Pour Your Heart Out

Sorry for just kind of ignoring what is going on I didn’t read it and I’m not in the best state to help someone else but I’ll try to say something soon.

 

Bro don’t feel an obligation. Help if you want to but help yourself first right now. It’s not selfish, just self help.

 

mbcool When you said like zero people care I get it but it might not be entirely true. I don't know you like at all and I have my own issues so I wasn't thinking about an update but I would definitely be interested when you post something and I'm in a state of mind where I can say something about it. I can relate to wanting sui.cide but not self-harm. I don't understand the progression, but it seems like that would progress. So as multiple people have said, get the knife out of the room. Force yourself if you have to. Wayward made a really really good point about making it difficult to get to. There was one time when I was thinking of jumping off my roof and I got up from where I was sitting and I think I moved forward a bit but then I sat back down. If I was thinking about doing it with a knife, and the knife was within the reach of those steps, I don't know for sure what would've happened. You really need to see a psychiatrist because it sounds like you medicine for hearing that voice. The one area where I am absolutely pro-medicine is where there are psychosis-related things like hearing a voice, seeing things, etc. I would look to a psychiatrist mainly for the medicine; they're more useful for that than opening up to I think. You need to tell them about the voice. I used to be on medicines for things that are somewhat similar to that, and they seemed to work. I actually lost touch with reality completely then, and it doesn't look like you have, so I would think the medicine would definitely work on that.

edit: I would like to say more regarding the emotional aspect but I have quite a bit of a headache. I'll make sure to say this though. Without any hope, it will be awfully hard to find purpose. I find hope in eternal life through Jesus Christ. Personally, I would recommend looking for hope there.

Besides hope, as someone said before (maybe wayward again) self-care is extremely important. I can guarantee you it is way more important than you think. I would recommend eliminating foods that don't sit very well with you. Try to get any kind of exercise and try to find someplace comfortable outside of home. Variety of setting is very important to me. I highly recommend music. Music that acknowledges negative things but hopes in positive things would probably work best for you.
This song helped me through things A LOT. My favorite lines are "Save me from the part of me that's begging to die" and "can't block it out when it's coming from inside."

The part where I can empathize and not entirely know what to tell you is a mind-related thing that is at least seemingly uncontrollable. I am struggling with being pulled back into paranoia/disconnect from reality. As much as I hate to talk about that, I mentioned it to my mother because there is the potential of just losing touch with reality and never coming back. Life is very, very hard. I would recommend asking God for help, I really would. I can't make it through this life without him. Sure he can be called an imaginary sky daddy but considering your honestly dire circumstance I would highly recommend seeking him. He gave his life for you. Jesus can give you healing, forgiveness, joy, and anything you need.

And besides spiritual things, practical self-care, as corny as it might sound is soooooo important for your emotions. Some things that help me are being thoughtful about my diet, getting outside, and opening up to people I trust.

 

Again, I'm gonna say, Jesus can forgive you of whatever you are guilty of. It is unhealthy to carry whatever guilt you have, legitimate or illegitimate. I totally relate to the sad thing when coming home from school. I honestly don't know what to tell you about that because I still do it. I often have pain in my chest due to anxiety and I had it checked at a hospital but everything is fine and it's just from anxiety. I get intense pain in the left side of my chest up to the left side of my neck, and it was really bad recently regarding my own situation which I have mentioned previously. There are flaws in literally everything. Anything that makes you happy will end and never be enough. That's why I will recommend anyone struggling to look to Jesus for any permanently positive underlying mental state (i.e. joy). I deal with embarrassment a lot, I probably can't help you there. I've never used drugs either and I understand the feeling that things like school are drugs. I can only say I understand about certain things because I still do certain things. I ALSO have terrible hearing and do the same thing as you and it can really ruin a lot of moments. I am working on improving my communication verbally and with listening. I sort of get the robot thing too. One line from a song I like that I will share is "All the words that leave my tongue / feel like they came from someone else."
(warning: it's a sad song, but it's good.)

Right now, I am feeling a lot of guilt regarding my ex's emotional struggle. But it's not even my fault. And I get the impression that you are taking on too much guilt; you may not be guilty at all for a lot of things you are thinking about.

 

thank you so much

 

I think Shamato and probably others said this but probably the best thing you can do is offer for her to talk to you. Almost entirely listening with little input, but still with engagement is probably the best you can do.

 

no,i've discovered out that she was joking...

 

If you said that already, and I'm assuming you did, I didn't get to it yet. That is a horrible thing to do and it trivializes this extremely serious issue. To take that kind of joke that far is disgusting.

 

I'm not an expert in abusive relationships, but that sounds like one to me. I'd recommend leaving her dude. And I understand leaving someone as I have done it very recently. As much as you might think she's worth it, she's not. Not if she treats you like that.

 

I said this to her best friend, and he was impressed, he said he cried a lot when she said that, and now he feels like a fool because he cared about her and she was making fun of him, but like, she she said that as if it were true, even though I said "stop playing with it" she replied "but I'm really going to kill myself" and put a crying emoji, I don't know why she did that

 

oh my gosh dude that is so manipulative

edit: If you're looking for "the one," I don't think she's it.

 

idk how she could manipulative,wdym?
How can lying that you're going to commit suicide be a manipulative thing?

 

She is playing with (manipulating) your emotions. At least it seemed that way. If she really is joking, she is defintely doing that.

 

But for as long as I've lived with her, I don't think she would ever be able to do that, I wanted to know, not why she does it, but why people do it, to play with other people's feelings.

 

I didn't know you were living with her; this complicates things. I don't really know what to say to this and I don't know what's going on with her. Unfortunately I honestly think I'm burnt out of writing in this thread for the moment.

 

no I don't live with her, it was the translator's mistake, and that's ok, I understand, we need some time to breathe and relax, thanks for the help man, it was really good

 

"the one" isn't going to be found till after high school, most likely, or at least if it is its not going to be found during the early years. Maybe the senior year, or maybe junior.

 

idk what do you mean,but,should i get scared?

 

I'm in the final years of elementary school

 

like in 6th grade?