Pour Your Heart Out

isnt ADD and ADHD basically the same thing, except for the hyperactivity part of ADHD?

 

That's really tough. I hope you and your family are able to get past this. And yeah I totally get the thing about middle school. Middle school destroyed my mental health, haha. It happened right during my move across the country, covid, which caused me to lose most of my friends, and caused my depression, so I totally get that. Best of luck to you .

One more thing though, correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe ADHD and ADD and the same thing, ADD is just a more outdated term.

 

ADD stands for Attention Deficit Disorder, and ADHD stands for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. The difference is that some people don't have the hyperactivity part, but I guess ADD is just an outdated term for it.

 

this is what i found.
There are several forms of ADHD, including impulsive, inattentive, and combined. Having any or all of these symptoms will qualify you as having ADHD.

 

yeah.

 

It's what the doctors said. I dunno.

 

They probably said something like: You have have the inattentive version of ADHD, which is similar to the outdated term of ADD. I have no idea, something like that lol.

 

I don't remember. It was a little bit ago, haha.

 

I guess what's really getting to me is knowing that I'm never going to be happy again. I am constantly looking backwards, and am reminded of when i was happy. When i could run around, when people wanted to be around me. When i could play on stupid playgrounds and read stupid books and have a stupid summer break with stupid friends that actually cared about me. Im sick of lying in bed trying not to just lose it because my brain runs at a thousand miles per hour, like a train hurtling down a track towards somebody tied down with the nametag "holding it together". I'm sick of remembering when life was fun. I'm sick of being such a horrible brother and son even though im trying so hard. I'm ruining my families lives and mines already gone. I just want somebody to just be my friend. I'm sick of being the backup guy that people only call to be around when everyone else is busy.

 

And I genuinely despise the fact that I ever lived. It's ridiculous to think that any of this is necessary. Imagine how much ******* conflict we wouldn't have if we just never existed. it would be better. It would be better if I never existed. If i was never conjured out of the primordial soup by some God, or that my parents never had me.

 

Man, that's painful to hear. I'm so sorry that you're hurting so much. Right now it might seem that there's absolutely no hope for the future and that life will never get better, and that all your eyes can receive is darkness. But there is a light out there. Maybe you're just not close enough to see it yet. Of course, these are just my words, and I understand that it can be hard to believe what I'm saying, especially after you've been through so much. And perhaps this is the tenth time you've heard this kind of stuff like "hang in there" and "don't give up," but the meaning doesn't change. I'm glad you shared this, though. I'll pray for you. I got you.

 

IF YOU NEED HELP, PLEASE PHONE THESE NUMBERS:
988: Suicide and Crisis Lifeline (American based)
13 11 14: Lifeline Australia

======================================================================================================
​

One of my close friends recently had suicidal thoughts. When we see stuff like that online or on the news, it's serious. But I almost laughed at my friend after he said that, I honestly felt ashamed. At least I contained my honest thoughts on the issue, who knew if he was joking or not, he has always been a bit of a joker at times.

The real problem here was that he legitimately told teachers he had suicidal thoughts and they all couldn't give a rat's ass. That's just concerning. When he first told me that, I just stood there trying to think what to say, I didn't want to trigger something that could make these so-called fantasies a reality. I witnessed a teacher ACTUALLY respond to my friend's comments on suicide by saying "That's not very nice". I honestly felt like punching her.

At this point though, it all turned out to be a joke by my friend, he just openly told every teacher about this and you could just tell he was joking. He was happy with his life. But the fact the teachers couldn't take it seriously, even though they suspected it to be a joke, is just wrong. Shouldn't they discipline him for being too open about false suicidal thoughts or in the real case, give him support?

=========================================================================================================

Things take a turn. My friend was having a few rough weeks, he didn't turn up to school some days, and he almost was killed by a car while riding his E-Scooter to school one day. This time, he told me "I just want to kill myself, better than living in this **** world. I wish that car hit me the other day, fudge this ****." The thing is, my friend had a Nationals Competition for cycling in 2 weeks, he put a bet on his life. If he won gold in one of his events, he wouldn't kill himself. If he didn't win, he would, well, disappear from our lives. I shook on this, I made this deal real, I tried denying his cause, and he forced me to accept the fate, both desirable and forbidden.

Even if I said to him "Mate, snap out of it, you need some help", he would still probably kill himself if he didn't win, everything was relying on a couple of bike races. He wasn't a very close friend, but I've known this guy for like 10 years, 10 years! A loss is a loss, both in friendship, state of being and the race, the race that would decide his fate.

