Pour Your Heart Out

The only reason why we show “hate” to people on this thread is if they make dumb decisions on it. And lately that’s the majority of what’s been posted on this thread and I’m truly sorry for having that be your main take away of this thread. Those of us who care about it try our best to preserve it and to those seeking help, will only be responded with kindness and, hopefully, usefulness.

 

No I understand, but I have little to never used this thread, and haven’t been around long at all, and wanted to know.

 

Thank you for the tips, I’ll definitely have to read throughout the past posts. You seem like the nicest person I know (sidewalk might be just a tad nicer, I’m still measuring ) so I’ll try to keep in mind that I can dm you.

the majority of this is trying to get the weight of the last three years of absolute crap off of my chest. The jigs up, and I want to just finally tell somebody something. Idk how this will work, and if I’m gonna get in trouble irl from my helicopter parents after they read all this, but it’s something I need to say. I’ll probably post later today when I have like an hour of straight free time to finally put my thoughts down.

 

Just came out of a burned out week. Now I can relax, eat, and sleep properly

 

Time to start writing, I guess. I apologize for any typos or errors in understanding, I am writing this all at once with little regard to minor things. IF anyone has anything to say, please do, but for specific words like "anxiet.y" or "dep ression", or anything along those lines please typo those, as it will get flagged by my parents and I'll be in deep doo doo. Thank you.

Story (open) Story (close)

I used this spoiler so that it wouldn't take up too much space to scroll past in this thread. Thank you to madara for creating this thread, and this is something that I really need to say. Without further ado, lets get into this shatstorm, shall we?

So first off I get that people have it worse off than me. I know. I spent way to long thinking that my pain didn't matter because others had it worse. I'm not trying to be a "pick me" in any way, shape, or form, I just need to get this off my chest. One bit of advice that I heard that really helped me was "if people have it worse than you, and you aren't allowed to be sad, then how come if people have it better than you you are allowed to be happy". Anyways my story starts at the end of 2019, going into COVID oblivious of what was about to happen. I never had a perfect life, but it was good by most standards up to this point. I always had friends, even if they were jerks sometimes, and I always had a roof and food, as well as enough money to go on trips out of state. Anyways, I was just a kid during this, and still am now, but I would always do stuff with my friends. For the sake of staying anonymous I will name my friends X and Z. X had been my friend since second grade, and even though he was full of himself and could be rude, I always was friends with him. Z was the friend of X, and was nice almost always, and was probably my best friend out of the 2. I had been friends with both of them since 4th-5th grade, and while Z went to a different school, we lived next to each other and did stuff every day. Before all this COVID crap happened I was starting to realize that, hey, im kinda weird. I was always the smart kid, but was always behind the curve socially. During first and second grade I was always the teachers pet, but would be made fun of. X was my friend, and he was SUPER into being "weird", like all 3rd grade kids. During this time I stopped being so smart, and started living a little. This was a big mistake on my part, imo, because I ended up being stuck as the class clown, but if he wasn't funny. I would always interrupt, by habit, and would get in trouble. I wasn't too different from all the other kids, except when they all started maturing, I kept on being oblivious. I was kind of sheltered, and didn't realize what was going on. I would repeat jokes multiple times if no one laughed, and fell into the kind of spunk that just makes you extra awkward. I realized too late that I was too childish, but that's another story. Not that we have this background Imma start where all my crap life started. Around the beginning of COVID my mom (who has kidney failure, and has been high risk for stuff like the flu, not just COVID), had to go onto these pills that basically knocked her immune system down. I had to make all sorts of precautions before COVID to keep her safe, and once COVID started, before the majority of people understood what was going on, I went into lockdown. Once the schools shut