Pour Your Heart Out

Ok I like it in math terms. It is much more enjoyable and fast than trig. That being said I do think that geometry has its purpose, but I need to learn calculus for my preferred profession so...yeah

 

oh, okay. This is my third year gag of Algebra, and next year i think I'm doing geometry.

 

Oh I’m finishing geometry this semester and doing trig second (but I’ve already started trig tbh I do it on khan.

 

my brother did trig and pre cal first semester of last year and he hated it with a passion.

 

Man this has been silent. I feel like I need to say something but don't know what to say. ive already said how I feel, and don't want to clog, so I guess I hope all of you guys can have a better holiday than me. Happy holidays. Im gonna be on the ski slopes ignoring my life, so thats pretty good.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah or whatever you celebrate. And of course we hope for a happy new year .

 

Hey again. I’m just coming on here to ask questions . No one really needs to look at this. But recently things have been getting better for me. I am staying away from my family more and have finally found a friend group that I like. They accept me. But not really. They don’t know that I struggle with depression and other things, at the worst times to an extreme degree. I opened up to one of them, one that I trust more than the others, and for the first time for me they aren’t shunning me. They actually care. They promise not to say anything until I’m ready. But…the problem is I know the rest of them probably won’t do the same. And the person that listened hasn’t ever felt huge sadness. No one or thing has died. So what do I do now? Do I open up to the rest of them? Try to explain individually that I’m messed up, and the scars on my arm aren’t from a MTB crash? Do I risk it? Or do I live like this in silence keeping what I have but never having anyone understand me?

I said things are getting better. But that is comparatively. I haven’t been having nearly as bad mood swings, not getting angry, but when I struggled with depression previously I felt bursts of joy sometimes. They weren’t always long lived but they happened. But now I don’t feel the same way. Things don’t make me laugh anymore, and it is becoming harder and harder to hide that I’m not depressed. I just don’t know what to do. I know that my parents don’t believe in depression and think that anxiety is just for people that are trying to call for attention. They think that depression is just sadness. It’s not the same though. I can’t fall asleep at night anymore. I cry silently, and sometimes have to sneak out of the house so I can cry somewhere where someone doesn’t here me. But my parents don’t know this, but I know to some degree they care about me. That they will probably get me help. But I think the main thing is I don’t want help. I know I need it and I know it will make me feel better, but I don’t want to open up to anyone. And I certainly di t want my parents knowing. Better a stranger with a degree than my parents. But then I finally have to admit to myself that I’m not normal. I am just confused and sad. I don’t really know how to describe it. I tried to draw it once. I used to love painting. I enjoy the outcome but their isn’t a thrill anymore. It just leaves me feeling empty inside, making me want something that isn’t and never will be again there for me. I’ve been alone for so long it hurts. But I don’t want anyone to know how messed up I am. Sorry for ranting and repeating myself. But I guess I don’t want anyone I know to treat me different. I don’t know if anyone relates but this is why I hurt myself when I am the saddest. Because it feels like mine. It’s distracting. And in a freakish way I enjoy it. Idk what to do anymore.

 

two days ago, as i was studying for my upcoming exams, i realized i didnt have enough time to finish my studies in time(i am sadly a huge procrastinator) so i decided to pull off an all-nighter.
the process was long and painful(pause), but i made it to my exams half asleep and finished all my studies. unfortunately, all of what i did went to waste as i entered the classroom and my brain went blank, with severe pain in my left arm and a dizzy head. the moment of realization hit me as i knew what i did was very stupid but it was too late and i had to take the exam. i finished the exam with an average performance which was bad because i usually get full or almost full marks on all my exams. i came back home fatigued. went straight to my bed longing for some good sleep. sadly, you may forget the insomnia, but the insomnia wont forget you. i laid in bed for a good 2 hours with no result, switching positions in the hopes for a sudden sweep of faith to take me to the skies of sleep. didnt happen. i woke up to eat something and wait until its night time again. took a shower and played some games to hopefully tire myself to sleep or at least until the insomnia is gone. its now 2am, i've been awake for more than 30 hours. i go to bed, defeated, with full-body pain and a subconscious decision to never do this again. after some time, it happens, i finally fall asleep for 13 hours. its today, i wake up feeling like a brand new butterfly fresh out of the chrysalis. wash my face and absorb reality again, i feel like a human again. my body is normal and my brain is properly functioning. the end.
moral of the story, never skip sleeping.

 

Yesterday the most heart wrenching moment happened to me and my friends. So I woke up, just like any normal day, okay? The weirdest thing suddenly happened and it literally made me cry. It's do hard making this post knowing that I have loved this thing for the moment we have been together. It also made me hate the people who run this thing. So back to my story. I opened up everything including forums and wanted to like a very funny post. When I pressed "Like" it immediately said that there was a server error. This goes to show that the staff of this wonderful game simply do not care about us anymore. Say anything you want about it but Kano doesn't care about us anymore. Therefore we need a new leader to step up and save us from the tyranny which is Kano games. Hence, I am nominating the one and only FIREBEATS to be the lead developer of the FRHD game and forums, for the better of this community. #FudgeKano

 

Sorry to hear that. I also could not get sleep last night cause my family has to stay home since my brother and mom has covid. And i barly slept......on the living room floor lmao

 

i agree that really kinda pissed me off :\

 

That one of the people I look up to died a week before his first day of rehab for addiction. It saddens me that he gave in and realized that he was dangerously addicted to drugs. And after 2 years he gave in and said he would go to rehab. It hurts me that some can be taken away. He knew that he was really addicted but felt like there was nothing he could do, and when he wasn't using drugs he hurt inside (aka withdrawl)

 

sorry to hear that

 

thanks. it will be 4 years I believe since their passing in

 

I completely understand that feeling. My uncle was an alcoholic and went to rehab to get better. two weeks into rehab he was found dead in his room because he'd been drinking hand sanitizer (Hand sanitizer has pure alcohol among other things in it). We were all completely blindsided by it and my aunt was sent into a spiral from it. In the end he couldn't handle the withdrawals and didn't think rehab would be able to save him. It's now been a year since that incident and my aunt is doing a lot better now and the only reason why I'm sharing this story is to show that these things happen and that you're not alone.

 

I understand, I'm sorry to hear about your loss. Sometimes Life is unexpected, we are given people to love and share with, but at any second they could be taken away from you and there is nothing you can do about it. It's hard to process it, I still can't imagine it without him, I guess what we were doing wasn't enough. He would actually make music, when he was in the booth he would pop pills and I told him to stop, but he couldn't. When he wasn't in the booth he often didn't do drugs, only sometimes. I just hate how addiction has been turned to main stream.

 

Oh man that sucks I am so sorry to hear about that

 

This is nothing but my computer got updated to windows from a linux kernel so now all my work on my track is pretty much guaranteed lost. And just when I got some serious motivation, too.

 

I just want to say thanks to Madara a_drain Sidewalk and everyone else who has helped me. Due to some technical issues involving overprotective parents I am no longer allowed to talk about any of this stuff, and probably shouldn’t even be reading it right now. Things haven’t gotten better. I . h . a t .. e M .y s.e l . .. f. And that’s all there is too it. I understand that it’s no longer going to get better by myself and I need to talk to people. But I can’t . So thanks for the help you have given me. It’s been nice knowing you. Goodbye.

 

are you leaving....?

 

try to talk to people, even if that hurdle is big to get over
trust me, I know that feeling that you can't talk to people, but I know that letting everything out and to have someone just listen is a beneficial thing