it’s tough just make sure to not let those tough thinks hold you back you are more then you think your Precious

 

A study from the European Journal of Social Psychology found an average of 66 days was required to form a habit. That's almost 1/5 of the year. So before you decide to start doing something, think about how it will affect your year and things in life. The earlier you get out of it, the more balance you'll have in the things you do in 2024.

 

Spoiler: I have some things to say.

You can’t open up about anything in this f-cked up world we live in. The only exception is here, really. I’ve tried to open up in more places, I really did, but people don’t care and will do anything in their power to tear you down and make you feel even worse and more worthless than you already felt. When you finally start to get better and your mental health starts to become less bad, there’s always billions of people to reverse it. My therapist isn’t helping me like she used to, my aunt and uncle have, to my knowledge, stopped giving a sh-t about me, I’m cutting myself more, and I’m stuck here. My anger issues and violent tendencies have escalated a lot. It’s so bad that the slightest inconvenience sets me off and I have to control myself from hurting others, so I hurt myself instead. I’m scared. I overheard my aunt talking on the phone about sending me to some hospital, and I don’t wanna go. I can only help myself but I don’t want to. I feel like I f-cking deserve this. Everything that happens to me is already planned out and I’m forced to go the direction decided for me, and that direction is to the deepest pits of hell. I don’t know what to do. I’m sorry.

 

Maybe it's a good thing that you do go to a hospital. From what you've described in this message, it seems that you're already a danger to yourself and others, so it makes sense to give you the proper care by getting you into a hospital. At the hospital, people will be trained to be kind and patient with you, to listen to your thoughts and provide the necessary care and advice you need. You might feel that you're the only one that understands what's going on, and that no one else will be able to help you heal in whatever way, but I think you'll be proven different by the hospital staff. I'm sorry to hear that your therapist doesn't seem to be right for you, and that your aunt and uncle aren't caring about you. If they aren't able to help you, I think it's definitely a good idea to get yourself into the hands of medical professionals or get a new therapist. I hope all goes okay for you.

 

everybody on freerider supports you for who you are and to think that this is who you are behind the screen is just so insane to me. im sorry we couldnt have been more supportive of your mental health and i really hope you get better soon. i know its a struggle and it seems like a terrible thing to go through. we all give many shits about you and you are valued. you are a great person and i sincerely hope you find your way in life

 

Yesterday this lady played Taylor swift in a car I was in and that kinda sucked

 

<3

 

I got diagnosed with psychotic depression yesterday

 

I googled psychotic depression and it seems that you're struggling with some extreme form of depression, or whatever it is. The image on Wikipedia is quite dark, and I sure hope you're coping with this depression okay. Have they given you any medicine or whatever to help with this disorder?

 

I'm taking abilify and some other thing that i don't remember the name of and am too lazy to find out rn since its 9pm

 

im so sorry ck9c i hope you feel better

 

It may seem like it sometimes, but you are not stuck. There are people that care about you even if it doesnt seem like it. Your aunt and uncle do care about you, they might just have some trouble expressing it. And I know for sure everyone on freerider cares about you. I know this is cliche but theres always light at the end of the tunnel. Its true, you will get better. Just think about the future. You're 17 years old right now. Once you turn 18, you can move out, get a job, and live your life. Hang out with some supportive friends that make you laugh. You will get better, its only a matter of time.

 

That's good, I just wanted to know if you were getting some sort of medicine to help with your hallucinations and whatnot. I hope they help, and I'll be praying for you.

 

Thank you

 

Idk if I should get a girlfriend or not. I get like red faced whenever someone talks about girls and me, and i think that will happen a lot if I have a girlfriend. Im not actually embarrassed i think it’s just how my brain and body works or something. Also whenever someone says im blushing I never actually was blushing but then they said I was blushing so it made me think about blushing and then I was blushing, I hope that makes sense. I guess I want a girlfriend but I don’t want to get red faced whenever someone brings it up. There is this one girl who said she liked me like last year or something, and I’m beginning to like her too. So I don’t know if when or how I should tell her that I like her too. Any advice on how I should go about getting a girlfriend without being red faced whenever someone brings it up. I also sit with her and like five other people at lunch.

 

Honestly, I don't know. From a reddit post, it says to forget about blushing and being anxious, so in other words, I guess convince yourself that it's no big deal to be with a girl or have someone talk about women and you. Maybe someone else who has more experience can help, but that's all I know. Here it is if you want: link

 

Thanks

 

I just wanted to say a little something, i know it may not be helpful, because i've been through mostly of what you guys have been through, and i know that the things I'm about to say may not sound comforting or may not be the ones you want to hear rn, but it's the harsh reality.

2020 was probably, if not 2023, my worst year regarding mental health, and some people in here can confirm that. In 2020 i was at the edge of trowing it all multiple times, but i never really did, i never put myself through it. During that year i felt like i was alone in the world, it felt like no one was there for me, i had anxiety attacks, sleep paralysis, and all those things we all know that come with depression and anxiety. But, there was a little partof my heart that still had a little hope, that things would get better soon, and that tiny amount of hope was what got me trough it, because, with time (and a little bit of your effort) things will get better!, you guys have to trust me on this, please.