down I had no outside interactions with anyone. the closest I had was talking to my friends, on opposite sides of the street, wearing masks. My other friends parents weren't worried at all about COVID, and while they wore masks they would go inside and do stuff together without me. I was isolated, and during the summer we would take out this crappy old television outside and social distance at night and play video games for like 3 hours, probably once a week. I kept getting more and more behind social standards once school started up again, and I actually missed going in person. Everyone I knew was going in person, but I still had somewhat fun doing it online, as there are perks. however, I missed being able to get hands on experience at school, and to this day most of all what I miss is PAPER WORKSHEETS, like seriously it is so much easier for me to stay focused with them. Anyways, by the time I could start doing stuff with them, I.e. playing board games social distancing, I realized that all my friends had grown up. I was at that awkward middle school time where every kid starts changing (not puberty (gross) I mean like socially) and going into cliques and crap, and I was stuck behind everyone. I was just insanely awakward, and realized no one wanted to do things with me anymore, and it hurt. It hurt so much being excluded, and I didn't WANT to change. I hated every kid changing, and I just wanted everything to go back to normal, before covid, before middle school, I just wanted things to be simple again. I kept on being awkward, and come fall I realized it was going to be the last time I could trick or treat. I cried so hard silently because I knew that I was never going to be truly a kid again. Id get looks playing on swing sets with my siblings, and I just wanted to be a kid. I just wanted to enjoy life. The amount of sentimentality I have towards being a kid to this day is over the top, and I will still cry to this day simply because I just want to be a kid again. Around this time we finished our basement in our house and I finally had my own room. That was the solace I had. Fast forward a bit to near November, I get this bombshell dropped on me that, hey, we have to move. Impromptu. My dad was mutually kicked out of his work, partly because of jealousy. I don't know the whole story, and my dad refuses to talk about it, but *not going into detail* ive figured out some of it. Alright, now I have less friends, im socially awkward, im leaving my home of 9 years, and everything that was normal to me. This sucked balls. I fell into a sort of, not depression, but a state of just numbness around here. I moved to my grandmas house in between looking for a home around now, and this was even worse. My grandparent would always pull me aside when no one was around (me personally, didn't happen to my siblings) and tell me how I shouldn't be sad, about how life is good, about how I need to be a better kid, brother, son, etc. And this just sucked. I thought it was okay, and normal, and that they probably just new more than I did, and so I should just believe them. I come to a new School, in January, in person now (note up until the time I leave my grandparents house im getting told this crap 4-7 times a week) and im not just the new kid, im in the background. My new school doesn't teach common core, nothing matches up with what im learning, and no one tells me how to do things. I didn't know how to use canvas (id never used it before) and I didn't even know how to check my grades. Not a single teacher helped me with this stuff except for my art teacher, but even then I am still in the dark. I feel super lonely, because I don't have any friends where I am, I don't know anybody, and I don't know what to do. I hadn't ever been to a public school (much less a public MIDDLE school) and a lot of stuff went on that I don't want to talk about. My dog, the one sense of normalcy, tucker, dies. Out of nowhere. He was old, sure, but out of nowhere he just slowed down. 2 days later the last thing left of my old life is gone. This is when I went into full fledged depression. I didn't know what to do, I didn't;t know how to be normal, im being told all this crap by my grandparents, and I don't even know how to do SCHOOL right. I go through the motions, and to this day I still fall into a sort of autopilot mode where I don't register what I'm doing, I just DO. I don't know who I am, and I don't know how to describe how I feel. This is something that only somebody thats gone through something similar can relate too. It sounds so wimpy writing it down, but it felt a lot, lot worse than I can describe to you. A lot.