I kept up to date with his whereabouts, he was competing in Brisbane (if you don't know, I live in Australia, specifically Melbourne in the state of Victoria). He had a few events, he qualified for the finals for all of them. His whole family had come to watch him, his older brother was also competing in the Open age group, winning an event. He had to ride for his life......

=========================================================================================================

.....I refreshed the results portal on my phone at the time of his race, looked for his event. His name popped up in first position. CHAMPION......

=========================================================================================================

I felt no happiness within me, I was proud of my mate, his family was full of great cyclists on the velodrome and sometimes road racing. I still worried about his wellbeing, I wanted to see him home. At that moment, I started really caring for him, almost as if he was my best friend even though he wasn't. He was just a friend of 10 years, a friend that could possibly take his own life. "We shook on it, it has to be real, he will be fine..."

=========================================================================================================

He returned back home to Melbourne a few days later, he was elated. Not that he won gold at Nationals, but he actually lost his virginity! He was and still is 16 years old. He ended up doing it with a female cyclist he met in Brisbane, it was just for fun, they're likely to never see each other again. He described every moment of it. I was proud of him. Proud in many ways. I didn't listen to the way he did this and did that (you mature people know what I mean), but I watched how he acted and spoke. He was happy. Not that he had sex, but his life was back together. He started participating in class more. It was all I wanted to see. A happy ending...

=========================================================================================================

To this day a month or two later, I still wonder if he was joking about suicide the second time, part of me thinks he wasn't. But tbh, none of that should matter, more should be done about the matter. 132 people worldwide take their own life each day. In most cases, it is avoidable. Although we don't fully understand what goes on inside someone's head, just ask them if they're ok. Give them support, and be proactive, we can't let people slip away no matter their motives. Don't ignore how real this is, it could happen to anyone you know, don't laugh about it no matter the context.

We're all human beings, we must provide help to those doing it tough, as there are infinitely more ways to contribute to suicidal thoughts than methods to kill yourself. Let's narrow that down and be there for people. Most importantly, advertise the issue more so we can directly reach the root of the problem before someone questions their point of living and give them an awareness of their troubles. Life should be worth living, no matter the factors contributing to suicidal thoughts. Everyone should live purely, free of self-trauma and negative society.

Ask, keep them safe, be there, help them connect, stay connected, provide awareness

=========================================================================================================

TPlacella
2/5/2023

 

Sometimes we just need a good cry. Let it out and relieve all the pent up stress and misery that you’ve been trying so hard to keep down. Pm me if you want even, I’ll happily hop on a vc or I’ll even give you my number and we can just talk. I’m sure you’ve heard everything under the moon about what people think might help and opinions on how to “fix” what you’re going though. but I personally think that now, the best thing for you is to have someone just listen and hear what you have to say. Keep your chin up! my pm’s are open if you choose

 

Man I was not expecting a story out of this. Thank you for sharing, I’m really happy to hear your friend is doing better! I hope you’re staying strong homie

 

wouldnt have even considered shaking on that at all if i were you

 

it would have made no difference tbh, it is his mind, he could do anything no matter what I do

 

basically stitching together a rant, hopefully it makes sense. Also a_drain, you've already seen this so if you were planning on reading it you don't have to.

I don't really know how to explain it. But life does seem to be getting worse and worse. I keep screwing up and just being a really rude person to my mom and family. It would be easy to say that I'm having a hard time, or just stressed, but that's really not it. I just keep being a jerk to my family. My outbursts are more and more common, and sometimes they might be justified but in general they aren't. I know that I need to change but I just can't seem to figure it out and I don't know if I can. It's obvious, but I guess recently looking back I've realized how empty life is. It has no meaning. I genuinely don't see a purpose in my life. I do not understand how anything will ever go well. I feel like I'm never going to be happy again. I don't feel like I'm ever going to be hopeful like that. To be able to enjoy life. I've recently come to realize that the term nostalgia has a sweet conotation, of either happy memories or bittersweet. But for me, I am constantly looking back and feeling horrible. Every single night I'm silently screaming into my pillow, just absolutley devestated. I do not understand why I ever came here, why life even needs to exist. I do not understand my purpose at all.

mentions "sewerslide" (open) mentions "sewerslide" (close)