In 2020 I used to write a lot in this forum, either talking about myself or trying to help others, and there was a guy, who (sadly) doesn't play anymore who helped me through most of it, he was MadMaxx21. This is also to remind y'all that the people in this game are also real people, who also have mental problems, and also go through most of whatever you guys are going through, so please value the things that are being said in this forum and, of course, always treat others with respect and only give useful advice.

So 2020 post-covid, i was mentally drained and destroyed, but it was my last year in highschool, so I had to make it count, my grades weren't the best, probably, but i made some friends who have stuck with me until now, and i'm in uni now. Those friends, some, don't even go to college, some are in the military, but we stick trough everything, and i know that they are always there for me and i can count on them for anything i need, and viceversa. This is to remind you that you need to make friends! The human being is a social being, it always have been, you cannot pretend to better yourself, if you don't have someone by your side, it's going to be very difficult to escalate the steep mountain of life by yourself. You have to make friends, either in school, outside of school, in church, wherever it is, I don't care, but make friends. Also you have to learn to distinguish between the good friends and bad friends. The good friends are the ones that you can count on for anything you want, the ones that push you away from your limits, and the ones that want you to grow as a better person. The bad friends are the opposite, they may say that you can count on them, but they always turn your problems into little things (when they are not) or they turn it their way, they are the ones that do not want you to grow, either physically, mentally or academically. This is not easy to tell apart, but as life goes on you will be able to tell them apart.

So between summer 2020 until summer 2021, that's how i coped with my depression, because it hadn't gone yet, depression wont vanish from one day to another, lets be real. I coped with it by going out with my friends and making healthy plans with them. But i never spoke to someone about it, nobody knew. And this is to tell you that you have to speak about it, people are not mages nor clairvoyants, they aren't going to know what you're going through just by looking at your eyes, you have to speak. It's okay if you don't want to speak about it with your parents, i still haven't told them yet, and I think i never will, but you need to get someone to speak about it, it may be a friends, your coach, or even a specialist (its okay to go to therapy, you aren't crazy, you just need help!), whoever you have enough confidence with. Because if you are drowning and you don't scream for help, how are the people supposed to know that they have to help you get out of the water? Talk about it, its okay, everyone has problems, and I'm sure that people will care about them.

Summer 2021. Here's the girlfriend part you all knew was coming. So i asked her out, and she said yes, and those were, probably, (almost) 2 of the best years of my life. I had someone i could trust on blindly, i felt loved, respected and taken care of. I finally had someone who i could tell about all my struggles, and she understood them, and i also did the same for her. It was beautiful, because it was true love. She helped me overcome most of my depression, and i finally experienced inner peace for the first time in more than 2 years. This part here is to remind y'all about two things. One, that there's someone out there for you, wainting for you, for you precisely, i don't wanna bring religion into this but, God has one person prepared for you, and you just gotta trust on Him for that. Two, a girlfriend is not the solution to everything, in fact, it will probably bring you even more problems. Love is not something you decide when it comes in your life, it just appears and you must let yourself be surrounded by it, be softly embraced by the sweet perfume of love, and you cannot do that by turning your heart out to the world, just because you have suffered, it doesn't mean that everything in this world is against you, in fact there are more things in your favor than there are against you. Me, for example, I'm single now, and I don't want a girlfriend rn, but i'm still open to the possibility of it, if the right person comes. I'm not searching for love, but if it finds me, i'm gonna say yes to it.

Big jump, February 2023. This past 1 year and 8 months ive been in a relathionship, until, after some previous roughness, we decided to break up. We were too young, which is something your really have to take into account when going out with someone, we would've had to maintain a relationship for years and years, and that's really really difficult. So as soon as she broke up with me, i absolutely crumbled down. My mental health went back to a state that it hadn't been since 2020, but this time, i had my friends to help me, and that made a really big difference. That same year i had to finish my bachelor's, and i had to take my college entry exam, so that also really helped to distract myself. This time, i could overcome it in about 6 months, and i was clear once again, finally at peace again. Yes, sometimes i do yearn for it, because it was some of the best moments in my life, but we cannot stop there, we have to keep going, life doesn't end there, there's so much more out there to live for, so much more out there to discover, and we have to go for it! I want to make one thing clear, friendship after a relathionship is possible, me and my ex-girlfriend have a great relationship, and talk every other day, but that's because we both wanted it that way, and we were mature enough to not let a break up ruin the great friendship we had!

And as of today, im just living searching for my inner peace, doing whatever makes me feel good. You are the one in charge of your life, not whatever poeple say about you, ar whatever they make you feel. And as i said before, with time (and a little bit of your effort) things will get better!

As always, take care of yourself, remember to drink water, go outside, get some sunlight and exercise a little!

(I'm available for anything you need, just write me a direct message or you can write me in discord (sergioldtg#6202) )