To be continued, I don't have enough time to finish it now. I'll publish the rest in...hopefully a day or two

edit: I am skipping all sorts of minor instances and crap that brought my morale down lower. If it seems like an odd jump from being just awkward to what im trying to describe, its cause it's not the whole story. Just what I can write down. I also wrote all this in 1 go without any proofreading so it might not make sense. IDK.

 

I kinda get what you're going through. It's not as bad for me, but I miss when school was about learning instead of memorizing. People think those things mean the same, but not to me. High school is a minefield, and no one cares because they've got their own problems bigger than a high schooler complaining about, well, life. I get really sad when I think about 6th grade, doing eight difficult problems and being done for the day. Now? Thirty, forty problems in math. Math is the worst part of it. It doesn't make sense to me. I've always tried to figure things out. To understand how it all goes together. But now, it's follow the formula. Memorize the formula. Never deviate from the formula. Problem solving no longer matters

 

alright listen up here bi‫.tch as‫s boy
great job, you can edit a ghost!
do you think, after all of this, that you're some skilled, prestigious person online?
after "acting" like you were the greatest ghoster of all time, and posting a lot more dumb sh‫?it
i know im probably not one to talk, but please think before posting your hacked ghosts.

 

LOL

 

Like four months ago I posted about my mental state and how it’s getting worse. Well it kinda never stopped. Having a voice in your head insult you all the time you’re awake isn’t especially enjoyable. It’s gotten worse then just saying go drown. It’s actually serious about getting rid of me. Like it’s gradually gaining more control over my everyday life. I mean the past schoolyear has basically all been an act. I change my voice, how I act, and what I say because if not I’ll ruin all my relationships with my friends. It’s also making it harder to talk. I’ll stutter and fumble words because I have to talk to two things at once. It also keeps me up at night. It’s experimenting with only let me sleep if I injure myself in some sort of way. It wants to ease me up to taking my life. (Which I will not do) Right now my rule is if it affects me for more than a minute then I won’t do it. I’l do stuff like flick my cheek and stuff like that. But this week is a bit different. It went out of it’s way to inform me way ahead of time. I have a knife close to my bed and it wants me to make my cheek bleed. It wouldn’t be that much but I don’t want to cause it’s a knife and It’d finally count as self harm. The thing is it’s a lose lose situation. If I don’t it’ll keep me awake until I have to get up. If I get no sleep my adhd acts up and I literally cannot control what I say. I wouldn’t be able to put up the act and I’d end up swearing at people. I’m also almost done with my twelfth and final year at this school. I don’t want my friends (some of whom I’ve known for over eleven years) to see me like that. I’m so close to being done. After I am I won’t have to act as much. I don’t wanna ruin things now.

I think I’m gonna do it. But I’ll be careful and use my best judgment. I won’t forget to follow the one minute rule. It wants me to keep the knife there to send me a message. It says “it’s symbolic”. It tells me that I could end it at any time. I think I’ll move it away after even though it’ll keep me up for as long as it can.

I’m a bit stressed about posting this cause someone might find it and I don’t know what she’ll think of me if she does. Just gonna hope for the best.

If you wanna reply with something I guess you can but this is basically just insurance for if I mess up and say something bad to someone. I’d want them to know that this is probably what happened and I didn’t actually mean it. Of course it’d be up to them whether they forgave me or not. It’s also for the zero of you who care, remember, and wanted an update.

Anyways that’s kida it. I rambled on for so long. I’m gonna be done now. Time to experience what I just explained.

 

uhhhh...
You need help.
Like, really bad.
Have you talked to anybody about this? Your parents? A doctor? Because you need to! This is not healthy, nor will it help the voice go away. The more you give in to this kind of stuff, the easier it becomes to do. Don't give in just because you have no hope. Keep trying. Talk to someone who can help. The internet is probably not the best place to find someone. Go to a doctor. If you have to change everything about yourself to get your friends to like you, maybe start looking for new ones? I'm just throwing out some thoughts here.

 

Wow. You need some therapy my dude. Best thing to do (I've said this a lot on this thread) is to tell a trusted individual. If you can explain it the same way to your parents/guardians, I guarantee you'll feel a bit better. The issue you're having is bottling up what's inside. Sooner or later, that container will burst and you don't want that to happen. You need a healthy vent of which you can explain yourself, talk to someone or destress. Try and figure out how this started. Most of the time, people think it's utterly random when that's not always the case. Everything has a cause. Find the cause, you'll have a deeper understanding of what's going on. Another thing, you're in control. You might feel like you're spiraling out of control but who is in control of your body and you mind? Yourself. It may sound like an impossible thing to do but if you have control over your mind, you still have control.

Drop the act and express how you're truly feeling to your friends. If they ask what's wrong, tell them. It's not helping you when you isolate your troubles to the people you trust. You'll get nowhere and continue to sliver down that hole.

I can't do much for you but be a good friend to you. I hope you're able to go out of this slump and up into glory.

 

Opening up to someone you're comfortable with can be a good way of releasing the stress. Essentially, just open the door and release every complaint you ever had about everything. I would ask your parents to see a therapist or just set the appointment yourself; you seem old enough. Find someone to talk to that you trust. If you need someone to talk to, I'm here. By the way, you can take that knife away and don't hurt yourself anymore. Maybe spend some good time with those that are close to you. Hopefully this is a little helpful. I'll keep you in my prayers. By the way, who is she?

 

I’ll dm you. Telling people has resulted in people not talking to me anymore…

 

I've said this a few times on the thread and I know you said you aren't suicidal but I'll say it anyways in case you ever get to the point when you are. This even includes self harm to an extent so I want you to remember and I want you to remember well, It doesn't make the pain go away, it only puts whatever you're feeling onto someone else. Cutting doesn't make the pain go away, all it does is overrun the one pain with another, and then you're even worse than before you crossed that line. As everyone who got here before me said, there is so much better ways to deal with what's going on, and it never has to get to the point where cutting is a viable option. First and foremost, get that bloody knife out of your room. preferably somewhere where it takes a good effort to get to, and the reasoning behind that is so that you give yourself the chance to catch yourself, to question yourself. The second is like what everyone else is saying, get help. Whether that be from a known stranger like a_drain (someone who you trust but don't know irl. I.E. someone who can't use your emotions against you), or a therapist, or your parents, etc. And the third is do a lot more self care. I'm will to bet heavily that with all this negative talk you're telling yourself, that you aren't treating yourself to nearly as much "me time" as you should. If I were to guess, these thoughts you're having are probably from insecurities and self doubts you have that you've pushed way way down. If I'm not mistaken or at least in the ballpark, then one of the easiest things to do to start helping with that is self adoration and self care. walk a little bit higher when in public, compliment yourself when you do something cool or nice for someone else, congratulate yourself when you get a good ghost in the game for crying out loud! But do something, and do it often.

