Pour Your Heart Out

no,in 7th grade

 

oh.

 

why "oh"?

 

zach didnt know and for most people it ends at 6th grade

 

What ends in 6th grade?

 

elementary school

 

This timing is actually kind of interesting. I was planning to make a post today and people started replying to me again…
Anyway time to respond to stuff

After multiple months of searching me and my parents found somewhere that I might be able to get therapy. On Wednesday we had a video call with someone and they asked me some questions. She too told me to make the knives hard to access. She also said that I would most likely move up the wait list faster. Perks of having a suicidal voice in your head I guess. We don’t know exactly when it will start or where it will be yet but we’ve gotten things moving.

As I looked through this I realized that this would be where the peaceful part ends. Now this post will be out of order but I don’t give a fuc.k.

General timeline is that the first section that I’ve just written was made after the second one. When I was in a better state of mind. Second section it everything that was going through my head when things happened. Any other sections after the second one will be written last. I most likely will not be in a good state of mind.


IT ******* LIED TO ME. ITS A LIAR. IT SAID IT WOULD LET ME SLEEP AND CALM DOWN AND IT LIED. ITS A LIAR. I PUT THE KNIFE IN AND IT LIED. TO ME.

Im done. Thats it im just done. Break starts now. Gonna shut up and just not exist for a while. Thats it.

As of yesterday it had never once broken it’s word. It lies all the time bit of I have it’s word then I don’t need to worry. It said it wouldn’t put me through hell for 50 days. It said it would forgive me for getting help. It said I just needed a tiny bit of blood and it ******* lied. The feeling of having a knife in your hand to stab yourself with is not good. Your hand shakes and it starts to sweat. You think to yourself holy **** what am I doing and you keep going. Over 20 times I tried over about half an hour. Couldn’t do it. I pushed hard. Thing is the skin on your cheek is thick and I didn’t want to push too hard and puncture something. It was hurting more then if I had just drawn blood on the first try. It says that blood is blood and that I could get it from anywhere. So I use brute force and give my self a bloody nose. It says I can go to sleep. It says it won’t get bad. It says it will be the same. It gives me it’s word. AND IT LIED.

People relpied saying “no knife” and **** literally hours too late. Yes knife. But only once. Never again. Gretting it the fudge out of my room? No blood either. No self harm anymore. That was a nightmare.

At first I didn’t even beleive it. I thought to myself 50 days? No way I’ll be gone that long. I don’t care that it’s punishing me for getting help. It’s gonna be a week max. And it was the truth. Things are going to decline from here on out.


That’s it. I’m gone. That was all I had to say. I don’t care if it’s out of order and confusing. People asked. People received.


This’ll be my last post for a while. Maybe there’ll be one from time to time but I’m not gonna talk to people for now. Keep in mind I’m not gonna be dead or anything. Just invisible. You better beleive my last played won’t hit anything more than five days. I’m gonna visualize all this in a track maybe. All though I won’t upload it. Anyway. See you in june when I can start to recover.



I’m out.

 

Bro take it easy. We all need a break sometime my dude. Trust me, it'll do a lot of good.

 

I’m glad your taking it easy but it worries me that you won’t post anymore. I want you to stay safe. My prayers go out to you, if it is any consolation.

 

Sometimes i

 

(side question; what is your main language if you are using a translator?)

 

portuguese,i'm from brazil

 

Oh cool!

 

Anyways, now my problem. Recently, I've noticed my parents like to verbally and emotionally abuse me. We often fight and they insist that I am depressed and insist on a bunch of shi.t even if it is false. They like to trigger my emotions even though I'm not that much of an emotional person. If you have questions or want to talk just ask me on here or pm me

 

have you ever just said "im not depressed" (you probably have) and if so, how did that go?

 

They might not be verbally abusing you, they might just be parents. Insisting that you are depressed, while you might not like it, might be better for you than them ignoring you. What do you mean by “trigger emotions”? I’m not saying everything they are doing is right, but calling it abuse might be overstepping. I have lots of parent problems as well so if you ever want to dm me feel free


Edit: why do they think you are depressed? And if you aren’t why do they insist on saying you are? There is a difference between someone asking “are you depressed” all the time and someone saying “you are depressed”.

 

I have stated that I'm not depressed and they fight me on it. I would be totally open to admitting that I was depressed, but I personally believe that I'm not depressed. I may look sad sometimes, but I'm not.

 

Another thing that might be confusing is there is a BIG difference between feeling depressed and having depression. You can say that you are simply an introvert, or just feel sad sometimes. Also lastly I would recommend considering if you really are depressed and you continue to lie to yourself about it.

 

oh dude i understand it,when you just want to be sad,or just do nothing,and they think that you are depressed or you have some kind of problem,but for me,i just explained that i was ok,that i was just acting normal,and they stoped to asking me

 

Also while I am eternally grateful for this thread, I can’t stress enough that THIS IS NOT A HEALTHY LONG TERM SOLUTION. Online interactions cannot only confuse and anger you, they can lead to all sorts of problems irl.