I don't know man, I really don't know what to do. I feel like being around is pointless. I feel horrible for having thoughts like these because my dad has come to me a few times and asked if I'm alright. For example, tonight my dad mentioned how in my old town there was a horrible series of sewerslides (im using this term so it doesn't get "flagged" to my parents) where 12 kids in 1 week jumped off the bridge in town. Or at least most of them did, some might have done it other ways. He mentioned that if I ever feel that way that he really wants me to talk to him, or have him get someone for me to talk to. And a couple months ago he talked about how he never wants to wake up one day and know that that happened to one of his kids. I feel so guilty for feeling this way. That's another reason why I'm horrible.

mentions sh (open) mentions sh (close)

I just don't understand why it's so bad for me to hurt myself. I genuinely want to so bad, and when I'm so stressed out and silently screaming like i told you i do most nights that feels like the solution. I can either have internal torture or external pain. It feels like such an obvious solution. I stopped, and I'm trying not to but I genuinely do not get why it's bad for me to do anymore. I wish so bad that my parents didn't care about me. that i was a no one that could just dissapear and not hurt anyone ever again, or not hurt anyone by leaving.

From here on is new stuff:

All in all life just feels pointless. I don't understand why I'm even supposed to try anymore. I'm sick of being so awkward. No one likes me being around, and especially whenever I feel good. I swear, any time I am ever anywhere in the vicinity of feeling normal everyone calls it annoying. I don't think I'm ever going to find a set of people that want me for me. My parents don't, my friends don't, no one does. I'm sick of not fitting in and I'm sick of not getting invited anywhere to do anything. I'm sick of only having a small friend group of whom consists no one that really cares about me at all. I'm sick of feeling like I want to cry 24/7 but never being able to. I'm sick of feeling out of place just in the way I feel. Both when it comes to my religion and me as a person. I'm sick of being the odd one out. I didn't used to be introverted. I didn't used to have social problems. People made me this way. I'm exhausted man. I thought that once I finished testing things would finally feel okay. They don't. They never do. I've been waiting for things to "get better" since covid hit. Nothing has been okay since I moved. I am so sick of making stupid jokes that no one likes. Im so sick of having to sit in silence for fear that everyone is going to judge me. Im sick of being so weak even though I try so hard. Im sick of always being tired. Im sick of having pointless reasons to feel sick, when I know so many people are struggling so much more. Im sick of friends leaving. Im sick of people forgetting about me, but knowing if I ever did anything to myself it would hurt them. Im sick of not finding joy in anything I do. I feel so hollow all the time. I feel out of place. I just want to be me, and when I am me I want to be happy. But everyone wants that. Why can't I just be good looking, or socially apt, or any of these things. Im trying so hard. My parents are always coming to me and asking "why don't you go do stuff" and it pisses me off because im trying so hard. i want to do stuff. I want to be seen. i want to laugh in a big group of people. I want to go back to when I had friends and we could just play during the summer at my old house. i want to run around the stupid neighborhood playing stupid games. I want to be able to be happy. Ive tried so many things. I wrote a gratitude journal which basically just made me feel like Im being stupid for feeling this way. I tried meditation, keeping a clean room, working out. Im still doing a lot of those things. But it's so hard to even do these things when I can barely brush my teeth every day. I'm so behind in everything it feels like the entire world is crushing down on me. How do you guys grow up. How do people grow up. i don't get it, i genuinely don't. I have so much freaking pain every time I look backwards at all. Both mentally and physically. I usually end up over thinking and I don't know what's happening but my chest starts hurting. at first its like normal, oh, rush of feelings, but then it gets worse and worse and it spiderwebs everywhere and my body usually ends up shaking. When it gets really bad it's almost like I'm seeing the world in third person, feeling like im someone inside of my head watching it happen. Its hard to explain. I think that I'm emotionally stunted or something. I feel like I haven't grown a day since I moved. Im sick of feeling like a burden on everyone. I keep hurting people. I don't know. I need sleep. I have a lot to say but this just sums up how i feel right now

okay good night

 

I genuinely care about you, even though I don’t know you very well. I also have never really felt that you were awkward and I always like it when you’re around, whether it be here on the forums, on frhd, the frhd discord server, or dms. I think that it’s possible that you could be overthinking what others are thinking of you. I like you. Your family likes you. Your friends like you. Almost Everyone on this game likes you except for the haters who hate on everyone, not just you. God likes you. He loves you bro. I fasted for you today, and I will start praying nightly for you. I hope things get better for you soon broski :] <3

 

Xenom there are millions of us just like you. Don't ever give up.

 

Small update here: Don't really know where else to put this, but I wanted to say it. We actually managed to get together and it's actually really helped with my depression. Hope I can manage to keep the relationship going, she's one of the few people who I know really care about me.