 

wai what

 

after 2021 i realized that everything i achieved became a problem, when i made friends, after a while they became a problem, i realized that every day after i leave school i stop smiling and i am sad all the time just with the same dude, a straight face, like if school was a drug, because when you're on the drug, you're happy, but then you go back to your normal life and you're sad, and the worst thing about it is that even I've never used it drugs (because I'm 12 and I don't plan to use them) this fact that every day after high school I feel sad is actually making me more anxious and with a kind of pain in my shoulder or chest, and I realized that the more good things happen ,they make it a problem, for example, on the birthday we are happy, but then, depending on how much older you get, things go back to being sad and boring; as if the whole solution becomes a problem , and the worst thing is that problems will always be problems, they never change, and one thing that haunts me all my life is the feeling of guilt and embarrassment, things i've done in the past that i eventually remember and these things make me nervous and ashamed, i get depressed for a while, and it makes me never wanting to make mistakes, and when I do, the feeling of guilt and embarrassment comes right away, and it's very strong, that's why I don't like to make mistakes, and one thing that bothers me is my hearing because sometimes people say something and I say "huh?" because I don't hear very well, even if I don't have any hearing problems, but the problem is that sometimes people look at me with an angry face as if the person was going to say:- "what's your problem? imbecile"
and then i learned to just agree and say something based on what i heard, but like i said, every solution eventually becomes a problem, and sometimes when people say something and i'm wrong they look at me with an ugly face but I didn't understand what the person said, and if I say to the person "I don't understand" they look at me with a dirty face, and that bothers me because, it's not my fault, it's my ears, and the worst part is that after these Sometimes it comes to my head and never leaves it, sometimes when I make an affectionate gesture and the person understands it as something bad, even if I explain myself, the person will be mean to me, but sometimes I find myself very sentimental , I think I just follow people's instructions, because when I say something and I make a mistake I feel really bad, and I don't have much initiative for things, I think I'm a robot sometimes, why, even if I try I don't act like a robot, I act like a robot, just so I don't have this feeling of guilt, but even so I do, I feel it Feeling guilty is the thing I feel the most, and people think I'm not someone that feel guilt, but if they read my mind they would know how much I blame myself for everything I do...
tbh,ig that FRHD is the only thing that is keeping me calm now

and this message is being serious, i really don't feel like making jokes for other people to possibly laugh because the one who needs to laugh now is me

 

Mistakes are a part of everyone. It's absolutely okay to make mistakes; people who judge you for them are unreasonable themselves. I think you're sorta talking with the wrong people because it seems totally fine to ask people to repeat something once or twice. Not everybody has sensitive eardrums; everybody mishears or misinterprets. There might be a possibility that those people you talk to or interact with are more impatient with you than others because they don't really know you or find you "annoying". I'm not saying that you're annoying, but for certain people, they may generalize and judge based on opinion, and automatically treat you with less respect than, say, their closer friends. For me, I find that I'm sometimes in a similar situation, where I'm not given the same amount of respect that others get from the same people, so I kind of just learned to not be so open to interact with people. For example, I would wait for other people to make the first move to talk to me or wave at me, and then I would wave back. This would allow me to figure out who's comfortable with talking with me, so then I know who I can spend time with without being treated disrespectfully. You don't always have to be so reserved, though, so it's also okay to make the first move. Just maybe stay away from people who are impolite to you, because chances are, they're not really worth hanging around for their bad attitude.
You don't have to blame yourself for everything you do wrong, because again, as humans, we all make mistakes. It's all part of the process to learning through life. You've got to have a little more confidence in yourself. Not everything is your fault. Those people that seem to be bothered by your attempts to understand or interact with them are being unreasonable. If you need someone to talk to, find someone that you trust well and know won't judge you for your problems and let your feelings out. I'm also here for you.

P.S. I'm sorry, but I don't know too much on how to find the joy in life outside of school. Maybe you could try to find some new hobbies or interests to do or spend some time with some people. I find that being with people I like to be around always helps. Hope you'll be okay.

 

Thank you dude,that helped a lot